TV View:It's the cricket World Cup. It's Sabina Park, Kingston, Jamaica, one of the sport's most famed venues. The ground is sprinkled with giant inflatable leprechauns and green, white and gold inflatable hammers.
Several of the spectators are wearing false ginger beards, even some of the men. There's a lady bashing a bodhrán in the stands. "Olé, Olé, Olé" and "Here we go, here we go, here we go" fill the air.
There's a man waving a Railway Union flag, while chanting, "Bangladesh, Bangladesh." Out in the centre Pakistan have been reduced to 72 for 6. And Ireland are doing the bowling.
"Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"I think I'm hallucinating."
Honest, we thought this couch had seen it all. So did Manish Bhasin. "Ireland could play in 100 World Cups without ever matching this drama," said the BBC man. On Thursday. After the draw with Zimbabwe. But then came Pakistan.
Michael Holding, in the Sky Sports box, had earlier forecast "a whole series of mismatches" in this World Cup, doubting the wisdom of allowing the minnows in to play. By the time Trent Johnston hit that winning six, Michael, we assume, felt vindicated. All we can hope is that the West Indies give Ireland more of a game later this week.
If Pakistan were facing a World Cup exit after two games, Sky probably weren't feeling entirely comfortable themselves. Potentially two of the biggest shocks in World Cup history, Bangladesh v India being the other, and the darn matches were on at the same time.
As they concentrated on the Bangladesh game, Charles Colvile advised Irish viewers to press their red button if they wanted to stay with events in Kingston, but when we press the red button on our remote control the telly switches off.
Luckily for us, Bangladesh saw off their minnow opponents speedily enough, so we were able to bid adieu to Teletext.
Back in Kingston, Tony Cozier was trying to explain Irish cricketing matters to the uninitiated, and with that Barbados-born lilt of his it sounded thus: "This team represents all of Ireland, the Republic and Norn Iron."
Majestic.
Having spent the afternoon trying but failing to add, subtract, multiply and divide, to work out what Ireland needed Scotland to do against France and what they didn't need France to do against Scotland if they were going to win the championship, it was a relief to get away from the number-crunching.
"So, Ireland made 81 for 4 in 27.5 overs before the rain and bad light, their target now is reduced to 128, with 47 needed in 19.3 overs, although if this match is abandoned because of the weather Ireland would win under the Duckworth-Lewis system," explained Holding. We use "explained" very loosely.
When there is confusion like this in cricket, it's best just to hit the ball, very hard. But by now it was squeaky-bottom time.
"Runs are being eked out by the Irish like water out of a desert," said Bob Willis when it was 113-7. "Ireland are crumbling under the pressure."
"Indeed, Irish eyes were smiling," said Colvile. "If you're watching this in Ireland," he asked, "how are the nerves?"
Reaching for the red button, Charles.
But. "And there it is! Trent Johnston has hit the winning run! It has sailed out of the ground! A BIG one," as Holding described the moment, and with that the giant inflatable leprechauns were set free and were last seen dancing over the Blue Mountains that hover behind Sabina Park.
"What a cel-ee-bray-shun," said Holding, out-lilting Cozier.
"Absolutely incredible scenes - for Croke Park read Sabina Park," said Willis, referring to the Dublin venue that will now be needed to stage international cricket matches. Rugby? Football? Why stop there?
Earlier that day.
"If Ireland were to beat Pakistan in cricket it would be the equivalent of Ireland beating the All Blacks in rugby," George Hook had said when told Pakistan had been bowled out for 132. So, maybe the rugby World Cup will just have to do as a consolation prize for missing out on Saturday.
Of course, Saturday's wacky cricketing exhilaration was wholly dampened by news of the death yesterday of Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer.
Sky News were interviewing retired umpire Dickie Bird, live from Barnsley, about Freddie Flintoff's brush with a pedalo at four in the morning, when they received word about Woolmer. And, regrettably, they chose to tell Bird, a close personal friend of the coach, live on air.
"I'm very stunned," he said, his voice breaking. "What will you most remember about Bob Woolmer," he was asked, roughly 10 seconds after being told the man had died.
"Condolences to you Dickie from the entire Sky News team - we're very sorry to break it to you in this way," said the newsreader, and with that they moved on to more Breaking News. Oh dear.