Christmas for me starts when . . . the gigs get awful! All big "work dos" with people who want to talk to each other, not listen to some schmuck with microphone and grimace. Early November usually. Last Christmas . . . was the first with my boyfriend John. My present was a painting of me stroking a sheep. It was an in-joke that made me cry.

This Christmas . . . he will probably make less effort. I'll never forget the Christmas that . . . included my niece for the first time. She was born in November and weirdly healed everything and made us a family again. She is now about to turn four and the best person I have ever met.

My favourite thing about this time of year is . . . drinking in the morning. You get drunk so much faster and no one notices that you have a serious problem.

The one thing that brings out my inner Grinch is . . . cruelty to animals. I try so hard to be tolerant of everyone and their choices, but people who harm pets or support factory farming have an enemy in me.

The perfect gift for my ears would be . . . QUIET. I hate music. I hate noise. I think I have oversensitive ears – can everyone please shut up?

The perfect gift for my eyes would be . . . I am very short-sighted but I don't wear my glasses as they give me a headache, so if everyone could just stand closer to me that would help.

It wouldn't be Christmas without . . . religion. I have no beliefs but love all the stories and wish we would share in each others' a bit more.

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need . . . never to die ever. Can someone sort that?