I have not had a bath in years. In fact I cannot remember the last time I just let it all soak away. It means I am in the halfpenny place compared to that fastidious woman, Brendan Behan’s grandmother. She, he said, had a bath once a year – whether she needed it or not.
Even on the hottest days, I am not tempted. Or the coldest. Tired muscles have not wooed me or back problems. I have never succumbed, even once, to the vast maws of tempting tubs in some hotels I stayed in down the years.
Resolutely, I remain a showers man. The shower is quick and I usually have better things to do than languish in cooling water. Until now. My doctor tells me the shower is making me deaf! This did come as a surprise.
There was a time when young men of my generation were firmly warned off a very tempting practice because it would make us blind. But we were never told that showering would make us deaf. Something amiss there.
And I have perfect sight! Well, almost.
Picture vs sound
Indeed, if it was not for my sight that morning I woke up last month I would not have known I was even awake. The light behind the curtains was morning-bright, but it was a case of all picture and no sound.
Remaining calm, as is my wont in such situations (not!), I advised myself that the moment for panic should come later. For then I was to get up, go to the bathroom and make sure my ears were still there. They were.
I wrestled with them a bit and heard the suddenly reassuring drip, drip of a hand-basin tap which normally drives me to distraction. (Must get that washer replaced.) It was disconcerting.
Following a succession of sweet silent mornings, I tried some ear drops, then went to my doctor who told me “It’s the shower. Those shampoos over time harden ear wax.”
He syringed my ears. I lived and he advised that I put olive oil drops in them on a regular basis so as to prevent a recurrence of hardened wax and morning silences. He did not ban the showers. I still have not had a bath.
Shower from Old English scur, Middle English shewere, meaning "a short fall of rain".
