Mr Claus,

You are a fraud. A big, overweight, alcoholic fraud. A disgraceful-example-to-children fraud. Every notice about you should carry a health warning. And you brought me nothing again this year. For the umpteenth time. You brought me nothing again for the UMPTEENTH time.

Okay. You can have it your way and, where I’m concerned, it’s as Hitler allegedly said after the unsuccessful assassination attempt, “No more Mr Nice Guy.”

You are a danger to public health and safety. You travel at lunatic speed in your visit to the millions of homes with children all over the world, and within a 24 hour period. That alone has to be a great risk to the safety of others but you do so while drinking alcohol in every one of those homes.

You are the world’s most dangerous drunk driver. This may have been tolerated in the past when attitudes were so different to alcohol and driving but now, as well as being so dangerous, it is an appalling example. Particularly where young people are concerned.

You eat too much. No wonder you are the size you are. And look at that red face! With all that rich food and drink, you’re a show. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear you have gout. Or a heart condition.

You are a major health risk and, as a prominent public figure, a very bad example, particularly to children. You have a major image problem when it comes to so much. Not least good health. It has to change. You must slow down, slim down, eat less, drink non-alcoholic.

Similarly with that temperamental deer of yours, Rudolf. On the surface he eats a healthier diet. Carrots are good for the eyesight too. But that bulbous red nose is a real giveaway. It is a sure sign of a heavy spirits drinker. The two of you are probably alcoholics.

The wonder is that you both have survived down all these years. You must both change or I will launch a campaign to have you banned from the homes of the world as a danger to children everywhere.

Now, we’ll see whether you’ll bring me something next Christmas.

Fraud, meaning deceit, trickery or sharp practice, from the Old French fraude, itself from Latin fraus for deception. Believed to have originated in English as fraude during the 12th century.

inaword@irishtimes.com