Your questions for Roe McDermott
Dear Roe
My fiancee and I have been together for two years, and our relationship has always been filled with lots of travel and adventures and nights out, and so Covid has been hard in many ways. My fiancee has been looking after her mother who lives on her own, and so we have been on complete lockdown, seeing only each other and her mother.
Without all the usual excitement and outings, we’re struggling to find things to talk about and it’s all feeling very strained. We haven’t had sex in a month and I feel like our relationship has moved backwards. I’m scared we’re going to come out of this not wanting to get married. How can we get back on track?
I understand that the disconnect you and your partner are feeling is unsettling, but take this experience as an important lesson about your relationship. So far, your relationship has been built on excitement and spontaneity and distractions, not intentionality. Consider this your new exciting adventure: focusing on each other, and creating intimacy even in these mundane, everyday surroundings.
Bring the same amount of intention and romance to your life now as you bring to your holidays, and emulate the open-minded, new experience-seeking sides of your travelling selves in your life now. Just as you plan and book holidays based on what kind of experience you want, think about what you want from your relationship and put in the work.
Plan date nights at home and go all out creating a romantic atmosphere – pick a theme for the night, including the food and the music, dress up, bring your date selves. Look up questions to ask each other that you’ve never asked, like your biggest fears, your proudest moment, what you like about each other. Select a few hobbies or skills you and your fiancee have never tried and spend quality time doing them together. Put your screens away, as you would on holiday, to focus on each other.
This is a stressful time for everyone, so don’t be too hard on yourselves for feeling disconnected. But try commit to this new challenge. Marriage is full of quiet moments and hard times, and truly liking each other and working at your connection is what will get you through them.
Dear Roe
I’m a 31-year-old woman and have been single for more than a year. I wasn’t really dating for most of that time, recovering from a bad break-up and moving cities for work, but had just started going back on the apps and going on a few dates before Covid. At the start, I wasn’t too worried, thinking that Covid might be weirdly good for online dating, as people would have to put more effort into conversations, etc. But the majority of interactions are still boring and generic and fade off after a few blah messages. I’m not expecting or looking for true love in the middle of coronavirus, but I’m really lonely. I wouldn’t mind having some casual sex but obviously right now the risks feel higher and figuring out how to do so safely is confusing. Any tips?
You’ve already shown that you’re emotionally self-aware enough to take a break from dating while recovering from a break-up, to know when you were ready to start dating again, and to know that you’re lonely and touch-starved right now, which is completely understandable.
Physical touch is such an important, underrated form of connection; the sense of literally feeling that we are seen and cared for. So use your emotional self-awareness to look at what exactly you need right now. You’re not looking for love, but you are looking for someone who is able to carry a conversation so your interactions make you feel less alone, rather than more so; and you need someone who is responsible enough that should things go well and you want to have sex, you’ll feel safe doing so.
Use your profile to ask an interesting question, so matches have a non-generic conversation starter upfront. Try have a Facetime or phone chat relatively soon, which could help break the monotony of endless messages, before moving to a socially distant walk. And ask matches what dating and social isolation means to them right now, so you can gauge their attitude around staying safe while perhaps exploring a new sexual relationship.
Are they seeing lots of people, or limiting their interactions? Are they willing to have ongoing conversations about comfort levels? If you both want to have sex, are they willing to be exclusive to limit the risks involved? These conversations may feel like the opposite of what we’re used to doing when casually dating, in terms of being very upfront and asking about expectations and exclusivity from the start – but these are different times, that require different, more forthright conversations. If a person isn’t able to have them, they’re not going to be the safe and anxiety-relieving partner you’re looking for right now.
Dear Roe
I can't seem to get over my break-up. Two months ago, my boyfriend said he didn't want to be in a relationship, no explanation. Apparently, there were no problems between us – apart from the distance. I don't live in Ireland, but we had planned to move in together after Covid. He proposed to be "friends", and for a while I tried to accept it.
However, I felt so betrayed. The break-up meant changing my life plans, including not moving to Ireland. I decided to talk to him, but while I was telling him how unbearable this situation was for me, he hung up on me and never called me back.
I still can’t find a logical explanation for his behaviour. I think about it all the time. I wonder what happened, if I did anything wrong. I check my phone every morning, expecting a message from him. I write long emails I will never send. I feel insane. Why is he ignoring me? And how can I move on with my life?
You need to change the narrative in your head. You’re searching for a “logical’ explanation because your ex-boyfriend’s behaviour doesn’t match up to who you thought he was: someone thoughtful and kind and committed to you. But your ex was not right for you, or ready for you. Your ex had every right to have concerns over a long-distance relationship and moving in together, but he wasn’t emotionally brave enough to express any of his concerns, so kept going along with life-changing plans before abruptly ending the relationship.
He wanted to be “friends” immediately (so rarely a good or feasible idea) to avoid feeling the loss and guilt that comes with a clean break-up. And when you expressed your emotions, he hung up on you. This is unempathetic, inconsiderate, cowardly behaviour, but he has ultimately done you a favour. Whenever you find yourself wondering what you did wrong, stop yourself, and repeat instead: This was not the relationship for you, and this was not the person to uproot your life for. It will get better over time, I promise.
Dear Roe
My girlfriend and I are in our 30s and are living together. Her younger sister moved in with us at the end of last year. She was meant to stay for only a couple of months but coronavirus has forced her to stay longer; she's unemployed. I was delighted at first. I now had two beautiful women living with me. But my girlfriend is a frontline worker, so over the past few months her sister and I have spent a lot of time together, alone. One night after dinner (and a bit of wine) she confessed she's fancied me since she was 15. Long story short, we've been having sex for the past few months while my girlfriend is at work. Sometimes I'll have sex with the sister at night, then have sex with my girlfriend when she gets home in the morning.
I’m absolutely torn with what to do. I know this can’t continue but I love both of these women now. Whatever happens I’d hate to tear their family apart (it’s just the two of them and their mother.) To make matters worse, I think my girlfriend is getting suspicious. Please Roe I need help, what do I do?
I’ll be honest, I was not expecting to get so many Covid-era letters from people sleeping with their partner’s relatives or relative’s partners. My immediate assumption is that this letter can’t possibly be real, but seeing as it’s merely the most extreme version of several letters I’ve received on the same theme, let’s roll with it and address everyone using Covid as an excuse for their disintegrating decency.
Cheating is never an accident, never suddenly happens out of the blue. It’s a series of decisions, a series of crossed boundaries. And your truly unforgivable betrayal of your girlfriend began the second her sister came into your house and you decided to think “I’m delighted…two beautiful women living with me.” You decided to look at your girlfriend’s sister as a sexual object. You decided to revel in the idea of having two women living with you. You decided to indulge the initial flirting, because you value your ego and your fantasy of having two women wanting you more than you value anything else. Even the way this letter is written is a brag, because part of you loves the fact that you’re sleeping with two sisters.
You don't love anyone here, apart from yourself. You and the sister have already decided you care more about your own desires than your girlfriend and this family; your fears now are just about getting caught. Break it off with the sister, tell her she has to leave your house. Tell your girlfriend what has been going on. When she kicks you out, don't dare feel sorry for yourself. You chose this. Choose to be better.
Roe McDermott is a sex columnist with The Irish Times
Your questions for John Sharry
Dear John
My 18-year-old daughter has become depressed over the summer. She was disillusioned when the Leaving Cert was cancelled (she had been a dedicated student up until then) and now says she does not see the point of college. She is very negative about the future, thinks the Covid crisis will continue and worries about climate breakdown and economic collapse. Her negativity frightens me and I can’t persuade her to be more optimistic.
I think the Covid-19 crisis has been hard on teenagers and particularly on Leaving Cert students. They are at a time of life when they are meant to be out with friends, having new experiences and planning for a fun future in college. The Covid-19 crisis has upended their world and brought with it new worries and challenges.
In addition, teenagers ask the big questions and they are often more aware than their parents of the big picture and potential future crises such as climate breakdown and severe economic challenges. In helping your daughter navigate these challenging times there are things you can do to help:
1 Rather than persuading her to be optimistic or not to worry, a better approach is to first listen and empathise. Let her explain her worries and concerns to you and take time to understand. Be aware of the difficult feelings that this might evoke in you but be brave enough to listen.
2 Rather than advising her, empower her to think through her own options and solutions. Asking questions can be a good way to do this: What would you like for yourself in college? What do you think should happen next? How can I help you?
3 As well as facing the big picture, encourage her to make positive short-term plans in the next few weeks: What activities are happening in the next few weeks that she can avail of? Where can she meet friends, engage in a passion or a new learning experience, etc? What holiday options might there be for her or all of you as a family?
4 Seek further help if need be. Ask her if she would like to attend counselling to think further about all the issues she is raising. This could be in the form of career guidance through a school or college or within a mental health service such as jigsaw.ie
Dear John
My nearly five-year-old son is due to start school in September. I am worried about how he will settle and cope. He was in a preschool until the lockdown started but the teachers had said he was immature and a lot of work was needed to prepare him for sitting at a desk in school in a big class. Now he has been out of that routine for months and things have gone backwards in terms of progress. Also, nobody knows for sure how and even if school will start and this is all so stressful. What can we do to prepare him?
You are not alone in your worries about the start back to school. The four-month closure of preschools and schools represents a significant educational setback for many children and many, like your son, have lost out on valuable preparation time to get ready for primary school. The good news is that schools are usually sensitive to the needs of children in the first year and they will be particularly so this September. The important thing is to keep in contact with the principal; ask them for guidance on how to prepare your son to make the transition.
At the moment the exact circumstances as to how schools will be reopened are up in the air; this is stressful for parents, teachers and children. Hopefully there will be guidance published shortly from the Department of Education which will provide some certainty and allow parents and teachers to make plans and, in your situation, to make plans for infant classes.
In the meantime I suggest you focus on giving your child some structured social experiences over the summer as these will help him prepare. You can also arrange meet-ups/ playdates with other children who are due to be in his class. This will help him settle in when he starts and will help you establish connections with other parents who are dealing with the similar challenges as school starts.
Dear John
Prior to Covid-19, my eight-year-old daughter was OCD about germs and getting sick. Now this has spiralled during the crisis. She was relatively okay during the lockdown but, as restrictions lift, she is nervous about going out, meeting friends even in parks and is really critical about everyone not keeping rules regarding washing hands and keeping social distance. It has become an obsession with her and is stopping her doing things.
Covid-19 has provoked lots of anxiety in children and adults and many are finding it hard to re-engage as the lockdown begins to lift. For children with obsessive/ compulsive tendencies, fears about catching the disease can become exaggerated and safety behaviours can easily become obsessive. To help your daughter, I would suggest you:
1 Acknowledge how she is feeling and encourage her to talk about her fears. Lots of children feel they have to hide their ruminations and thoughts from their parents and there can be great relief to share these and to feel understood.
2 Let her know there are some justification to her fears and actions – "You are right be taking steps to be safe, and to be keeping the rules."
3 Agree with her in detail what she needs to do to keep safe. With an anxious child, you need to be very precise about what the safety protocol is, for example, when or how to wash hands, how to keep social distance when out, etc. Have a look at the many reputable health guides online that explain these to children.
4 Identify also with her, when her fears/ behaviours are unreasonable and unhelpful for her. For example, multiple handwashing, worrying about it all the time, etc.
5 Explore how she can manage these fears and behaviours so they don't take over. For example, how she can interrupt compulsive behaviour and do something else, how she can face fears and be brave, etc.
6 Seek extra help. There are good resources online, such as anxioustoddlers.com, and a great children's book, What to do when your brain gets stuck, by Dawn Huebner. You could also consider getting the support of a mental health professional. Ask your GP for a referral to your local primary care or child mental health service.
Dear John
My parents have been cocooned until recent weeks and now my 76-year-old father, who is living with inoperable cancer, takes risks meeting people, reuses disposable face masks and is basically going and doing whatever he wants. He is putting my mother, with a history of one to two chest infections a year, at risk along with the family members who meet them. My mother will not correct his behaviour as he argues with anyone telling him he is out of order. It is deeply frustrating. He is oblivious to the fact that those around him are trying to protect him from himself. What can we do?
It is a worry when you feel someone you love is putting themselves and others at risk by their choices. You can, of course, raise the issue directly with him but given that he is an adult you need to respect his need to make his own choices. Arguing with him or trying to cajole him to change, may not work and could damage your relationship and drive a wedge between you.
Below are some ideas for communicating with your father and maximising your positive influence:
1 Understand where he is coming from.Empathise with him as to how hard it is being cocooned and cut off. Acknowledge his need to go out and meet people. Also, explore what bothers him about keeping some of the safety rules. Could he simply refuse to reuse face masks because he does not like waste or finds them awkward to put on? Could you address his concerns by showing him how to use a comfortable multi-use mask?
2 Express your concerns positively. While the temptation might be to argue, try to express your worries in terms of his welfare and of those around him. Watch your tone and use warm caring language: "As your daughter/ son, I am just worried about your health and that of Mum." Many people don't fully grasp how their behaviour puts their loved ones at risk too. Once they fully understand this, this may give them the motive to change.
3 Explore how he can get his needs met safely. If his desire is, understandably, to go out and meet people, explore how he can do this safely. Explore how he can keep the hygiene and distancing protocols and still get some of the socialising, exercising and human contact he might need. As you talk to him, strive to get a "win-win" agreement, where you are happy with his safety and he gets what he needs.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker, founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See solutiontalk.ie
Your questions for Trish Murphy
Dear Trish
Pre-Covid I broke up a long-term relationship with a man I thought I would marry, who is also a work colleague. I felt colleagues rallied around him, supported him, invited him places and took care of him. I found the break-up incredibly difficult and hid in my office; I threw myself into work and was passed over for three promotions. My confidence was at an all-time low and I found the whole work environment incredibly difficult. I sought therapy and have been working hard to improve my sense of self-worth and I feel I am in a much better place now.
I have loved being away from work. I am reluctant to return but must do so in the next few weeks. I am over my ex but still feel a sting of isolation. What can I do to cultivate a sense of belonging and how can I change my feeling of my workplace being a toxic, hurtful environment?
You have done well to get yourself back functioning and able to participate in the world again but returning to work means you have to face the evidence of your sorrow and I wonder if you are harbouring a sense of shame about this.
The difficulty with shame is that it makes us retreat and hide and you have no need to do this (you did nothing wrong) but perhaps you can learn something from this situation: your ex sought support and accepted help from colleagues and you might follow this lead as you return to work.
If you return to work with the expectation of being hurt and rejected, you will react by putting up a protective barrier and your colleagues will feel pushed away by you, thus confirming your, and their, ideas that you are not in any need of kindness or support.
Try to let people get close; obviously choose those you like and respect as you will already have a basis for friendship there. Talk to your boss and team and tell them you have had a tough time but that you are dealing with it and welcome their support and understanding as you come back to work. You will find that as you reach out to colleagues, they will respond in kind.
Dear Trish
I entered lockdown carrying some weight and initially was delighted with the withdrawal from the world; it was a huge relief not to have to decide what to wear each day and, to be honest, I enjoyed the break from the possibility of hearing strangers comment about my size. I had been on a diet forever and for the past four months, I gave myself a break from this, but the consequences are devastating.
I’ve read everything there is to read and I know the dangers of purging, but it seems like this is the only option open to me. I just can’t face the world in this state.
You are not alone, very many people have not done the exercise thing but have taken time off from self-improvement and enjoyed the relief. However, this highlights the constant scrutiny and criticism you have levelled on yourself and this has reached a level where you are willing to actually harm yourself rather than offer yourself care and compassion.
If you think about what creates positive influences on us to help us achieve our aims, you will see that having faith and belief in our capacity is what gives us the encouragement to keep going. Restriction, self-criticism and purging all confirm the belief that you are not good enough as you are, and these notions need to be challenged and dislodged.
Investing in yourself creates evidence of your value and worth: you might engage with therapy to help with your negative thinking, engage in the world in a way that makes you feel good, for example, with friends and interests rather than putting this off until you lose weight. When you have established a pattern of actions based on self-worth, you can begin to look at your health and wellbeing in a holistic manner.
Dear Trish
My girlfriend and I had talked about getting married but as we were living in different countries, it always seemed like a long time away. She was staying with me when the lockdown happened and so we’ve ended up living and working from my place for the past four months. I now think she has a mental health issue and I think I’ve become her carer rather than her lover.
She has high anxiety and I think it might be OCD as she obsesses about cleaning everything (if I go to the shops, she washes my clothes in a hot wash immediately on return) and I know she needs to have everything in a particular order. She cannot cope with any interference in our lives and my friends have given up trying to get in contact. I think Covid has driven her over the edge and I’m not sure I can or want to cope.
Your girlfriend does sound as if she could do with some help and, as her boyfriend, you are the person who currently has the most influence in her life. Can you get her to a GP who might assess her and have a referral possibility for psychological and behavioural support? Before you decide to exit the relationship, you might first give her the chance to accept and deal with her issues. When she has her own sources of help and support, she might be free to engage with you as her friend, lover and partner. How you both respond and deal with your crisis now will be a template for your future.
Affection, kindness, loyalty and fairness are at the basis of good relationships and now is the time you can commit to these things so that a strong foundation is laid. When your girlfriend has a handle on her difficulties, she will then be in a position to participate fully in a discussion with you about your future together, so be supportive and patient in the meantime.
Dear Trish
I have just finished college and my prospects of having a career and travelling have been totally stopped and I feel so angry and frustrated. I had to get a loan to complete my course and I feel that I will never get off the ground and I am stuck at home with my family, whom I know want me to leave. I feel cheated.
It is very understandable that you are frustrated and feeling stuck but handling disappointment and setbacks are part of what life is about and you might as well see this as an opportunity not to suffer more than you have to. Rises and falls in economic prosperity seem to be part of most people’s lives (oil and bank crisis in the 1970s, recession of 2008, etc) and developing resilience in the face of these large-scale events would be a worthwhile exercise.
You are a well-educated young person who should be poised to take advantage of any openings that arise when the pandemic lifts. What can you do to be ready for this? Focusing on yourself and what is missing will serve only to create a habit of negativity and pessimism and we know from emotional intelligence research that optimism (whether real or imagined) is the characteristic that promotes success in the world.
You can see the world through the glass half empty or half full and this is an active choice that has real consequences. Turn your focus on what is needed now. You might volunteer so that you can build a CV where you are helping others or ask your family what you can do to be of assistance. Use your intelligence and check out how to build resilience and optimism (see Learned optimism by Martin Seligman).
Trish Murphy is an Irish Times advice columnist and psychotherapist
