The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall.
“She looks amazing,” Sorcha goes.
I’m there, “Who?”
And she’s like, “Tina, of course.”
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
The thing is, I was Sorcha’s first, but Sorcha wasn’t my first, if you get my meaning? It’s why there’s always this fascination with what I saw in her.
I’m there, “Anyone would look amazing in this company. It’s like the bor from Stor Wars.”
She goes, “Do you not think she looks, I don’t know, radiant?”
“Hadn’t noticed. Wouldn’t be my type.”
“Well, she obviously was once.”
“Yeah, no, that was a long time ago.”
“Do you ever think about her?”
“In terms of?”
“Well, what might have happened if, you know – ”
“What, if Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara hadn’t sent her a letter denying paternity and ordering her to stay away from me and my family for the first six years of Ronan’s life?”
“Yes, that.”
“No, I’m happy for the girl. Although I’m not denying that there’s something about seeing my exes move on with their lives that pisses me off.”
Ronan goes, ‘How the hell orrrrrr you?’ doing an impression of me
“That’s a weird thing to say.”
“You did ask.”
“Rosser,” a voice suddenly goes, “you bleaten tulip!”
I turn around and – yeah, no – it ends up being the man himself, home for two weeks.
I’m there, “Hey, Ro, how the hell are you?”
He goes, “How the hell orrrrrr you?” doing an impression of me. “Sudeka, how’s things? You look beautiful, so you do.”
She’s like, “It’s so lovely to see you, Ronan. And great that you could make it home for your mom’s engagement porty.”
He goes, “I wouldn’t have missed it for all the muddy in the wurdled.”
His Dublin accent has become even stronger since he moved to the States. He’s obviously hamming it up like Irish people do on their J1ers because the yanks think it’s cute.
I’m there, “So how’s college?”
Yeah, no, some law firm in New York is paying for him to go to Horvard.
He’s like, “It’s going moostard, so it is, Rosser. And what about you, are you coaching addyone?”
I’m there, “Er, kind of between coaching roles at the moment, Ro?”
“You know, me ma’s new fedda played for Beernhall.”
“We’ve been introduced.”
“Tree-hundoord-and-odd matches in the AIL, Rosser.”
“Bornhall, though.”
“It’s a lot more matches than you ebber played.”
“I’m going to get a drink.”
“Get a rowund in, Rosser.”
So – yeah, no – I tip up to the bor. Tina is standing there with the famous Anto, her brother. We exchange pleasantries. If I hadn’t swapped homes with him for two weeks in 1996, as part of Castlerock College’s well-meaning but disastrous Urban Plunge Exchange Programme, I would never have met Tina and there would be no Ronan.
After a minute or two, he focks off, leaving me alone with his sister.
I’m there, “You look really happy.”
She goes, “Does that bother you?”
“A bit. So you’re really doing it then? You’re getting married?”
“I love him, Rosser.”
“That’s a good enough reason, I suppose.”
“Here, Rosser, look.”
Do you ever wonder what might have happened between us if Hennessy hadn’t sent you those cease-and-desist letters?
— Ross to Tina
She’s pointing at Ronan, who’s now shooting the shit with his mates, Nudger, Stacks of Money and Buckets of Blood.
She goes, “We made that.”
I’m there, “We did, didn’t we? I can’t believe he’s going to be 28 this year.”
She smiles to herself.
She goes, “I’ll never forget the day you turned up at me door to meet him for the first time.”
I’m there, “I was gicking myself.”
“He took one look at you and he said, ‘This sham? What in the name of Jaysus were you thinking, Ma?’ Do you remember that?”
“My son’s first words? Of course I do.”
“He said, ‘The fooken state of him – big fat rugby head on him.’”
“Yeah, I said I remember, Tina?”
“And then you took him into town for the day.”
“To Dr Quirkey’s Good Time Emporium. He got thrown out for kicking the coin cascades to try to make the money fall. Happy days. And do you remember the time you asked me to talk to him about the birds and the bees?”
“What happened there?”
“Ten years old, Tina. I said to him, ‘Ro, I need to have the big chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘Game ball. What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’”
She laughs, then she’s suddenly serious.
She goes, “I know it was hard on you – when he moved away.”
I’m there, “We had to get him away from Hennessy. He corrupted my old man. I couldn’t stand by and watch him corrupt my son.”
“He’s making a great life for himself over there, Rosser. College. Has a girlfriend. A job waiting for him in New York. None of it would have happened without you.”
“I don’t know that that’s true.”
“He says it himself – the day you knocked on our door was the luckiest day of his life.”
“He never says anything like that to me.”
You’d have cheated on me the same way you cheated on Sorcha. I wouldn’t have put up with it like she does
— Tina
At that moment, he shouts across the bor, “Rosser, you spanner – are you getting them in or what?”
I’m there, “I’ll be over in a minute.”
She goes, “He’s too cool to ever admit it to your face.”
I’m like, “And what about you, Tina?”
“What about me?”
“Do you ever wonder what might have happened between us if Hennessy hadn’t sent you those cease-and-desist letters?”
“Are you asking me do I think we’d have gotten married?”
“I suppose I am. I wonder what that would have been like.”
“Wouldn’t have lasted.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you’d have cheated on me the same way you cheated on Sorcha. I wouldn’t have put up with it like she does.”
“I think I still have feelings for you.”
“You don’t, Rosser. You just want what you can’t have.”
“Three-hundred appearances in the AIL – in fairness to him.”
All of a sudden, I notice Hennessy lurching over to talk to Ronan, no doubt to try to get him to come home and work for him, doing evil.
I’m there, “I better break this up before it becomes a thing.”
She goes, “Good idea,” then as I’m moving away from her, she’s like, “I do, Rosser. I do sometimes wonder what might have been.”
And for some reason, that’s all I need to hear.
I’m like, “Congratulations, Tina. I mean it.”
