I grew up in a place just outside Castlederg, Tyrone, called Aghyaran. I come from a family of four boys. We were, and are still, a very Gaelic football household. My father played and coached teams. My older brothers played county.
The GAA has a lot of history. There are very traditional values. Growing up, you’re just there to play football. People don’t really talk about their problems. Going into my teenage years, you had toxic masculinity in the changing rooms. You’re trying to find out who you are, and you’re going up through these teams, and there’s a sense that to stand out and be seen as one of the best footballers, you need to act a certain way around others. There was the impression that if I didn’t take part in, for example, the “gay” word being thrown around the changing room, I would be seen as weak.
I didn’t know I was gay until around 18 or 19. I started having an inkling around 16, 17, but I didn’t really know. After my school years I went over to Liverpool for university, thinking that’s my chance now to explore my sexuality. It was figured out away from Ireland.
I spent a lot of summers in the US, working at summer camps. Looking back, it was a great experience, but it was my way of coping by getting away. Every time I came home, there would be questions about whether I was coming back to football, but I knew myself I wouldn’t be able to. Even though I was a good footballer, I was hiding my true self.
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My love of travel goes back to those times in the US. I took my GoPro around, just to document it for friends and family. I posted on Instagram and whatnot. I didn’t really explore Ireland that much, but [later] I started to think Ireland actually has so much beauty in the mountains and beaches I’ve never seen before. The hobby of [documenting] continued into the next couple of years.
During Covid came the start of TikTok. I thought: I have such a backlog of footage and content of Ireland at this stage, why not just post it? My page sort of blew up. I started growing an audience.
[ Róis: ‘Moving away from Ireland shook me. Going away is essential’Opens in new window ]
After Covid, I did just under eight months in Asia. I still carried on posting travel content, but I got to the stage where I didn’t even enjoy that. I remember I was in Phuket in Thailand for about a week and there were four of five days where I didn’t leave the hotel room. It was just me, myself and my thoughts. That’s when I decided to ring home and come out. Looking back now, I wish it was in person, but I think once you’re in that head space, you just need to get it off your chest.
I told the family and friends and everything was great. I had a big following, so I thought I’d post a video about it. That took off as well.
I came back to Ireland that September. I went back to football the next season. The first session back, I was like: what way is it going to go? We’ve a panel of 45-50 lads. I’m friends with all of them but I wouldn’t have in-depth conversations with a lot of them. But everything was so normal. It was like okay, I’m just here to play football. I’m not feeling paranoid about how I should talk, how I should act. I don’t have to sit in a corner any more. I can stand up and be a vital part of this team.
Because I was running away for so long, I associated Ireland with how I felt at that time: just sad and lonely and anxious. In the three years since I came back, I’ve never felt how I felt 10 years ago. From the moment I stepped back in Ireland, I’ve been on a high. With the travel bits as well, I can see the beauty of Ireland and what it has to offer; I can take the time to do hiking and sea swims and the small things in life. If you appreciate what you have here, you notice that you don’t have to fly halfway across the world to see a beautiful sunset or mountain.
The GAA, that environment, my football club, used to be the place I dreaded going. Now, I look at it as one of my safest places
I post a lot more personal stuff now, which I think captivates a new audience. I want to be the role model that I didn’t have growing up. We didn’t know about any openly gay GAA players at the time. It wasn’t in the public eye, which, I think, is one of the reasons why I felt I couldn’t really take part [in football, for a time]. That’s why I’m happy to talk about it now – you have guys who are still in rural communities playing football but they’re too scared to come out. I’m hoping the content I post will resonate and give them courage.
I’ve never gone back into that mindset of: Ireland isn’t for me. It flipped on its head. The GAA, that environment, my football club, used to be the place I dreaded going. Now, I look at it as one of my safest places, where I can be myself.
In conversation with Niamh Donnelly. This interview is part of a series about well-known people’s lives and relationships with Ireland. Follow Kevin’s journey on TikTok @kevin_penrose_
