Dear Roe,
I am a married woman in my late 30s with three beautiful children under the age of seven. My relationship with my husband is frequently strained, sometimes polite, often dreadfully boring.
He seems to have no interest in me as a person – he never asks me a single thing about my past, my childhood, my plans, my dreams, our future. It is all mundane conversation: dinner options, TV options, nothing personal.
As a couple we absolutely lack a sense of humour, even though I love to laugh. He takes everything deadly seriously, even his hobbies are treated like hard work. Our sex life is fine, sometimes good but often just okay. But like everything else I don't believe we have ever had a real honest conversation about it – ever.
Everything works fine at a practical level and we care a lot for each other but after 15 years surely there has to be a way to make the relationship more fulfilling for us both? We are incapable of arguing. I can’t bear conflict and as far as I am aware, he never speaks his mind. I tend to get passive aggressive and internally angry but I cry if I go to speak to him about an issue and then feel stupid and weak. He immediately jumps to solutions without listening or understanding and he is impatient to get the conversation over and never mentioned again. How can we improve our communications and have a huge fight like normal people?
I don’t think one huge fight is going to solve all of your problems, neither is it the ideal method of communication – but it’s important to note what a huge fight symbolises to you here.
You want you and your husband to be able to express yourselves freely “like normal people”, you want to know that you both care enough about something to get angry and passionate, you want to both be invested enough in each other to continue having a conversation even when you disagree.
You say you want to have a fight, when really you want to know that you’re both willing to fight for this relationship.
You say you have been with your husband for 15 years, which means you got together when you were in your early 20s. Now, you’re in your late 30s, married and have three young children. You are in a completely different place than you were when you met your husband, are likely a hugely different person than you were then – and the same goes for your husband. But it seems that you both have fallen into a trap that many long-term couples fall into: you assume that because you have been experiencing these evolutions while together, you have been evolving together. You assume that you know your partner, merely because you are with them. You have lost curiosity about each other – and without curiosity, connection becomes stagnant and falters.
I know it might not feel like it, but the fact that you are frustrated and angry about this is a good sign. It means you recognise the stagnation that has settled on your relationship, and that you are recognising and respecting your desire for more. Because you do deserve more. You both do. You both deserve a marriage where you feel seen and understood and appreciated not just as spouse or co-parent but as an individual person, for who you are now, for how you have grown and will continue to grow.
Two things need to happen. You need to reconnect with yourself and you need to reconnect with your husband. You need to look at all the emotions you are feeling: loneliness, neglect, anger, boredom, and accept them. You need to stop feeling ashamed of your emotions. It is this shame that is preventing you from having this very conversation with your husband, it is this shame that is making you become passive aggressive instead of stating clearly what you want. And it is this shame that makes you believe you are weak for crying in front of him.
You are not weak for having emotions. You are not weak for wanting more. You are not weak for wanting to be seen.
All of the questions you want your husband to ask you, about your childhood, dreams, hopes for the future – ask them of yourself. Ask yourself when you started feeling like you couldn’t ask for what you wanted. Ask yourself what you want from life right now, outside of your marriage. Ask what makes you feel excited and interesting. Ask why you aren’t engaging with these things more and how you could start.
Doing this will allow you to clarify what you want from life and your marriage – and it will help give you the confidence to stop waiting for permission to pursue what you want. Right now, that’s a deeper connection with your husband. Sit him down and tell him that you have felt disconnected from him, that you don’t feel seen or appreciated as an individual, that you want more effort and affection and laughter in your home.
Don’t use blaming language – two of you have contributed to this dynamic, so just describe how your current relationship dynamic makes you feel, and what you need. If he jumps to distancing “solutions”, tell him that you would like both of you to express your feelings first and come up with any solutions together, so this feels like a joint effort.
Ask him how he feels, and listen. Ask yourselves if both of you are willing to make a concerted, ongoing effort to bring more vulnerability, curiosity, affection and open communication into your relationship.
I wholeheartedly hope that both of you decide to recommit to connecting with each other. A couples’ counsellor will able to help you establish more effective communication strategies long-term, but in the immediate future, dedicate time where you both focus on getting to know each other again. Take up a new hobby together, so that you can enjoy learning something new and seeing different sides of each other – and vow not to take it too seriously.
Spend half an hour before bed each night asking each other the questions you haven't asked in years or maybe never asked – what are your dreams, plans, regrets and hopes? I've written about this before, but the New York Times' 36 Questions That Lead To Love is a gorgeous list of such questions. Tell your husband what would feel amazing for you in bed and try it. Be playful.
Right now the biggest obstacle in your marriage is a lack of curiosity and playfulness, which you desperately want. But these things aren’t one-off, one-sided events; they are ongoing conversations. You have to start it.
