Dear Roe,
I dated a man for a year. It was a fun, loving relationship that truly gave me a sense of peace and happiness. He was generous and we always wanted to spend time together. He gave me his house key, made a little arrangement in his second bedroom so I could work from his place. A little more than a year in, he broke it off because he said he had not been totally honest with himself and said I deserve a better man. It was hard to swallow but I respected his choice and tried to move on.
After a month and a half of no contact I still felt stuck and contacted him for lunch because I needed to find closure. When we met the spark was still there. Two days after, he initiated sex and I agreed. He put a disclaimer, though, that this is the best arrangement for us because we both have other priorities. We had amazing sex the next two weeks. I wanted to see if it was possible to rekindle the relationship.
I asked if he slept with someone else and he said "not really" which was a second slap on my face after the break-up. He also gave an indication that he is interested in sleeping with other women. I then ended it using the exact words he had told me when we broke up. That I don't think this is right for me and that I will always treasure what we had and that we shouldn't meet again. He has not responded and I don't expect him to either.
My question is, what type of person exactly was I dating? How can someone suddenly turn 180 degrees and end things as if nothing ever happened? I am a strong, career-oriented woman, loving my own space, never clingy or needy and yet, this is heartbreaking.
Often when faced with an unexpected break-up, it is common and understandable to feel confused, to want answers, to want closure. Except, often we already do have all the answers we need. We already have the information we need. And a huge part of feeling empowered and moving on from a break-up is accepting this and realising that closure is not something that someone else can give you but something you must give yourself.
I’m sorry that you have found yourself so destabilised by this experience. If you feel like having someone to speak to and help you to process and deal with your emotions would be helpful, please reach out to a therapist. Not only is a confusing break-up a completely valid reason to go to therapy but it’s also a wonderful opportunity to focus on your wants, needs, boundaries, emotional processing and coping skills before moving into another relationship.
I think if you look back over this break-up, you will be able to see moments where you kept going back to this person, kept getting hurt, kept betraying yourself, all in the pursuit of that mystical, all-powerful, One Answer That Explains Everything And Gives You Closure – when you already had the answers you needed but refused to accept them because they were painful.
This is so understandable and relatable. Who among us has not wanted someone to give us a tidy, bow-wrapped explanation about a break-up that makes us feel better and lets us move on happily? The problem is, those explanations don’t really exist. And our search for them, our search for that elusive “closure”, is often just a way for us to avoid accepting the reality of the situation: the relationship is over, we’re hurt and confused, and we’re just going to have to move through it somehow.
In order to move on, it’s going to be important for you to accept the facts of this break-up and respect your feelings around it – the sadness, the confusion, the grief, the heartbreak. It’s going to be important to look at all the information you already have, the answers he already gave you, and use it to build your own sense of closure.
So let’s look at the answers he has given you. He broke up with you because he didn’t want to be with you any more. That’s an answer. It’s a difficult thing for anyone to hear but remember: one person not wanting to be in a relationship with you is not a measure of your worth as a person, it’s merely an incompatible match.
He said you deserved better than him. That’s an answer – and it’s true. Of course you deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be with you. When you met up, even though he knew you were still interested in him, he slept with you, knowing it would likely cause you confusion and pain. That’s an answer.
He said he would have sex with you but didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s an answer. He indicated he wants to see other women, may already be involved with other women. That’s an answer. When you ended your sexual arrangement, he didn’t argue. That’s an answer.
You had a relationship with a man, he ended the relationship and you’re hurt. This is your answer.
Part of your difficulty in processing this might be that you identify as a “strong, career-oriented woman” who “loves her own space” and you think that this is at odds with feeling heartbroken. It’s not. You are a strong, career-oriented woman who loves her own space and just experienced heartbreak. Let yourself feel this. Stop looking for a logical, rational answer that lets you avoid your feelings.
You need to reframe the story you’re telling yourself that he was the perfect man, that his behaviour was inexplicable, that he is the only one who can give you closure, that there’s a secret cheat code to skipping over this heartbreak and confusion. Start telling yourself a more honest story that’s more compassionate to yourself. Stop looking for different answers when you have all the answers you need.
Tell yourself: “This one particular man no longer wanted to be with me but this is not a measure of my worth as a person.” Feel the truth of this answer. Tell yourself: “I am hurt and heartbroken and my emotions do not make me any less strong or impressive, they make me human.” Feel the truth of this answer. Tell yourself: “I returned to this man when it was not emotionally good for me. I have learned from this and in the future I will respect my own emotional needs and not overlook red flags.” Feel the truth of this answer.
And finally: “This break-up hurt me and it will take time to heal. This is okay and healthy. This is a time for me to process my experience and emotions, and heal so that I will be ready to love again in the future. I will love again. And it will be a better experience because I have taken this time to respect my emotions, to learn, to heal.” Feel the truth of this answer.
You will get through this. That’s your answer.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford