Dear Roe,
My husband has retired but he’s changed – we still have sex regularly, but because he snores, he moved himself into the spare bedroom. He’s masturbating like a teenager and always on his phone, I presume watching porn. I’ve caught him posing nude in front of the mirror and I’m sure he was taking photos of himself. I went full detective after that and found some photos of other naked men on his phone. I asked him about them and he said he was “comparing”. Is he bi? Or just curious?
For anyone in a relationship, noticing shifts in a partner’s behaviour can understandably cause some worry, anxiety or confusion, and shifts in sexual behaviour in particular can heighten this concern. I understand your desire for clarity, and I also want to avoid jumping to any conclusions or judgments about your husband’s behaviour – the focus here is about opening up communication between you so that you feel connected, clear and comfortable.
When it comes to people’s own individual expressions or experience of their own sexuality, I do feel we have to tread carefully. I believe everyone has the right to their own experiences of themselves as a sexual person, which means I believe people can and should enjoy masturbation if they choose, and enjoy their inner fantasy life or any external sources of eroticism, be that sex toys or erotica or pornography or whatever they’re into. Some people’s value system may direct them to not engage with those things and instead keep sexuality as purely a shared experience between individuals in a relationship – and if that’s comfortable, enjoyable and agreed upon in that relationship, wonderful. But if a person enjoys masturbation, fantasy, erotica and so on, and it’s not negatively impacting them or anyone else, I don’t think it’s particularly healthy for a partner to start policing, controlling or shaming that. If your values around sexuality are incompatible, you can aim for acceptance or shared agreements, or you can go your separate ways.
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[ ‘I caught my husband masturbating with a male friend but he says it’s nothing’Opens in new window ]
Where I do think it is sometimes necessary to raise an issue around a partner’s individual sexual life is when it is negatively affecting the lives of one or both of the partners, or the relationship as a whole. If someone’s pornography use is detracting from their quality of life and desire or ability to interact with the world; if it feels compulsive; if it is impacting a couple’s connection or sex life or the individual’s connection with others; if it is encouraging damaging ideas about sex or gender or bodies; if the money being spent on it has become financially unsustainable or there’s another felt or tangible problem, these are all very real impacts that should be addressed.
Similarly, if a person’s masturbation has become noticeable, intrusive or violating to others; if it feels compulsive; or if it is affecting the couple’s connection or shared sex life, that also needs to be addressed. Specialised individual and couples counsellors can be very helpful for these increasingly common issues, and support is available for people who feel like their own relationship with masturbation or pornography has become unhealthy, concerning or detrimental to their own wellbeing or to the health of their relationship.
Ask Roe for advice:
All of which brings me to you and your question. You mention your husband masturbating a lot and watching porn, and I’m curious in what ways you feel this is affecting you, him, and/or your relationship. Does it feel excessive because he’s not prioritising other things that make him happy? Is it affecting his wellbeing (for example, if he’s neglecting sleep, hygiene, hobbies or socialising)? Or is it affecting your connection? Is his phone use creating distance between you or hijacking his attention to a detrimental degree? Is it disturbing you in the home, does it feel intrusive, or is it affecting how you exist within your shared space? Or is his behaviour simply different from yours? Getting clear on what you are actually concerned about feels important here, as it can mean the difference between simply judging someone, and mindfully addressing an issue that has real impact.
The life and relationship context around this issue also feels important. Your husband has moved to a separate bedroom, which is due to snoring and makes sense. (Separate sleeping should be far more normalised among couples when necessary for people’s sleep, health or general wellbeing – a constantly sleep-deprived relationship is not going to be a fun one.) But I wonder if this is a recent change, or if moving to separate bedrooms has created a sense of loss in intimacy or connection that is adding to your feeling that his masturbation is a source of concern. Do you spend enough time together? Do you still cuddle and enjoy nonsexual physical affection? Are you missing the time in bed or in the bedroom where you get to chat, hold each other, connect, feel intimately connected? I’m asking because I wonder if you felt secure in your connection, would his current activities still be a concern – they may well be, but it’s worth considering.
[ ‘My girlfriend caught me masturbating and didn’t speak to me for weeks’Opens in new window ]
Another important contextual detail here is your husband’s recent retirement. That’s a big life transformation, which can sometimes be wonderful and celebratory and exciting for people, but can also be accompanied by loss of purpose or drive, a sense of loneliness or boredom, or a loss of identity, self-worth and self-esteem. As with any behavioural change, particularly around a big life event, it’s worth checking in with your husband about his mental health and how he’s feeling. It may be that he’s genuinely enjoying retirement and is just going through a temporary stage of indulging his sexual whims – or he may be turning to masturbation and pornography as a distraction and coping mechanism to deal with difficult emotions. If it’s the latter, the underlying issue needs to be addressed, and exploring ways to find a sense of purpose or more connecting and fulfilling coping mechanisms may be useful.
As to photographing himself, that could be explained by myriad reasons and motivations. It could be about body image and comparison that might be heightened by his experience of getting older or a shift in the source of his self-worth. It could be a curiosity about men’s bodies without any sexual desire; or he could find it arousing without it defining his sexuality; or it could be about sexual desire. There are so many possibilities that it isn’t really helpful to assume anything here. What is important is to open up communication between you.
Aim to start a conversation rooted in connection and curiosity rather than accusation or judgment. You could start by saying something like “Since you’ve retired, I’ve noticed you’re spending more sexual energy alone, and I’m feeling disconnected from you and a bit anxious about what it means. I just want to understand what this sexual exploration means for you and I want to make sure we stay connected.” See what he says. If you can, you could gently ask about how he’s feeling about his body lately, his mental health, and what masturbation and pornography are providing for him emotionally. You could also ask him about the pictures and if he’s exploring something with his sexuality. If you have witnessed specific negative impacts of his behaviour on you, him, or your relationship, share them, focusing on concern rather than accusation. See what he says. See if he’s open to communicating with you and prioritising your connection – both emotional and physical.
This is a time of transition and it doesn’t have to threaten your relationship. It could be a shift that leads to greater honesty and intimacy and understanding. If it feels like it would be helpful, seek out a sex-positive couples therapist who can help you navigate this evolution.
