Question
I’m in my early 20s. I have just finished college and I’m living at home with my parents. I work full-time. I get on well with my parents in general.
I’m not a fan of still living at home, when my siblings who are older have both moved out, but it is the reality for a lot of people my age. There have been some things that have happened in the past year with my friendships and realisations I’ve had about myself and my sexuality. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not straight, and some friends know.
When I have a problem or I’m in a difficult situation I usually ask my friends for their perspective and, depending on the situation, I ask my parents for their point of view. I have realised that while their perspective and advice is valuable, I have found myself in situations this year where I have thought it would be better to have a perspective from a therapist. I would also like to be a better version of myself and I think therapy might help with this. I’d like to try it.
I have found a therapist who specialises in LGBTQ+ issues and is covered by my health insurance. My question is, do I need to tell my parents that I am going to start therapy? My worry is that they’ll look up who the therapist is and they’ll see they specialise in LGBTQ+ issues and I’ll be put into a situation where I have to tell them something I don’t want to share with them yet. Any advice would be appreciated.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
To answer your question simply, you do not have to tell your parents that you are attending therapy or who that therapist might be. The whole premise of psychotherapy is that it is confidential and private to you. With your therapist you can discuss who, when and how you might wish to disclose any part of your private life with others – or indeed you may decide never to disclose anything. All this is the work of therapy.
Separating from parents, in the sense of becoming a separate adult, is an important stage of development and this is proving difficult for many people as they have no choice but to remain in the family home. Most people who move away from home know just how fast they revert to their teenage selves when they come home for holidays or Christmas.
Often, the regression turns into late nights and grumpy mornings or refusing to tell your parents what time they might expect you home. Parents also find that the lovely adult relationship they have built with their offspring morphs back to full-on parenting when the children return for a period of time. All this points to a need to discuss the new arrangement as adults in a house-sharing type situation.
Of course, the house is owned by your parents, but both you, and they, have rights and responsibilities that will not be met unless they are brought to the surface and agreed. This means that a sit-down needs to be had and normal house-sharing issues discussed – including finances, shopping, cleaning, house rules and privacy. The likelihood is that you will need to have many conversations before these issues can be fully ironed out: eg, should you be consulted before your parents organise a party; could you organise a cleaning rota, etc? If you are going to be in your family home for a while, you will need to bring up the possibility of you bringing someone home to be intimate with.
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You are, after all, in your 20s and in the height of your sexual desire, so this will need to be factored in at some stage. What can you negotiate that is acceptable and reasonable for you and them? It is important to present yourself as an independent adult and not succumb to embarrassment or awkwardness. It is also respectful to your parents to give them the credit of being able to handle your growth into adulthood. You are not looking for permission from them, but the minimum you need is acceptance and acknowledgment.
There is no rush with all this and your therapy will help you navigate the territory and deal with any blocks that present themselves to you. Fear of consequences is often the main block to avoidance, but this is based on a projection of how you think people might react and we are very often wrong about this. Fear will curtail your life, keep you in a position of being watchful and impair your enjoyment and delight in life. Having discussions with your parents will challenge this fear and grow your confidence.
It is wonderful that you have already sourced a therapist you might like to work with and this bodes well for your future, where you will resource yourself to get the most out of your life.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
