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Our long-time friend has become a judgmental gossip. Should we confront her?

Her comments are making us wonder if she is worth the bother

'One of the most concerning aspects is her commentary on other mutual friends.' Photograph: Marco VDM/Getty Images/iStock
'One of the most concerning aspects is her commentary on other mutual friends.' Photograph: Marco VDM/Getty Images/iStock

Dear Roe,

Why has our friend changed so much? A group of us, who have been close friends since college, have one friend who we have recently started to see a different side to. Everything she does and talks about seems to revolve around her, her career, her big house and expensive car. She has strong opinions on many topics, which she loves to let everyone know about with an air of superiority. One of the most concerning aspects is her commentary on other mutual friends.

If she meets someone from the extended friend group by herself and you later inquire how they are keeping, the reply invariably revolves around their weight, how they look and what they have in the material sense (car, house, money or not), and not how the actual person is in the context of their wellbeing or family, which is what the rest of us are interested in as good friends.

We recently discovered she has betrayed the confidence of certain friends, causing friction between them and their partners. She earns people’s trust but later gossips. This is against the values of most of our group and not the way we behave towards each other.

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We have all noticed the pattern. We are beginning to think she must be unhappy in her own life. We are also concerned she may interfere in our relationships, as she flirts obviously with our partners.

Should one of us speak to her about her behaviour to see if she has any problems in the background herself? This is not the friend we once knew. While we have worried about her, her attitude and comments are making us wonder if she is worth the bother.

Could she be suffering from depression, bipolar disorder or other mental health issues? Or potentially using drugs? Or should we just isolate her from the group and move on, just to have peace ourselves?

It’s clear you’re all hurting from your friend’s behaviour and grieving the caring, trusting relationship you all once shared with her, and I know you’re trying to navigate her hurtful behaviour with empathy and integrity. I understand this change in her demeanour and apparently her values is hurtful and shocking, but I do not think there’s much merit or use in trying to attribute her choices to drug problems, mood disorders or mental health struggles. This doesn’t seem likely. These are ongoing choices and behaviours, not substance-fuelled obnoxious moments.

It may well be true your friend is unhappy or insecure in her own life, which is leading her to be judgmental and critical of others in a futile attempt to feel more powerful. This could well be an explanation for her behaviour; however, an explanation is not an excuse. Gossiping, criticising people’s bodies, gathering personal information only to share it, judging her friends and disrespecting people’s relationships are the behaviours of a bully, and aren’t acceptable. You all need to start being very clear in your words and actions that her behaviour has been noticed and how she is treating you all is not acceptable.

You ask why your friend has changed so much, but what I think is a more important question is what boundaries do you all need to set now?

These approaches don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I suggest that one or two of you – no more than that, as she’ll feel ganged up on – ask to speak with her. Ask her if she’s doing okay and if there’s anything she wants to talk about. If she doesn’t offer up anything, explain that you wanted to speak with her because you’ve always known her as a kind, respectful, trustworthy and caring person, and that you have always valued her friendship. Then say that unfortunately, you’ve noticed changes in her behaviour that feel completely out of alignment with the type of person you know her to be.

Give examples of hurtful things she has done, and stress how surprised you were by her behaviour because you’ve always known her to be caring. The point is to observe a pattern of behaviour while appealing to her better nature, and giving her the chance to offer acknowledgment that she’s let both herself and her friends down. Sometimes when people just feel criticised or attacked, they become defensive and shut down any attempt to be self-aware. But if you approach more gently, appeal to a person’s better nature and give them the opportunity to acknowledge the impact of their behaviour, it can be a more helpful and generative conversation.

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She may take the chance to explain and apologise for her behaviour, in which case you can proceed cautiously, giving her a chance to see if her apology is actually matched by changed behaviour. Maybe she is going through a rough time and with a gentle nudge and some empathy, she’ll come back to herself, and you.

But she may not be ready for or capable of that level of self-reflection. Some people, when confronted with their own bad behaviour, would prefer to protect themselves against discomfort than take accountability. If that happens, you may see more defensiveness, denial or even a lashing out. That can be painful, but it’s also clarifying. It tells you she is not ready, or not willing, to repair what she has damaged.

It’s hard to lose a friendship that was once important and valuable, and you may have to grieve that

So go in with low expectations and clear boundaries. If she brushes off your concerns or doesn’t acknowledge her behaviour, be clear that she’s broken a lot of people’s trust and hurt some people’s feelings, and without apologies or changed behaviour, people will inevitably change their relationship with her.

If you continue to socialise with her, set boundaries in real time. You can do all of this without being cruel, and simply by reminding her explicitly and implicitly that your friendship group values respect, kindness and trust.

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If she makes any nasty comments about anyone, shut it down immediately with a simple “Wow, that’s rude”, or “We don’t talk about people like that”. If she starts gossiping, interrupt it with “We don’t gossip about each other” or “Does he/she know you’re talking about them?” The point is to show her that people are noticing her actions, are not enabling them, and that there are consequences to her actions. If it continues, you might pull back on invitations, put her on a low-information diet or let the friendship fade.

It’s hard to lose a friendship that was once important and valuable, and you may have to grieve that. But the friendship in front of you now is not the same one you cherished in the past. Whether she chooses to reflect and change, or not, you and your group are entitled to friendships that feel safe, respectful and nourishing.

So offer her one honest, compassionate conversation. Then, if nothing changes, choose peace, self-respect and real friendship. Good luck.