Dear Roe,
My partner has brought up their concerns over not having enough sex throughout the week. As a victim of sexual assault, I have told them that it can be difficult for me. How can I take on their concerns regarding sex, while also being sensitive to my own trauma?
I’m going to admit, my back is up immediately. Something that I’ve been watching with absolute dismay is how the rhetoric around sex positivity is being absorbed, weaponised and spat back out by some people as plain old sexual entitlement, disguised in progressive language. Sex positivity is a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual. Sex positivity has been incredibly important in undoing the shame that has surrounded sex for so long, and the ways in which people have been encouraged to judge and shame themselves and other people, as a means of control and oppression.
Conversations around sex positivity can include giving people permission to prioritise sex and sexual pleasure, whether that’s encouraging individuals to enjoy masturbation without shame, and telling busy couples that they are allowed carve out time for sex and schedule opportunities to have sex in the same way we schedule watching our favourite television shows or having dates — not so that people feel obligated to have sex “on schedule” if they don’t want to, but that they have saved time to connect in whatever way feels good for them at the time. I have, in the past, included suggestions like that in my advice to people, believing that it was obvious that telling people that sex is an important, joyous, pleasurable part of life that they are allowed to value absolutely does not mean that the desire for sex means you automatically have a right to partnered sex, or that the sexual desire of one person ever overrides the boundaries of another person. I increasingly fear that this was naïve, or maybe it has been clear, but some people will just find any way to justify entitlement.
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Perhaps your partner is indeed being respectful and gentle and approaching the topic with care and compassion, which is wonderful
When people have sex, they have the right for that sex to be consensual and hopefully pleasurable – but partnered sex itself is not a right, or an entitlement. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. That is the attitude that has created and perpetuated rape culture, including the support of institutionally supported sexual violence such as marital rape which was only made illegal in Ireland in 1991; and male entitlement to sex, which is being encouraged in a new generation of men by incel communities and misogynistic public figures such as Andrew Tate.
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A separate study found Klebsiella pneumoniae and Pseudomonas species on trolleys.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LT4R5E2VMRGQHERX6IKKH2MOH4","additional_properties":{},"content":"It would help if we could get into the habit of cleaning shopping trolley handles before use.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NNSSZFI7DNEEFB27UMKLJ2C74Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"Mobile phones have become a big part of travel, with airlines encouraging us to display boarding cards on their screens. Frequent handling and their warmth make them ideal for bacterial contamination. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"OKVNGNJFMRBPLPFKOSTZDTK6D4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Research shows phones can carry harmful bacteria including Staph. aureus. Mohammed advises not using our phones in bathrooms and to clean them with a slightly damp microfibre cloth and soap.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55RV7C3PXVFQBN2BG6WNSTFM2Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"The way to a human’s brain and immune system is through the gut","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TFOA6OZWJREINLW5DOEU7DT62E","additional_properties":{},"type":"image"},{"_id":"3UA3QE3AHJHDVOUU73CFJXBATY","additional_properties":{},"content":"When we are on the move, staying in hotels or Air BnBs, we have to use unfamiliar bathrooms. It’s worth being careful how we store our toothbrushes in each new location as flushing a toilet releases a plume of microscopic droplets, which can land on nearby toothbrushes. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMTUWPFGQJAKTHIQAMWJN5GOHQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Research found that toothbrushes stored in bathrooms can harbour E. coli, Staph. aureus and other microbes. If we rinse the toothbrush after each use, let it air-dry upright and store as far from the toilet as possible, we can protect ourselves from this source of microbes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AX4BRPKJIZDI3N467A3ZVWB56A","additional_properties":{},"content":"Finally, take care if sharing nail and beauty tools with your travel companions. Nail clippers, cuticle pushers and other grooming tools can spread harmful bacteria if they’re not properly cleaned.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZHO2RW47KRB6PET76NST4VO2XI","additional_properties":{},"content":"We can’t avoid all germs. But with a few good habits you can help protect yourself and others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6EKSFPQYRAGNGCCJQYVMAO5TY","additional_properties":{},"content":"mhouston@irishtimes.com","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Dr Muiris Houston"}},"name":"Muiris Houston"}]},"description":{"basic":"Dr Muiris Houston: Hotel remote controls - rarely sanitised - can be dirtier than toilet seats"},"display_date":"2025-07-29T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Germs: The dirtiest items are ones we might least expect but there are ways to protect yourself","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"ZW3OBC57PVFI5LOVCZDUPK6BG4","auth":{"1":"57b3139d1e84243618f38cecdcf1f40be859ba1a86d77e89a3c96557a06a6d4b"},"focal_point":{"x":2306,"y":1504},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/ZW3OBC57PVFI5LOVCZDUPK6BG4.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Wellness"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/07/29/germs-the-dirtiest-items-are-ones-we-might-least-expect-but-there-are-ways-to-protect-yourself/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-wellness","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Wellness"}}}},{"_id":"DXHTX2VDK5HNJA23BGZSNEIIEY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":167,"audio_url":"https://cdn.beyondwords.io/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/cc2052dd-6c11-4f59-bfa3-a6acbf827512/versions/1753303050/media/711240da5814ff18e83153608f62e692_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/07/27/eating-disorders-what-are-they-and-how-do-they-affect-patients/","content_elements":[{"_id":"DPNPHLQARFDOBGEDJPY4ERZP4E","additional_properties":{},"content":"","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMQO6U6EORFJFC73XSEGYEBNAI","additional_properties":{},"content":"Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions which are defined as having atypical eating behaviours that adversely affect a person’s mental or physical health.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UMKFOSCGZJFETLUWPVSY62TECA","additional_properties":{},"content":"The exact reason why people develop such disorders is unknown, although the Health Service Executive (HSE) says several things make a person more likely to develop one. These include low self-esteem, trauma, a history of sexual abuse, being a perfectionist, or a history of criticism about the person’s appearance.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WBT6H4NBWFHQHAN3CY4QBOYNPQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Here are some of the most commonly diagnosed eating disorders in Ireland:","type":"text"},{"_id":"AS3AOS2K7BE53FTUF2ZA43TV7I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Anorexia Nervosa is a condition in which people try to keep their weight as low as possible. Individuals diagnosed with anorexia do this by not eating enough food, exercising too much or both. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"7VSX3VREOJB6ZEYMXOLHCLBVDQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"There can be devastating health consequences, up to and including death, because the body is starved of the food it needs to keep the person safe and healthy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XRPAXZCSQFASBNNC2JR7HT7ZJU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Bulimia is an eating disorder that often involves a cycle of binge eating and purging. A person diagnosed with bulimia often sets strict rules for themselves about dieting, eating or exercising.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RIJRXX4VPNGKNFHUNUTRSODNPI","additional_properties":{},"content":"When a person is unable to keep to these strict rules, he/she overeats. Guilt and shame often follow, leading to purging to get rid of the calories, creating an unhealthy and damaging cycle.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6P5SJK55ZENNLDRLUJ7WSY6MU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Health complications associated with bulimia include heart, kidney or bowel problems, dental decay and bone problems, among others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOKVIZIK6NGKFPEFN6YDDWQPIY","additional_properties":{},"content":"Binge eating disorder (Bed) involves regularly eating large portions of food all at once until a person feels uncomfortably full. This is often followed by feelings of upset or guilt.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3UYREJRXJFE7PG47SOVCOQZUUE","additional_properties":{},"content":"According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, people with Bed are at a higher risk for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, gallbladder disease, heart disease and some types of cancer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HKTQN7D46JCHVJQ67LFS74YISE","additional_properties":{},"content":"How eating disorders are changing: ‘I’m not the stereotype. I’m a man, I’m plus-sized’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"65NMM2UAFZELTEROQFZNIB3CDM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, or Arfid, is a disorder in which a person avoids or restricts foods to such an extent that they do not take in a sufficient quantity or variety of food to meet adequate energy or nutritional requirements.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2JMYJETLNBDWTOA3AMDGWZIY4E","additional_properties":{},"content":"This can result in significant weight loss, significant nutritional deficiencies, dependence on oral nutritional supplements or tube feeding or has otherwise negatively affected the physical health of a person. It can often be diagnosed in people who are neurodivergent. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"KVHEOTCKFJDONIKZXKUQO46WRM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Other specified feeding or eating disorder, or Osfed, is when a person has symptoms that are similar to one or more of the above eating disorders, but may not meet all the criteria for these conditions.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Shauna Bowers"}},"name":"Shauna Bowers"}]},"description":{"basic":"Reason why people develop such disorders is unknown but low self-esteem and trauma are among them"},"display_date":"2025-07-27T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Eating disorders: What are they and how do they affect patients?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"TNPFCS3L75AGLBD7XB4QJ3W7BI","auth":{"1":"e2085e646344de4ff9a8137112f22a815a5e03ad2de07cca1b15daa641e15e9f"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/TNPFCS3L75AGLBD7XB4QJ3W7BI.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Wellness"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/07/27/eating-disorders-what-are-they-and-how-do-they-affect-patients/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-wellness","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Wellness"}}}},{"_id":"RFMP6B2L5NBETNPF7GI2Y5RIZY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":476,"audio_url":"https://cdn.beyondwords.io/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/571dc4c8-b153-4303-be9c-1c97c54a2217/versions/1752500330/media/467ff921a66f9dd1bb9c48eee37063d9_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/07/27/ive-met-a-wonderful-man-but-hes-starting-to-give-me-the-ick/","content_elements":[{"_id":"W4BLYR7PFFECVBCEQMYJVMLFMA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Dear Roe, ","type":"text"},{"_id":"2NPWRRG7X5GVZF7N25TOCHXHOM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’ve met a wonderful man. After years of crap dates, false starts, commitmentphobes and ghosting, I’ve finally met a man who seems to really want to integrate me into his life early in dating (introducing me to friends and family, calling me his girlfriend) and is intelligent and sensitive. My issue is that, a few months in, I find a lot of aspects of his personality quite annoying – anything from talking too loud in restaurants to interrupting when I speak. The sex hasn’t been great but is improving as we get to know each other. I’m aware that because of things in my past (emotionally manipulative partners and harassment, borderline stalking from an ex) I can be quite avoidant, and that “getting the ick” is sometimes more about finding excuses not to be with someone. But how do I know where the line is between avoidance and genuine incompatibility? Just because someone is smart, respectful, and ready to commit doesn’t mean they’re right for me. At the same time, does doing things I find “icky” (but are wholly innocuous) mean they’re wrong for me? Should I accept that no one is perfect, or keep looking? ","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DYLEFZFBRAZBBC53GUTTZ546Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"Let’s look to the philosophers for this one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EAUGLAGBHFHR7MPDHEVBVCJW3Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"In Witnessing Subjectivity, Kelly Oliver writes that “love is an ethics of differences that thrives on the adventure of otherness”. In Alain Badiou’s In Praise of Love, Badiou describes the basis of love’s starting and flourishing as the “encounter between two differences”. For Martha Nussbaum, real-life love requires an embracing stance, and saying yes “with a mercy and tenderness that really do embrace the inconstancy and imperfection of… real-life love”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5B7YE3DUFDGDODEF72VOEJWMI","additional_properties":{},"content":"Or as columnist Dan Savage puts it, the price of admission for having true love is embracing that other people are different from you. And along with all the ways that fact makes life more rich and beautiful and exciting and magic, it also fills life with people who talk too loud, who interrupt, who chew with their mouth open, who walk around after a shower only naked from the waist down (the least dignified form of naked) – or whatever their particular constellation of annoying little differences is.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B7A4HEVAG5DZBJNSYF7ZX22NMU","additional_properties":{},"content":"The price of admission that they pay is embracing that you also are different to them, and accepting all of your annoying little differences.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T2UICZIGNZHEXC5FAEHVA2ZRTM","content":"