The France and Toulon centre Mathieu Bastareaud tried to kill himself in 2009, he has revealed in a candid autobiography that describes his battle with alcoholism and depression.
The book, entitled in translation Head High: Confessions Of A Terrible Child Of Rugby, also tells of Bastareaud’s troubled childhood, in which he suffered from bulimia, and his regret at having not come clean about the reasons for the facial injury he suffered on France’s tour of New Zealand in 2009, when he claimed that he had been attacked by five men in central Wellington only to admit later that he had injured himself after falling over drunk in his hotel room.
The initial lie prompted John Key, the New Zealand prime minister, to issue an apology to the France international and also sparked a police investigation.
Having returned to his hotel room from a drinking session after France’s 14-10 defeat by the All Blacks Bastareaud explains: “I lost my balance, I staggered and, awkwardly, collapsed on the floor with all my weight. In my fall, I smashed the room’s night table. The shock was terrible. I was bleeding a lot and it hurt. My left cheekbone had exploded … I panicked.
“The doctor asked me how I got the injury. I should have confessed I was drunk, but I was ashamed of my behaviour and afraid to face consequences. I was a coward.
“So, instead of telling the truth and trusting management, I developed a lie. A lie, that would have heavy consequences.”
Bastareaud writes that the decision to attempt to take his own life was directly related to this lie and the negative media coverage that followed it. Having returned to France after the tour he logged on to an anonymous website and read a number of posts that were critical of him. “I jumped up and walked to the kitchen. I took a big knife and slit my veins,” he writes. “I immediately collapsed on the floor, fainting.
“My friends in the living room heard the noise and came in. They saw the knife, the blood, and me lying there, unconscious and they called emergency services immediately.
“I don’t know if I really wanted to die. I wanted to suffer. I wanted to punish myself. When you hear everywhere all day long that you are just a loser, that you don’t deserve to be there … you try to keep a cool attitude but you begin to believe what people say … I smiled in public but, as soon as I came back home, I was alone.”
Bastareaud took time in hospital to recover fully from the physical and emotional damage he had inflicted on himself. He is now benefiting from the help of a psychologist and is a part of the France squad preparing for the Rugby World Cup in England, which starts in September.
