Planet Football: These aren't the happiest of times for Jermain Defoe, not least because he's yet to convince Martin Jol that he's worthy of a place in the Spurs team - or, on the odd occasion, even a place on the bench.

To add to his woes Defoe was given three penalty points last week (and a £60 fine - he'll cope) after being caught using his mobile phone while driving.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said it hoped Defoe's conviction would be a lesson to other drivers. Alas, the photo shows one driver still to learn from the player's mistake. And he is? Yep, Jermain Defoe, snapped on his way in to Spurs training - the day after being handed his punishment. A smart cookie, eh?

A warm welcome to Avram Grant

"Avram Grant is going to be as welcome at Chelsea as Camilla at Diana's memorial."

- Former Chelsea winger Pat Nevin, pining for Jose, the King of Hearts.

"He's not even a household name in his own front room."

- Former Conservative minister and lifelong Chelsea supporter (apart from the time he supported Fulham) David Mellor.

"Israeli football is the bottom of the barrel . . . and Grant is one of its lowly products."

- Mellor again.

"If you were telling me Grant ticks the right boxes to become Chelsea manager, sorry you're wrong. He's achieved nothing in football - it's like giving me the job."

- Ireland's former Special One, Tony Cascarino.

"To be honest, if there are people who hate Israelis now they hate us more because of Avram. I think the way that Grant got his job was disgusting. As a human being I would be ashamed to walk on the streets after the things Avram has done. Avram undermined Chelsea's greatest manager . . . but way to go, Mr Grant, you made it big time. Good for you."

- Eyal Berkovic. Grant, incidentally, ended the former West Ham midfielder's international career when he was manager of Israel.

Irish enjoy jet-set life

Andy Keogh and Kevin Foley, who were in the Irish squad for the recent games against Slovakia and the Czech Republic, were highly impressed by the service laid on for them by Wolves chairman Stephen Morgan after the game in Prague. The pair, along with club-mates Wayne Hennessey and Freddy Eastwood, who were on international duty with Wales in Bratislava on the same night, were whisked home on Morgan's eight-seater private jet.

"Right after the game me and Kevin Foley went to the airport and jumped on the plane," said Keogh. "Freddy and Wayne had already been picked up and, just an hour and a half later we were back home in our own beds while the rest of the Irish boys were still in Prague." No complaints, then. Except: "If I was being picky, I could point out there were no stewardesses and no alcohol on board, but it gave us a glimpse of how the other half live," said Keogh.

Quotes of the week

"I'm not like Michael Jackson, I'm not a lover, I'm a fighter."

- Spurs manager Martin Jol who, they tell us, is on the verge of being told to beat it by his chairman.

"We are a young side, yes, but I think the qualities are immense. This is a unique team in Europe. We are unique because, as we say in Holland, 'the nose is pointed at the same direction'."

- Arsenal's Robin Van Persie. Eh?

"I always say you have to have a relaxed attitude because in the right hand there is a bomb and in the left there is a hand grenade. If you are wrong, it can explode in your face."

- Arsene Wenger explaining why he won't be buying Ronaldinho. Eh?

"I was a bit worried no one was going to come to turn up for my book signing, but I was quite relieved to see some people there. I thought about going to sit outside Northern Rock because you knew there would be a queue there."

- Plymouth supremo Ian Holloway in search of a crowd.

"I've had my phone on ever since Jose's departure, but I guess Roman must have misplaced my number."

- Neil Warnock, still waiting for that call.

Don't dig too deep

One of the wackier stories we've stumbled upon this year featured in the Daily Starlast week. The all-singing and dancing diva Mariah Carey had a notion that she was somehow related to the late, great Nat King Cole, so she did a little digging. But - are your sitting comfortably? - she discovered that she is, in fact, more likely to be related to Chelsea full-back Ashley Cole. "It's fascinating," she wept, "my grandmother was a Cole before she married and it turns out she comes from the same area of Alabama as Ashley's ancestors in the Deep South." Actually, it's a toss-up over which one of the two should be more embarrassed by the connection - a draw, maybe.

More quotes of the week

"You should have banked with The Woolwich."

- Manchester City fans to their Newcastle visitors on Saturday. Newcastle, you should know, are sponsored by Northern Rock.

"I will always miss London - it was a special place. The thing I miss most is bread and butter pudding. It was my cup of tea."

- Thierry Henry, sick to the back teeth of paella.

"I regret that Mourinho is no longer working for Chelsea. He is a great manager who has always backed me . . . I had an open and relaxed relationship with him."

- Michael Ballack. It's the way he tells 'em.

"I don't think that they loved Jose from the first week. It's the same in life. Did you love your wife from the first meeting? Yes? Then don't tell that to my wife please."

- Avram Grant, conceding the Chelsea faithful haven't fallen in love with him on first sight.

"I am not the Special One. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special. What am I like? I am 180cm."

- Grant again, this time giving us his vital statistics.

See Austria and weep

"Dear football fans! Your entering this site means you care about attractive football. It also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watching a match featuring the Austrian national football team."

So read the greeting on www.rueckgrat.cc when we dropped in last week, a website that has been set up by disillusioned Austrian fans, whose team hasn't won in eight games, who are petitioning the Austrian Football Association "to voluntarily resign from participating in the Euro 2008". Tricky, seeing as they're hosting the tournament with Switzerland.

More than 4,000 people having already signed the petition, the organisers of which claim that "displays of true skill by Austria occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts". You can also buy an "Initiative for an Austria-free Euro 08" t-shirt on the site. Perhaps we could spare them all this trouble and simply offer to take their place?