Michael Healy-Rae sounded very rough yesterday.
Like he’d been up all night drinking pints, smoking fat cigars and singing bawdy ballads about the Ring of Kerry.
Of course, he had done nothing of the sort.
He croaked his way painfully through a question on recent speculation that the television licence fee might be extended to cover portable devices such as laptops and iPads.
Minister for Public Expenditure Paschal Donohoe assured him that no such proposal had been brought before Cabinet. He said that if and when there was a debate on "the structure of the licence" his "points will be central to any considerations".
Paschal took Leaders’ Questions yesterday in the Taoiseach’s absence. The Tánaiste was otherwise engaged too, probably wisely steering clear of any more Garda Commissioner-related questions after her two-hour grilling on the subject on Tuesday evening.
The night before he left for Malta on EU and Brexit-related business, Enda telephoned his Head Boy in Cabinet and asked him to deputise for him. Naturally, Paschal said “Thank-you very much, Taoiseach”.
Clean shirt
Then he applied himself to his homework. After which, we reckon, he made sure he had a clean shirt and his suit was all nice and pressed and then he laid everything out, all ready for the morning.
And there he was, bright as a Phibsborough button, in the hot seat on the big ticket day of the Dáil week, ready to take command. But in a very respectful and courteous way, obviously.
He politely but firmly informed an opportunistic Danny Healy-Rae that revelations about Garda members grossly exaggerating the number of people they breathalysed in the course of their duty would not lead the Government to rethink its legislation on lowering the alcohol limit for drivers. Then he added: “By the way, it’s great to see your brother back in action after the nasty incident that, I understand, he went through recently.”
Which was the reason for Michael’s very sore throat.
The TD for Kerry – he was nearly done in by a rampaging heifer on his farm this time last year – was still suffering the after-effects of a near fatal encounter with a roast chicken on Sunday. It seems he was at home wolfing down his dinner at great speed when a lump of the bird went down the wrong way and he began to choke.
He struggled out to his wife Eileen who was in the yard hanging out the washing. She summoned the neighbours for help. After two failed attempts at the Heimlich manoeuvre, Healy-Rae, by now starting to turn blue, managed to dislodge the piece of meat by forcing his fingers down his throat. By this stage, an ambulance had been called.
Happily, Michael lived to fight another day and learned not to bolt down his food.
“And by the way, thank you very much,” he rasped to Paschal, who nodded back as if to say, “It’s nothing. Really.”
Micheál Martin was touched by the scene. “You’re all heart,” he smirked.
The Fianna Fáil leader had been watching Donohoe with interest during the session. In the last few months, he's watched Frances Fitzgerald, Leo Varadkar, Simon Coveney and now, nice Paschal take the reins for Leaders' Questions.
Donohoe would be a difficult opponent. Even-tempered, painstakingly reasonable and unfailingly courteous, a long period facing him across the Dáil floor could drive a body to contemplating acts of violence – if not against the relentlessly agreeable Minister with his always measured tones, then against the nearest piece of furniture.
‘Dull thud’
If, in Socialist Joe Higgins’s famous description, trying to get a reaction from Bertie Ahern was like trying to play handball against a haystack: “There’s a dull thud and nothing comes back”, then attempting the same with Paschal is akin to playing badminton against a beanbag.
The Fianna Fáil leader decided to take a breather from the Garda controversy (it’s not going away any time soon) and talk about the continuing Bus Éireann strike. The bus drivers held a protest rally outside Leinster House yesterday.
Martin felt that the Bus Éireann strike was being overlooked by the Government for reasons of geography, as much as anything else. Had it involved Dublin Bus, for example, instead of the fleet that operates around the country, he said there would have been a lot more urgency to get the problem sorted.
He mistakenly called Paschal “Taoiseach”, then hurriedly apologised.
“Don’t be sorry at all,” whooped Mattie McGrath. “He’s delighted.”
Of course, Paschal, modesty personified, kept his head down.
“I’m in twubble now!” he muttered, quietly delighted.
Ó Snodaigh spoke with the voice of experience. He was all of eight years old at the time.
But while the Minister is very good at disarming people with his best boy in the class routine, he’s well able to land a few digs when he wants to.
Gerry Adams reminded him about the big Brexit event happening across the water and wanted to know if the Government’s negotiating position would be to fight for Northern Ireland’s designated special status within the European Union?
Paschal thanked him very much for his question. Then, having done his homework the night before, he talked about what the then taoiseach Fianna Fáil’s Jack Lynch said about Ireland’s place in Europe when the Dáil debated entering the European Economic Community back in 1972, following this up with what the then leader of the opposition, Fine Gael’s Liam Cosgrave, also had to say about the benefits of subscribing “to the ideal of European unity”.
As for now, of course the Government is very mindful of Northern Ireland’s special position.
Angelic look
At which point he shot an angelic look at Adams and concluded: "For the record, when parties in the Dáil were speaking about joining Europe, the position of Sinn Féin at that point was 'Ireland free, no EEC'."
Sinn Féin’s Aengus Ó Snodaigh snorted: “You weren’t even born then!”
Which is true. Donohoe was born in 1974. Ó Snodaigh, on the other hand, spoke with the voice of experience. He was all of eight years old at the time.
“It is welcome to hear deputy Adams now talk positively about a construct and a political union which he has spent so long criticising,” responded Paschal sweetly, as the Sinn Féin leader glowered.
“I remember well the campaign in the 1970s for this State to go into the EEC. I campaigned against it. I think that was the right position,” sniffed Gerry.
“We have changed our position over the years to one of critical engagement.”
But Paschal wasn't letting him away that lightly. "You can't have it both ways. You've been on your feet for decades criticising everything the European Union stands for and you're now only lately recognising its values."
So if he really wants to be helpful, “the greatest contribution Sinn Féin could make to all of this, which is lamentably absent in our current environment, is the speedy formation of an Executive in Northern Ireland”. This way, he suggested, “Sinn Féin could play a leading role in representing the interests of that community.”
Critical engagement, Donohoe style.
