A photograph of Dublin boy Daniel Aruebose, whose remains were found in a north Dublin field, was released by An Garda Síochána and broadcast across all media channels this week.
Daniel’s beautiful face has been prominently displayed everywhere, leaving parents to grapple with how best to explain to their own children how a 3½-year-old boy could go missing and only be found four years later.
Mental health experts will generally agree that decisions around how much information parents should share with their children depends on what the child has picked up on already and, crucially, what age they are in terms of their ability to comprehend and process such sad details.
“With a big bad news story like this, parents must try as best as they can to shield under sevens from the news,” says psychotherapist Dr Joanne Fortune. This means switching from news channels to music when travelling with children in the car, watching television news when children are in bed and keeping the audio off if watching news on phones when with your children.
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“And if a young child does hear something and asks you, ‘did a child die?’ It’s best to just say, ‘yes, sadly, a little boy died and lots of people are working very hard to find out what happened’,” says Fortune.
With eight- to 12-year-olds, Fortune says you have to assume that they’ve heard something. “Approach it with curiosity. Say something like – How was your day? Did you hear anything funny, scary, interesting or confusing today?” she suggests.
And then, be led by their questions. “Your job as a parent is to ascertain what they know and then clarify and contain. Because otherwise, they will fill in the gaps with inaccuracies,” Fortune says.
Chartered clinical psychologist Dr Malie Coyne says that it is important to keep routines steady if children are anxious and tell them these things are very rare.
“Tell them that they can ask you anything and that if you don’t know the answer, you’ll come back to them. It’s important that they know we try really hard to keep children safe and that it’s okay to feel sad or confused or angry about this,” she says.
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For those aged eight to 12, it’s also about keeping an eye out for any otherwise unexplained changes in behaviour as more details emerge about how Daniel died and why he was not reported as missing four years ago.
Be vigilant if children are off their food, tearful or clingy or finding it difficult to go to sleep. Respond with nurture, for example, by cuddling up on the sofa to watch a film together.
When it comes to talking to teenagers about the discovery of Daniel’s remains, mental health experts agree that expressing your own feelings is a good way to start the conversation.
Fortune suggests that a parent could say how overwhelmed and shocked they were by the news and ask the teenager what they have heard and where they heard it.
“Thirteen- to 18-year-olds still need safe and reliable parents who can clarify the soundbites they are seeing on TikTok and provide them with reassurance,” says Fortune.
Thinking of families living in north Dublin close to the excavation and discovery of Daniel’s remains, Coyne says that some parents might need support themselves before they speak with their children.
“It’s okay for a child to know you are upset. And, for you to speak to a friend, family member or professional about how sad it is that a child was dead for four years before anybody went looking for him,” Coyne says.
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However, in general, children can deal with more than you think if you tell them the truth. “It’s always about reassuring them and saying you’re safe with us and the police are working hard to understand what happened,” Coyne says.
Coyne, who is also the psychology lead for the Lust for Life mental health programme for primary and secondary schools says that it is also good to remind children that communities come together to support each other at times of tragedy such as this.
