We have just over three months until a new president of Ireland is elected. Our beloved Michael D Higgins has served us well, but after 14 years it’s time for a new face in the Áras. Yes, it would be fantastic to see someone who can match Michael D’s poetic presence as our head of State. But are we really going to pass up the opportunity to do the most hilarious thing in the history of world leaders? Elect Rosie O’Donnell as Uachtarán na hÉireann.
Come on. It would be worth it just to see Donald Trump’s Honey Monster face. He’s been in a feud with O’Donnell since 2006 when she called him out for hypocrisy over his moralising about a Miss USA and her substance use issues. Almost 20 years later, his hatred for O’Donnell is one of the very few things he remains constant on.
Assuming O’Donnell is granted her Irish citizenship in time, I don’t see any reason why she couldn’t run for president. I checked Citizens Information, the greatest website in the world. O’Donnell is in the process of applying for an Irish passport through descent. Her father was born in Ireland and moved to the US from Donegal as a child. Her mother’s family moved from Kildare to Canada in the 1850s. She moved to Ireland in January, a relocation she’d promised to herself and her youngest child if Trump was elected again.
He’s repeatedly referenced his hatred for her over the past two decades – and she has continued to prod him, even as, she says, his bullying took a serious toll on her. Most recently he threatened to revoke her US citizenship after she posted a photo of Trump with Jeffrey Epstein, the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender with whom he was once friendly. He’s made similar threats to his former bestie Elon Musk, and New York City mayor hopeful Zohran Mamdani. Of course, Trump doesn’t have the grounds or power to revoke O’Donnell’s citizenship. “Go ahead and try, King Joffrey with a tangerine spray tan. I’m not yours to silence. I never was,” she quipped.
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And look, far be it from me to want to offer Trump any reason to create a distraction from whatever hellscape he’s cooking up. It’s alleged that his recent bouts of lashing out at O’Donnell are an attempt to divert attention away from coverage of the so-called Epstein files, and Trump’s appearance, or not, in them. But just imagine O’Donnell sailing into the Oval Office on St Patrick’s Day, having whipped the bowl of shamrock from whoever the rotating rotisserie chicken taoiseach is that month.
Aside from all the Trump trolling, she might turn out to be a great candidate for the role of president. She spent six years hosting her own hugely successful chatshow. So we know she wouldn’t get tongue-tied showing some dignitaries Mary Robinson’s Light in the Window, or while making a wry joke about all the fellows in Simon Coleman’s Council of State painting.
When Michael D and Sabina leave the Phoenix Park it’s likely they’ll be taking their dog, Misneach. Luckily, O’Donnell has a dog. Her youngest child Clay’s autism service dog is a black Labrador called Kuma. I know we’re used to Bernese Mountain Dogs in the Áras, but you also can’t go wrong with a lab (RIP Chieftain, my beloved yellow Labrador). There is even speculation that the architect of the White House, the Irish-born James Hoban, took inspiration for his 1792 design from Áras an Uachtaráin, then the residence of the British viceroy. Trump would absolutely hate finding out that his house is just a copy of O’Donnell’s.
[ An accuser’s story suggests Trump might appear in the Epstein filesOpens in new window ]
Trouble is, I doubt O’Donnell will put her hat in the ring. She’s a busy woman. She’s reportedly signed up to star in an upcoming new Irish comedy-drama series and will spend most of August at the Fringe in Edinburgh with her new stand-up show, which premieres at the Olympia theatre in Dublin this weekend. She spent the earlier part of the summer trying out her new material at a weekly gig in The Comedy Cellar at Dublin’s International Bar.
Besides, nothing brings the skeletons out of the closet like running for the Irish presidency. If you stole a Twix from H Williams in 1986, we will find out about it and get, at minimum, four news cycles out of the story.
At the very least, can we give Rosie O’Donnell the freedom of Doonbeg? I guarantee she’d give the town better publicity than Donnie boy ever could.
