It’s happened again. Someone likes one of my posts on Instagram, and I don‘t recognise their name. I am fussy about who follows my Instagram, so I click on their profile, aggrieved. I didn‘t approve this random yet seemingly well-meaning woman from viewing my holiday snaps, even if they are just views of a sunset beach and hardly qualify as top secret information.
Cue a sigh of relief. It’s that nice girl who was in my class in school, or the friend of a friend from college (maybe I’m not so selective about my followers after all). She’s just got married and changed her last name. Despite not knowing why she’s changed her surname to match her new husband’s, I can‘t help but feel a little sad. Another one bites the dust. Another good woman in a heterosexual relationship lost to the Mrs machine.
Research shows that she’s far from alone. A 2023 study conducted by the US-based Pew Research Centre found that 79 per cent of women took their husband’s last name, 14 per cent kept their own last name and 5 per cent went for a double-barrelled option. In contrast, 92 per cent of men kept their last names and 5 per cent changed them. Less than 1 per cent hyphenated their name with their partner’s last name.
What about LGBTQ couples? Their approach is far more egalitarian, according to some small studies, with the majority opting to keep their own last name, followed by double-barrelling. Qualitative research shows the reasons for this are varied, but many couples reported feeling removed from a patriarchal naming tradition created by a society that has long ostracised their relationships. They also valued equality, citing it as a reason for not changing surnames.
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It’s clear that women changing their surnames after marriage to men is still an extremely common practice. Some people think this is just a harmless tradition, but I can‘t get past the symbolic misogyny. Originally, the bride’s father was “giving her away” to her new husband, which is why some women walk down the aisle with their fathers. This practice is first noted in the Church of England’s 1549 Book of Common Prayer. The bride is now the husband’s “property”, so she takes his surname after marriage. This idea was codified in English common law, known as coverture, where the married woman became “legally dead” and one with her husband, according to historian Catherine Allgor, speaking to brides.com.
While women in Ireland are no longer viewed as their husband’s property, changing one’s surname is still a loss of identity. It’s not a tradition that I chose to partake in when I got married last year (both my parents walked me down the aisle, in case you wondered). My mother set an example by not taking my father’s last name, despite the entire world appearing to assume she had. People often thought my parents were divorced as they had different surnames, and letters arrived to the house addressed to Mr and Mrs Kenny, despite the fact no such Mrs lived there.
I had a big white wedding in a church (I am nothing if not contradictory) and I am proud to be married to my husband, but why should I lose my surname to prove my love and devotion to him? Modern marriage should be about unity and equality, and for me, changing my surname to his would never make me feel like an equal.
Some women argue that they “just like” the tradition of becoming a Mrs. Yet, we aren‘t raised in a vacuum and our thoughts are shaped by society. From a young age, women are fed the narrative that our biggest achievement will be having a wedding and becoming a wife. Men are not given the same message, when‘s the last time you heard a man aspiring to become someone’s husband? The sheer proliferation of “Mrs” and “wifey” memorabilia that’s splashed across women‘s social media in the run-up to their weddings is staggering. “Last Christmas as a Miss” is a phrase I have seen. While this may seem innocuous, it feeds into the idea that a woman is merely an extension of her husband – especially as we don‘t see too many men walking around in “hubby” T-shirts on their stag dos.
If changing one’s name isn‘t a big deal and isn‘t sexist, why don‘t we see more men taking their wife’s surname? Or going double-barrelled? I think due to the way they are socialised, most men would not be willing to give up their last name, lest this be seen as emasculating. I know many women who say their husbands and/or in-laws wouldn‘t be happy if they kept their own name. To me, this is a massive red flag – why do we normalise this symbolic control?
I often hear women worrying that if they don‘t change their name, they won‘t have the same surname as their kids. While this is a valid concern, why are we automatically giving children just their father’s surname? I wish my parents had given me a double-barrelled name, as I think this is true equality. This is what happens in Spain, where every person has a double-barrelled surname derived from their mother and father.
I understand that some women want to change their surnames because they have a difficult relationship with their father or family of origin, and taking their husband’s name seems like a good move. But I’m beginning to hear of another option: the couple chooses a new surname that they both take. This can be an amalgamation of their existing names, or a totally new name. I know a couple who opted for the placename of a beloved holiday spot. What better way to start off married life than by creating a new joint identity? Now, I am off to convince my husband that “Áine Athens” has a nice ring to it.
