As a child, Laura craved unconditional love. But instead of cuddles and family outings, her lasting memories are of bitter rows. “My mum never wanted children,” she says. “She told me that the only reason she didn’t get an abortion was she found out about the pregnancy too late.”
Laura’s dad left when she was very young, which she thinks made her mother resentful. “She had to stay and be the responsible mum, which she hated. On one occasion, my grandparents took me away and I remember thinking, this is what family should be like.”
The relationship dissolved completely when Laura was a teenager. "Mum's first love was always men, and when I was 15 she moved to Africa for a boyfriend without telling me." It's something she found impossible to forgive, especially as there has never been an explanation or apology. "She has contacted me since but always asks for money. That's why I made the decision to cut all ties with her."
Laura puts her mother’s behaviour down to a traumatic upbringing, but she can’t make the same excuses for her father. “Dad had a lovely childhood, but he has no emotions or empathy for anyone. We haven’t spoken in seven years.”
Although she is close to his parents and they encouraged her and her father to repair the damaged relationship, it brought her nothing but more hurt. “After he left my mum, he went on to have a new family; that was really hard for me to handle, when he’d made so little effort with me. “My issues with my mum and dad have badly affected my mental health all throughout my life,” she continues. “I see a therapist regularly now to try to help me deal with the emotions.”
When she gets married next year, neither of her parents will be invited. “I grew up thinking I did something wrong for my parents not to want me. My only regret is not telling my dad how much I hated him. I don’t hate my mum; I just feel sorry for her and I wish she could see what she’s done.”
Miserable childhood
Ending all contact with a parent may sound extreme, but for Alice it was an act of self-preservation. "My dad left when I was eight and I haven't spoken to my mum once since I moved to Germany 10 years ago," she explains. "She wasn't maternal and had a really bad temper, which she took out on me. She would never be affectionate and I felt unloved."
Like Laura, Alice believes her mother may have had a miserable childhood, which meant she lacked the emotional tools to be a good parent. “After I grew up and had my own daughter, our relationship got even worse,” she says. “I became more aware of how unimportant I was to her life.”
Alice’s mother never came to see her or her granddaughter, but she did form a close bond with her son’s new family. “It hurt me that she made an effort to spend time with my brother’s children and not mine. Over time I have come to terms with the fact that she never loved me. I don’t hate her or feel sorry for her; I just don’t want her in my life any more.”
Snobby, sexist, bigoted and racist
Andy hasn’t spoken to his mother for 25 years, after they stopped communicating in his early 20s. For him, the problem was a lack of respect and common values. “I grew up in a ‘children should be seen and not heard’ household, where my parents’ opinion was the only right one. We would have dinner in silence and my parents never encouraged me in my interests or activities.”
He says he was never praised for his achievements, only criticised for doing things wrong. “Whatever I did, it was never good enough. If I did well at something, my dad would always have to prove he was better.”
The house rules were strict and he was sent to bed by 8pm every night, even at the age of 16. But instead of sleeping, Andy found himself listening to the radio to escape the boredom. He quickly became interested in current affairs and politics, which gave him a new insight into the world. “It made me realise that my parents’ views were snobby, sexist, bigoted and racist. I was never allowed to voice any opinion that contradicted their views or I’d be sent to my room. It made me lose respect for them.”
Andy’s dad died when he was 18, but he felt no real sense of loss. “We were living in the same house, but we hadn’t had a conversation for over a year. I can’t say I regretted not making up with him. He was miserable to be around.”
Several years later, Andy graduated from university and bought a house. “I was so proud but my mum told me it was horrible. She said it looked like a council house and asked why I wanted to live in a slum.”
As his career advanced, she became more critical and constantly compared him with his brother. “I was 21 and felt successful but she was ashamed of everything I did because it didn’t fit her snobbish ideals.” Eventually, he stopped contacting both his mother and brother, and has never looked back. “It wasn’t really a difficult decision to make because we had nothing in common and they didn’t accept me or my life choices.”
Andy understands why some people see this as a surprising decision, but has no interest in sustaining a relationship for the sake of it. “I feel like seeing your parents under duress or out of duty is wrong. If you have made no effort to build a relationship with your children, I don’t think you can expect them to be there.”
Ghosting
For other families, the rift is a result of the parents’ divorce. Helen lost contact with two of her four adult children this year, after ending an emotionally abusive relationship with their father. “Since we separated in 2011, it’s been a slow process of parental alienation,” she says. “My son hasn’t spoken to me since April and my middle daughter is now ghosting me on every channel of communication.”
She believes her former partner has used the same manipulation tactics on her children as those that destroyed their marriage. “Once the kids got older and I developed my own life and interests, my ex became controlling and tried to stop me from doing the things I liked,” she explains. During a period of gaslighting that spanned many years, she says he told lies about her behaviour to friends and family. “Once he told them I was drunk and suicidal and I’d gone missing. In reality I’d gone to the supermarket. When I joined a local band he told everyone I was crazy and that I wanted to run away and become famous.”
Over time, her husband’s side of the story was believed and Helen began feeling alienated from her family. “I sadly lost my mum a few years ago and my dad is a man’s man and took my ex’s side.”
The divorce impacted the children hugely, and damaged them emotionally. Despite making every effort to build bridges with her children, she admits she doesn’t know what their father has told them. “He has always manufactured an argument before parties and celebrations, to prevent me from coming to the event. He also accused me of having an affair when I got a new partner, even though I never cheated on him,” she says. The relationships with her two estranged children became so strained that she wasn’t given an opportunity to discuss what had happened. “The only explanation they’ve ever given me is that I don’t care about them or that I treat them as little kids.”
Though losing contact has been an extremely painful experience, she doesn’t blame her children. “It’s not their fault – they’ve learned it from their dad,” she says. “They’re like goldfish swimming in a tank where someone keeps adding a tiny bit of colour every day, until they start to see things in a completely different way.”
She would love the opportunity to reconnect with her children, but doesn’t see how it will happen. “At the moment I feel like I am standing outside and they’re inside a glass room. I really miss them.” – Guardian
