Question
My partner already had a daughter when we met about five years ago and, even though it was sometimes difficult for this little girl to trust me, we managed to create a type of good family.
Her real dad was always difficult and he could not be trusted to turn up to pick up his daughter and it took a long time for the little girl to trust me to be there for her. Gradually I earned that trust, and I was so honoured when she would hold my hand and run to me when I came home from work.
However, I am now thinking of breaking that trust and I am horrified of what it might do to this little girl and her trust issues with men.
My partner (her mum) suffers from depression and the black cloud can be all encompassing and I feel like I am being sucked into it. I feel bad even thinking of leaving, as I know it is not what a good person would do, but nothing I do makes any difference and we are both so unhappy.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
The times between depressive periods have got shorter, and this current one is going on for months. My partner has stopped showering, making lunches, cooking or cleaning and of course she is off work on long-term sick leave.
Her mother, who helps us out sometimes, says she will come out of it in her own time, but I am feeling helpless and hopeless.
I know I would have left a couple of years ago if it were not for my fear for her daughter. If I could take the child with me, I would, but we never married, and I have no rights.
How can I leave a child in such an awful situation? I feel really torn.
Answer
Your presence in this little girl’s life has huge significance and will never be wasted, but it is true that she (and you) face heartbreak if you leave.
Your partner is in the depths of despair, and I assume that she has a medical team and is getting treatment. If this is not the case, you could go with her to her GP and start the process of recovery.
Your partner is in no position to negotiate either you leaving or how you might remain a part of her daughter’s life, and it would seem fair to both her and the little girl that you keep some kind of contact going until she is in a better position.
Dealing with a close partner’s depression is very difficult, and managing it alone is often too much to bear; a team of people is needed so that no one person becomes depleted. A partner, medical/clinical professional and another person (such as a relative or friend) can form a type of team that supports each member and allows respite from caring.
Your partner’s mother might be available to join with you to set up medical and psychological support, and between you there can always be someone to lean on. The daughter might see in this a model for coping with her mother’s condition in future, and also allow her to put her needs on the agenda as she sees that is what you are doing for yourself.
As your partner improves, you can begin to think about your future and how you wish to shape your life. If you feel that leaving the relationship is inevitable, then you might want to source some help in managing the process from an external source, one that offers best practice and has expertise in the care of children.
The Family Mediation Service is a free service provided by the Legal Aid Board and your local service can be found at citizensinformation.ie. This service can assist with separation (if both people are capable of agreeing to it) but it does not stop the grief and loss that ensues.
Clearly you love this little girl and want to do your best to support her through any abandonment she may be facing.
If it has to happen, it should be done slowly, honestly and with great care. A family therapist can assist all three of you with this process, and it will help all of you to come to terms with what is happening.
The therapist can also assist with any discussion of a future for you all as a family, if that is to be on the agenda.
It may be that you are so affected by your partner’s depression that you share some of what she is feeling: helplessness and hopelessness. This would not be unusual and so it might be prudent not to make any life decisions until some recovery is under way.
The relationship you have with the child is precious, and with care ways to support her appropriately can be sourced and nurtured.
For lists of accredited and registered couple and family therapists go to familytherapyireland.com
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
