Question
I’ve been living with my partner for over a year now and, while the relationship is very good in lots of ways, his clinginess is really getting to me.
He wants to do everything together and comes to all my meet-ups with my girlfriends. He even found it difficult that I go to the gym, and I have given that up as it is simply easier. I kind of understand as his mum left the family when he was about nine years old, and he struggles to trust that other people he loves won’t leave him.
However, I think I am close to doing that as this is driving me crazy – I feel trapped and smothered by him.
He is always buying me presents that are overblown and some of my friends are envious of his dedication, but they don’t know the other side of it.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
He is always saying that I don’t love him as much as he loves me, and he wants to plan a wedding and children, but this is making me want to run a mile. The good side of things is that he has a great sense of humour, he’s very generous and kind, and he is smart and good-looking. But his insecurity is growing all the time and the fact that we are together over a year has not helped.
I really think I want out, but am afraid of the effect on him – I really don’t want to hurt him further than he has been hurt already.
Answer
You sound unclear whether you want help to make this relationship worth having, or whether you want help to leave.
Your boyfriend has had a traumatic experience that makes his clinginess very understandable, but his effort to sort this out in his relationship with you will not work for either of you. The fact that you give up your single activities to ease his insecurities does not address the underlying issue: that his mother left. We, as a culture, assume that a mother’s love is unconditional and fundamental and when it is ruptured, we are left dangling without a tether, and we can feel unlovable in its aftermath.
You don’t say whether your partner has engaged in psychotherapy, but if your relationship is to survive he needs to access support to help him manage this trauma. He sounds very motivated by the relationship, he wants marriage and family, so this might be an opportunity for him to engage with what happened to him when he was younger. The danger is that with each romantic relationship he gains yet another experience of rejection and this confirms for him the idea that he is worthless. This is, of course, not true, but he needs to discover this for himself as you telling him will only bring temporary comfort.
Initially, it can feel very satisfying that the romantic partner sees you as the answer to all of life’s ills, and their desire for you knows no bounds, but this quickly turns to pressure. Over time a pattern can emerge where one partner seeks reassurance and the other gives in for the sake of peace, but later this pattern becomes toxic and difficult to break. This is where you share responsibility for what is going on – and at the very least, you can change your behaviour so that the pattern is disrupted. You being undecided might not help, so this is your first decision.
Your partner needs to know the truth of his situation and it will help if the boundaries are clear and solid.
Are you going to stay until he gets some therapy and allow some time for it to have an effect?
Are you going to leave now but support him as a friend?
Can you commit to join your partner in his therapeutic recovery journey?
Or are you about to end the relationship and go your separate ways?
You may need some place to discuss your options, so can you find a friend or relative who is fairly neutral (not invested) in the relationship so that you can hear yourself think out loud. Ask this person to not offer an opinion but to be curious about what they are hearing and to suggest that you speak again at another time. You too have a family history and traditions that may or may not be helpful, and it is good to bring these to the surface so that they can be factored into the discussion.
[ My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leaveOpens in new window ]
Your partner is very triggered by potential abandonment, so be respectful by being honest with where you are and do not do anything behind his back.
This includes letting him know that you are discussing things with your chosen person – but this is as an aid to your own confusion and he is not the only one who needs support.
