Question
I have been retired for four years now and thought that new relationships were behind me, but to my surprise I met someone through a mutual interest in painting.
We were on the same course together in Italy and, even though we live in different countries, the relationship seems to have blossomed. I was married before, but my partner died and, while I am still grieving, I have found a way to feel alive again. My children are all adults and have lives of their own, so there is very little stopping me from developing this relationship.
However, there is a surprising block.
We have discussed living together and picked his country as the place where we might live, and I have put my house up for sale and expect to have a sale agreed shortly. Now that this is a reality, he has told me of another relationship he has had in his life for a long time and that he is struggling who to choose. He is very distressed by this and has lost a lot of weight and seems to be having very serious stomach problems.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I know I should feel upset with him, but actually I’m really worried that the stress of this might kill him. I feel that I should make the decision for him and let him live with the other woman. I really care for him and can’t watch as he fades before my eyes. My own chance at another close relationship is one I am reluctant to let go of, and I think he knows how serious I am by the fact that I am selling my house.
But the cost of this is too high and I can’t contribute to another person’s demise.
Answer
It is almost a definition of love that you do what is best for the person you love, even if it causes you pain. However, in this situation, your paramour has a problem with decision-making, and he has not come to a life decision about the other woman (it seems they are not married) and it may not be what is best for him to make his decisions for him.
What you seem to be clear about, from your decisive action of selling your house, is that you want to live with him and give this relationship a chance to grow. The question is what is best for you and how can you allow time for this to develop. Clearly, you are very upset at your possible partner’s distress, and forcing a decision might not allow either of you to feel good about an outcome right now.
That you are selling demonstrates your commitment, but are you moving too fast? Would you have sold your house if moving to another country was not an option for you?
If you had more time, you might find that you, and your man, might investigate what his blocks are and find soothing ways to allow his confidence to grow. He may be stricken with fear that if he chooses one path, all others close. Or he might have had earlier life experiences where committing to a relationship was a disaster. All this takes time to unpick and, while he is in crisis, he will be so heightened or on alert that he cannot reflect or grow self-awareness.
Can you exercise patience and have some faith in him that, with the right conditions, he might be able to calm down enough to consider what wonderful choices life is offering him? This is not to say that you can wait forever. You clearly are open to another relationship, and, if it is not to be this one, another will be possible. You have had a huge loss following the death of your husband, and there is another potential loss facing you right now, but holding on tight out of fear of loss is no recipe for happiness.
Be honest with him, tell him that you see a future with him, but not if the cost to his health is too high. Offer him time to recover, but also be clear that there is a limit on this offer as you must put your own wellbeing high on your agenda. The difficulty is that you may need to halt the selling process or take the risk of renting for a while, and this is no small contribution to your possible future with him. When he is able, have conversations about what supports he needs to come to a decision, and at all times be cognisant that your own needs are as valid as his.
Talk to your friends, plan positive and life-affirming events for yourself and trust that your appetite for life will be rewarded.
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