Question
My lovely husband changed during Covid. He has an autoimmune condition and has struggled to find a drug regime that works. He is in constant pain.
However, his mechanism for managing entails pushing away everyone who loves him, including me. Our lovely life together has been replaced by distance, with a deliberate decision on his part to engage in new social activities with people who don’t know his medical condition. This is all fine, of course, except that I am one of the people he has pushed away.
We have to live in separate places because of work and, as a result, my much-loved husband is now more like my favourite uncle, with whom I chat every day. I feel I am in a never-ending limbo, and don’t quite know what to do. I don’t have any desire to be with someone else, but, equally, feel extremely sad at this ongoing situation.
This is definitely not the happy-ever-after we had envisaged.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Constant pain can have significant emotional effects that can range from depression and anxiety to irritability and feelings of hopelessness and shame. There is no doubt that, whatever mechanisms we practise, alleviating stress will come to the fore in a period of intense pain and it sounds as though avoidance is a tactic that has worked for your husband in the past.
His constant pain may challenge his sense of self and his ability to work or see himself as the breadwinner. All this can result in isolation, as he pulls away from being a burden on those he loves and thus creates huge barriers to his sources of support. Many people in constant pain report that isolation comes from a feeling that others, even friends and family, cannot understand the pain and that it is better to separate from this constant irritant.
On the other hand, those feeling the pain can feel over protected or “wrapped in cotton wool”, and this too is difficult for them and leads to a pulling away from close relationships. Your husband may be struggling with limits to his independence and trying to pretend that nothing has changed, but of course things have changed, and in a way that has ongoing uncertainty and fear linked into it. The fact that you must live apart is adding extra complication to your relationship, as it appears it may be feeding into your husband’s avoidance strategy. He may also be avoiding intimacy, as this means being wholly truthful about what is happening in his body, and he may find this upsetting. Pain can diminish libido, and the body may not respond when it is suffering so much, and of course normally pleasurable sexual activity becoming fraught with limitations is then not that desirable.
The starting point is listening until you really understand what is going on for your husband – this means being open to his grumpiness
However, we know that physical intimacy, even cuddling and holding hands, is good for our wellbeing. You love your husband and are hurt by his rejection of your place in his life, but the temptation to match his avoidance with distance is not the way to go. Communication is key but can be difficult and demanding.
The starting point is listening until you really understand what is going on for him – this means being open to his grumpiness, irritation, hopelessness and even anger. He may be raging that he has been singled out for this torture, and his distance may be a way of protecting you from this. If you are going to be able to cope with whatever comes, you will need a third person to confide in and be completely honest with, and you should agree with your husband who this person is, so that he does not feel betrayed.
[ Tell Me About It: There is no intimacy in my marriageOpens in new window ]
This is hard, for both of you, and yet if you do not try to address this, the current situation will only become more rigid. In any case, your husband will also face the problem of letting people know about his condition as soon as his new casual friends become closer and more intimate. It will also be good modelling for your husband to choose a friend with whom he can confide – this will take some of the pressure off the relationship and also provide him with a strong back-up. There is a huge amount to be gained from engaging with each other – understanding, tolerance of moods, belief in the existence of pain, leaning on each other, and, ultimately, a closeness that can feel strong and durable.
Communicating can lead to asking questions and allowing push-back regarding how much to help and how much to allow space – all of this adds to fostering a strong relationship that can be relied on in difficult times. If you find that you are struggling with improving communication, then engaging with a couple’s therapist for a number of sessions can be really helpful – having an objective person asking the difficult questions and holding up the vulnerabilities can be cathartic.
Now is the time to test the idea that love is the strongest force that the world possesses – lean into it and keep engaging with your loved one.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
