Question
I’m a high-functioning autistic man in my late 30s, married with two young children. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the state of my personal life and would like support working through a number of challenges – emotional, relational and situational.
Throughout my life I’ve struggled to read social and romantic cues, particularly in relationships. Though I’m often told I’m attractive, I tend to miss or misinterpret signals of interest, only recognising them long after the fact – or mistakenly assuming mutual interest and experiencing rejection. These issues have carried over into my marriage, and I now find myself reflecting deeply on our compatibility.
My wife and I are both introverted and likely neurodivergent, which initially made our relationship feel safe. But parenting two extroverted, energetic children and managing stressful jobs have taken a toll. The last two years have been especially difficult – a serious car accident involving my wife and our toddler, job losses for both of us, the onset of a health issue for me and, eventually, financial strain that forced us to move in with extended family.
During this time I’ve also grappled with feelings of connection to a former colleague, with whom I’ve shared a strong bond rooted in mutual interests that I thought I shared but I don’t share with my wife. Although I tried to end the friendship to protect my marriage, I found myself missing the connection deeply and re-engaged it successfully. Eventually, I tried to express more-than-friendly interest during a moment of personal vulnerability. She declined and I reacted poorly by cutting ties. I’ve since learned she had feelings for me but is no longer in contact. I miss the friendship and carry guilt and confusion about how I handle this.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
My marriage remains fragile. We lack meaningful communication and my wife is now focused on spending money on cosmetic procedures, long-haul travel and giving the kids screentime on her phone and buying them clothes and toys they don’t need and feeding them crap rather than on practical needs, like housing or insurance or raising the kids properly.
I fear the relationship may not be salvageable and I don’t know how to address all of the issues with myself and with her in a productive manner, but I’m also deeply concerned about the effect a separation would have on our children. To further compound things, we are still struggling with our careers.
I’m seeking your help to understand and manage my emotional needs more clearly. And to process grief, guilt and confusion around this lost friendship. I also need to explore whether my marriage can be repaired or if it’s time to move on. I need to learn to navigate parenting and partnership as an autistic adult in a high-stress environment.
Answer
Your emotional needs are manifold and this is due to circumstances of loss of jobs, health issues, the crisis of a car accident and the grief relating to loss of friendship.
While your self awareness around your neurodiversity helps you to exercise some self-compassion, any human being in such a situation requires support, comfort and guidance. Your sense of being overwhelmed seems to lead you to a position of criticism (of your wife) and to a feeling of hopelessness and despair that needs urgent attention.
A counsellor or psychotherapist can offer you immediate relief and support. You can choose one that has skills in neurodivergency on the websites of associations of accredited therapists – see the Irish Council for Psychotherapy (ICP), the Psychological Society of Ireland (PSI) or the Irish Association for Psychotherapy and Counselling (IACP).
As your relationship with your wife is central to your unhappiness, you might consider a couples counsellor to help you both navigate your relationship and future. This will benefit your children and help you both address your stress responses, such as criticism and excessive shopping, which are both common emotional responses to overwhelming situations.
You say you know that your friend had feelings for you but that you found out after you had ended the relationship, and I wonder if this was from direct contact. It is easy to project all our hopes and aspirations on to someone, but the reality is she declined your advances. What is clear is that you want and need deep connection and intimacy and this is worthy of pursuing as you know it is essential to your happiness.
Engaging with your wife is a crucial first step and this means finding out how she is and what her concerns are about the marriage and her life. Be interested, curious and kind in these investigations and have some understanding that it takes time to come to a place of clarity and it will take many conversations and reflections before any pathway becomes clear. Improvement in any aspect of your life will offer hope and relief in other parts – so perhaps both of you could attend a parenting course; it can only improve your conversations and skills. No parent arrives with the full set of skills and being open to learning is a great way to start.
Seeing a therapist who specialises in neurodiversity will offer immediate relief and guidance and, as your stress recedes, you will find your capacity for self-reflection and decision-making improves. Checking out your local Citizen’s Information should point to services in your area and this action will begin your pathway to tackling the issues in your life (everything from sources of support to mediation), and help you to prioritise your own wellbeing as well as those close to you.
See Asiam.ie for support, guidance and referral sources for neurodiverse people.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
