Question
Our issue is a fundamental difference on spirituality, and I never thought that this would be an issue for me, but it turns out that it is. I met my partner two years ago and fell headlong in love and we are now planning to get married, but it has brought up a lot of unexpected issues.
She is generous, kind, thoughtful and funny – essentially everything I ever looked for in another person (not to mention beautiful), but since deciding that we are going to spend our lives together, we’ve hit roadblocks. She comes from a very strong Christian tradition, and she believes fully in it, while I come from a long line of lapsed Catholics and am an atheist.
I like her moral compass and the philosophy with which she views the world and her purpose in it, but I cannot believe in what she believes. The crux has come in the form of the wedding and the discussion of raising children (which we both want). Her family, not necessarily her, want a full religious ceremony and the idea of a non-religious ritual is a big issue for them. My family are more flexible and would be happy with whatever we decide.
The divide on schooling and children is now like a chasm and we have stopped having any real conversation about it as we try to negotiate the wedding. I find I am confused and more than a bit worried about the prominent role her religious beliefs play in her life, and on the effect all of this will have on me and my future children.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
The basis for a good relationship between you and your partner is there, but spirituality is a core aspect of our lives and therefore it is a serious issue for your future. There is a need for both of you to fully understand each other’s position and for this to really work, you may need to seek help from those who have knowledge of both your outlooks. Perhaps there is a representative of her Christian tradition who might be willing to help you tease out the issues, and likewise, you may have access to books, courses or philosophies that might help you express your position more succinctly.
However, it seems that trying to please families is a bit of a block in that you feel pressured to make decisions about your wedding that one of you might find to be problematic, so perhaps it is best to start here. Your wedding is where you commit to each other in front of your communities and this commitment is something you both want to stand over for the rest of your lives. What can you both commit to that is authentic and powerful and how can you shape a ceremony that is inclusive of both your positions?
If you can agree on this, then your families can support you in living out your commitments and you can engage with a celebrant to assist you with this. What seems clear at the moment is that your conversations about the meaning of life have been stifled by expectations and this is creating anxiety and fear in you. That both of you are interested in spirituality and meaning should be a source of interesting conversations and investigations for many years to come, but the current pressure is turning this exciting prospect into a potential rift or break.
You say that what you admire in your future partner is fundamental and deep, and this may be how her values are expressed in behaviour and action. If you admire these things, then they are also values that are important to you, so there is a basis for supporting each other in your approaches to life and death. Being able to tolerate difference is an essential component in a lifelong relationship; and openness and curiosity are the characteristics that support wisdom. Your families will take their lead from you and if you propose inclusivity and tolerance at the core of your life together, and if the ceremony can reflect that, then your path will be set to reflect your values.
As for the question of children and what faith or philosophy you would like to raise them, there may not be enough time or calmness to come to a definitive answer before the wedding, so you might agree that this will be given all the time it needs to be fully explored over the next year or so. As this may be a topic that parents want to get involved in, you and your partner may need to have a joint statement so that it holds firm while the pressures of the wedding are being felt.
As a couple, you will both have a huge influence on each other: use it for growing what is already great about the relationship and know that you have your life to reach its potential.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
