Question
I am worried about what my 17-year-old son is viewing online. I came across his YouTube history on the family TV and he seems to be following some racist and misogynistic accounts.
I was a little bit shocked but not totally surprised as he recently made a few negative comments blaming women and feminism. I did challenge him about it as his mum, and he just rolled his eyes and closed down. I have also been worried about his wellbeing – he seems to be more isolated in school and has fewer friends.
He had a girlfriend over the summer in scouts, but then something happened and it ended badly. He was clearly upset and would not talk about it but it resulted in him dropping out. His main interest now is soccer and going to the gym, which I support as he is really motivated about being fit and it gives him something to do at the weekends. A lot of his YouTube content was also about sport and weight training.
I am wondering should I discuss his other YouTube content or just ignore it. I am a single mum and his dad is not involved. I wonder whether I should also ask my brother (who my son is fond of) to say something.
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Answer
As a parent you are right to take an interest in your teenager’s online world. Teenage boys are particularly targeted in social media by right-wing, racist and misogynistic accounts. Often the messaging is subtly mixed in with personal health and fitness information but quickly leads to a darker place, blaming certain target groups for the teen’s problems.
Boys who are isolated or who feel less connected to real-world groups or communities can be particularly vulnerable to such messaging. As are teenagers who have been hurt in real-world romantic relationships. Your son’s upset and sense of rejection at the loss of his first romantic relationship could easily be channelled into resentment or anger at “all women”.
Engage in genuine dialogue
As a parent, the best way to counteract negative online messaging is to engage in genuine conversations about the issues with your son. However, it is important to do this in a sensitive way. If you just dismiss or criticise his views, this could just shut down the dialogue between the two of you.
Instead it is important to be curious and open when you raise issues. For example, you might say, “I am interested in some of the YouTube accounts you were watching. What are they about? Take time to listen and draw him out. You may even make a decision to watch one or two together so you can debate the issues as you watch. Ask him for his thoughts and feelings before you share your own.
Help your son express vulnerable feelings
Many of the reasons people judge and scapegoat is because they are unable to acknowledge and express their own vulnerable feelings. Rather than saying they are lonely or sad, or that they have been hurt, they might find it easier to be angry or resentful or to blame other people. As you talk to your son, listen for his vulnerable feelings and acknowledge these. At some point he might be able to tell you about his isolation in school and what is going on for him.
As you suspect, I imagine the painful break-up he experienced is behind a lot of his feelings. He might have experienced rejection or humiliation that he has not expressed. While he may not immediately express these, you can make the decision to be present to listen when he does. At the right time, you might provide gentle invitations, such as “Last summer must have been a hard time for you. I imagine you must have been upset.”
Use questions to challenge views
Rather than directly challenge, it can be useful to use questions to help your son think though different perspectives:
- “I know boys can have it hard too in school, but do you think it fair to blame girls or feminism for this?”
- “We do need to understand what boys need and to look after them in school, just like our girls. Equality is the best thing to aim for – what do you think?”
- It is also useful to help him question the source of his information. “Have you checked who funds this website and what their worldview is?” ; “Do you know these videos are created by parties promoting Islamophobia?”
You can also guide him to more reputable sources of fair and balanced information and even watch these together (or share links to each other on social media). The goal is to foster continuing dialogue with your son.
Involving other people
You ask in your question whether to ask your brother to become involved. While I think it is very important that you as his parent start this important conversation with him, it could of course be helpful to have other people such as your brother talk to your son as well. Encouraging your son to connect with a few supportive adults and role models will be helpful to him. Your brother may not have to raise the issues directly and could instead commit to meeting him regularly, taking him weekly to his football or to another outing. This creates the space for another supportive connection.
Explore also other supportive groups that your son might belong to. It is great that soccer and gym is important in his life. Could there be others? I know he dropped out of scouts but could that connection be reopened in the future (especially if it was important to him)? You want to find ways to reduce your son’s isolation and to increase his sense of connection with others and his belonging to groups in the real world.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. His Parenting Teenagers online course is starting on October 8th. See solutiontalk.ie
