“Jennifer is far too talkative in class.” If one sentence could sum up my school days that’s probably it. Is it a fair assessment of what was happening in class? Yes, probably. But was it a bad thing?
In spite of being sold as such, I’m not convinced that it was.
Perhaps in the setting, yes. In the olden days it was acceptable to chuck a blackboard duster across a room at a young child who was chatting excitedly with her friends in spite of being told to stop. And this, of course, was highly disruptive for the class, because then the teacher had to go to try to find where the hard wooden backed duster had landed, after the small child ducked.
But we weren’t soft in the ’80s. We wouldn’t even dream of mentioning things such as this to our parents. And risk getting killed for talking in class, like?
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We knew what was acceptable. And talking in class wasn’t it.
I have spent as much of my life being a parent as not being a parent, and it’s a strange place to be – especially when I find myself with children still in primary school, secondary school and college. It feels as if I’ve been doing this forever, with forever still to go. It’s that last bit that keeps me sane.
Because, in spite of the drain on my resources, sanity and sleep, I quite like having all these kids. And not just for content. There’s also the fact I always have someone to talk to (please see above).
Parenting should not be a complete endurance test. Do something for you. It’s not self-indulgent. It’s key to being a better parent
Sometimes I find myself wondering, as we probably all used to when our babies were little, what I did with my time before I had children. Now I feel justified in not being able to remember. I mean, it’s half my life.
And, during the other half, I was dodging flying blackboard dusters.
So with that in mind I’m sharing some wisdom learned from a half a life (and counting) spent parenting.
- I read recently that it takes between three and five positive comments to counteract a negative one. I wondered whether this was why I grew up thinking I had a tendency to talk too much. No one ever said, “Jen talks just the correct amount” – until The Irish Times gave me a podcast. And while no editor has explicitly said it, I feel this has basically implied it. Or maybe I wore them down with all my talking. Who can really tell. But the great news is Conversations with Parents is back with a brand new season starting on September 30th, because people love to have the chats. And it’s through having the chats that we learn the most about others. People are fascinating, and funny, and wise, and ultimately rarely just the person you think they are. It’s good to talk. To everyone.
- Learn from others. A bit of a follow-on from point one, but ask the questions. Parenting is hard and unpredictable. Children and teenagers can be unco-operative with your life vision. If there’s something you’re finding challenging, ask someone who has either been through that stage of parenting or is dealing with similar issues. There’s nothing worse than unsolicited parenting advice, which makes many people slow to offer unless they’re asked. Most people are generous and only too happy to help and share their wisdom. You will never be the first person having to deal with any situation.
- None of us has parenting sussed. Some of us just know the best angles and corners of the room to use on the ’gram.
- No one cares as much about your child as you do. Never apologise for fighting their cause, asking “silly” questions, or be dissuaded from following up on things you’re genuinely concerned about. You are not a nuisance. You are their parent.
- And on that note, your child doesn’t need a best friend, they need a parent. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to have the best relationship you can with your child (which is no mean feat during certain years!) But these are very different roles with very different responsibilities.
- You can’t pour from an empty cup. Parenting should not be a complete endurance test. Do something for you. It’s not self-indulgent. It’s key to being a better parent. Go for a walk, read a book, listen to a brilliant podcast (I can recommend one), meet with friends, sport – whatever it is that helps you recharge, even for a short while, on a regular basis. Don’t get sucked into believing basic self-care such as showering is adequate me-time!
And don’t forget to follow Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts, so you never miss an episode. You can get in touch with your thoughts, suggestions or questions at parentspod@irishtimes.com
