Question
My 14-year-old son is going through a difficult time and he is on a waiting list for an ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) assessment, which the school recommended.
He used to play Gaelic football and seemed to love this a year ago. Now he wants to give up. His dad is forcing him to keep going and, the more he insists, the more my son resists. This is leading to big rows at home. My son mainly wants to play video games or hang out with this new group of friends, none of whom are in the GAA.
His dad, who is a GAA coach, wants him to keep up a sport as he is struggling in school. He also doesn’t want him to lose contact with the boys on the GAA team, some of whom were good friends.
Do you have any advice to help us?
‘My 14-year-old wants to drop out of sports, but his dad is a GAA coach’
Parents of children with Down syndrome: ‘It teaches you to be a better person’
My son is clearing out his childhood things – but these items he knew I’d want to keep
Back to school costs: Handy tips you can use to ease the financial burden
Answer
On average, 14 is the most challenging year for teenagers, and also for their parents. This is a time when teens are trying to work out who they are and what they like – conflict with parents is often at its highest, when communication can be at its lowest. School becomes much more pressured during this year and if your son has ADHD this is likely to make things more difficult for him.
At 14, it is normal for teens to seek new interests and to question activities they have been involved in for years. Even though his dad is passionate about the GAA this does not mean that his son will be.
One key feature of ADHD is a difficulty attending to subjects that don’t hook your interest, whether these are subjects in school or extracurricular activities. A lot of ADHD children also change interests quickly – they become passionate about one for a period and then can change and move on to something else.
ADHD children often get lots of negative messages about who they are – why can’t you just do what you are told? why can’t you just try harder? – which make them think something is wrong with them and damages their self esteem. Instead, it is important to be much more compassionate and to provide a learning environment that suits their needs and many strengths.
I appreciate his dad has very good intentions, when he insists his son stay in GAA, but the most important thing he can do during this challenging time is to preserve his relationship with his son and keep good communication warm and open. If it has got to a point of big rows about going to GAA, this is counterproductive. These rows are unlikely to restore his son’s interest in attending but are likely to erode their relationship and push his son further away when he needs his dad’s love and support the most.
As a result, I would suggest his dad takes a pause in the rows and takes time to listen and understand. Give your son the message that though his dad would like him to attend, it is up to him to decide (he also has the option to take a break and go back later).
Encourage your son to talk about his feelings – what makes him reluctant to attend? Are their parts he likes and parts he does not? For example, you could discover that he likes the discipline of the training but does not like the competitive matches or vice a versa. Or he likes the friendships and social aspect of the GAA but not the competition etc. Perhaps you could help him keep the friendships going whether he attends or not.
In addition, I would suggest you take time get to know the passions he currently does have. This might mean getting to know his new friendship group and supporting these connections. For example, you might encourage them over to the house for a pizza or facilitate them going out to a movie or a bowling evening. This way you get a sense of how these relationships work in his world and this could deepen your own connection with him.
You say in your question that all he wants to do is play video games. While understandably most parents are reluctant to encourage screen-based passions (and indeed they are the number one source of conflict in families), I think a more nuanced approach is important. Some screen-based passions can have a positive role in teenagers’ lives and adopting a blanket critical stance about them can be another withdrawal from your relationship with them.
[ ‘My 15-year-old son hates going to school and is not doing any homework’Opens in new window ]
So instead I would suggest you get to know a bit more about your son’s video games, what he likes about them and the role they have in his life. You could ask him to explain his favourite games and even join him in playing them – who knows, they might even become a shared hobby and source of connection between the two of you. Once you understand his video games, then you are in a position to explore safety, screen addiction and the importance of having other physically active interests as well.
Finally, even if your son does not continue his attendance at the GAA, use this as an opportunity to explore other passions he could be interested in – what would he like to do instead? Are there some within the school he might be interested in or some outside that you can support him to access? The ideal is to find a range of interests that match his passions, make him feel good about himself and which may even be a source of connection and shared hobby with his parents.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He will be delivering a courses on parenting ADHD and autistic children in autumn, 2025. See solutiontalk.ie
