Ruth* made the choice to be a solo parent when she was in her early 40s. She worked in a well-paid senior corporate role and, although she hadn’t found a life partner yet, she’d always known she wanted to be a mother.
The decision to become a parent on her own, through IVF, didn’t come as a bolt from the blue. She had spent years thinking about it, saving for it and researching her options before deciding this was the path for her.
She waited to tell her employer the news when the IVF was successful. “If you’re with someone, you don’t tell your boss you’re trying for a baby, so I only told them when I was pregnant. There was lots of having to explain it and a curiosity about the donor, questions like, ‘How did you pick him out?’.”
Romance can come at any age, but becoming a parent has a time limit. Women are giving birth later in life for a variety of reasons and having fewer children.
RM Block
Births to women in Ireland aged over 40 have increased by 21.5 per cent in the last decade, Central Statistics Office figures show. The average age of Irish first-time mothers is now 31.7 years old.
Having a child on your own through IVF is a different experience, Ruth says, and this needs to be recognised by employers.
Couples going through IVF have the same supports available to them at work as solo parents, but the tone towards solo parents about their parenthood journey is different, Ruth says. She says she hears the word solo being used and overused a great deal.
For employers, the challenge is to adapt to the wider range of family types now in the workplace. That can vary hugely from being part of a couple, being single parents, widowed or divorced to having partners who live abroad or have an illness or don’t drive. Some are parents by choice, others not by choice, Ruth says.
Infertility and work
As women and men age, it can be harder to have children. One in six adults experiences infertility, which is defined as a failure to conceive after at least 12 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse, the World Health Organisation says.
Advances in medical technology allow people with infertility issues, who have the desire and the financial means, to try to become parents through IVF.
Despite the numbers affected, the workplace remains one of the biggest challenges for people when they are undergoing fertility treatment – with their partners or on their own, says National Infertility Support and Information Group spokeswoman Caitríona Fitzpatrick.
How have workplaces responded to the evolving demographic reality?
Almost all respondents (98 per cent) to a survey by Sims IVF fertility clinic of people who had undergone IVF agreed that the treatment had an impact on their emotional wellbeing at work, while 83 per cent said it affected their ability to fulfil their work responsibilities.
About 80 per cent said their workplace did not have a fertility policy.
“IVF fertility is a very challenging experience for anyone. It’s a lot to take on and they have no guarantees at the end that it is going to work,” Fitzpatrick says.
“It’s a difficult one for employers as there’s no statutory advice. Guidance is really needed for employers.
“Unfortunately at the moment, things are happening more informally. When someone goes on a fertility journey, they identify gaps and then they have to talk about something really personal to help employers put things in place that might help the next person.”
This is even harder when you’re taking the journey on your own.
“When anyone decides to do it through donors and to solo parent, it’s no less challenging. There’s the medication, the uncertainty and then they’re on their own when it comes to appointments, finances. All the needs are organised by themselves. Choosing the donor conception route doesn’t make it any less challenging.”
IVF is a trend that is not going away any time soon and employers should start making specific provisions for couples and for those who are hoping to have a child on their own through IVF.
Earlier this year, wellbeing professional Kerry White spoke at TEDx in Tralee, Co Kerry, about her solo parenting IVF experience at the age of 49 in a talk called The Road Less Travelled to Motherhood.
IVF doesn’t always work, she says, and many couples and solo parents may try multiple times with no guarantee of success. Empathy and emotional understanding are needed.
“People are so surprised about what’s involved. Flexibility and privacy are needed for phone calls and appointments. There needs to be a private space, a fridge for the medication and a room [in which to inject it],” White says.
Employers, she says, need to take steps to create openness and awareness. “Colleagues want to be helpful. Some people ask, ‘Are you okay? Want to go and have a coffee?’ It’s better to ask than just to ignore it,” she says.
Baby makes two
The challenges don’t stop once the child is born. Ruth shares the same issues as many single and widowed parents who work full-time, particularly around planning and respecting people’s time and commitments outside of work.
“Who can pick the child up from creche when it’s outside normal babysitting hours? Employers need to give adequate notice of things. Short notice can be very hard to accommodate. If you complain, then you’re othering yourself. There’s complete panic behind the scenes. Employers generally know these dates well in advance; why are they only giving notice two weeks beforehand?” Ruth says.
“If things are going to happen outside normal work hours, try to plan and inform everyone well in advance. Core working hours are also helpful. Perhaps meetings only happen between 10am and 12pm and 2pm and 4pm. And keep any meetings to the length of time agreed.
“[Work] travel also needs to be planned well in advance. When kids are small, you might choose to travel with your kid, especially if you’re breastfeeding. What recognition is there of this need?”
Benefits to employers
It’s not a one-way street either as employers benefit greatly from the loyalty, dedication and gratitude of those who have gone through IVF with the support of their company and colleagues. Life happens at work and IVF is another challenge in the workforce like illness, divorce and bereavement.
“When you go through something like this, you’ll have more loyalty and work harder for an employer who has supported you. You’ll also work to make sure good policies are in place for others,” Ruth says.
She sees the solo parenting trend among many woman executives in her age group. “People who are choosing this are more advanced and senior in their careers. They’re more invested in their careers and they have the money to do IVF.”
White says: “It makes no sense for companies to ignore a vital part of their workforce’s life experience that can impact on productivity and wellbeing. The worst thing is suffering in silence. Let’s normalise it, it’s just a fact of life.”
*Name has been changed
Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie
