You’re having a baby? Congratulations! It is a special time with a great many joys – first breath, first smile, first walk – and challenges like sleep, feeding and managing the never-ending laundry.

Until recently, the skills for coping with this new world were informally passed down from mothers, aunts, grandmothers and kindly neighbours. Advice on everything from burping techniques and teething relief to the mystical art of “sleeping when the baby sleeps” was offered up generously, whether asked for or not.

These networks kept us sane, made sure we didn’t feel alone and acted as a sounding board when things were going wrong.

Decades ago, mothers could generally afford to stay at home to care for their children if they chose to, and they didn’t have to worry too much about returning to work. That was the higher-income parent’s job, typically the father.

In our two-income-needed-to-afford-a-home country, things have become a little more complicated. Many people who would have been in our informal parenting networks are still working themselves, or they’re older and require our care now as well. Or they don’t live close by.

As mothers, we’re more isolated and less supported in this important transition. We worry. So, we talk to our partners, our hairdressers, our friends, the public health nurse and our therapists if we can afford one.

We rarely, if ever, talk about these stresses at work unless it’s to fellow parents or if we’re asked by a colleague.

The pregnancy shocker

In 2004, when I announced I was pregnant with our first child, my employers were shocked. Nobody in senior management at that organisation had ever been pregnant. You see, they were mainly men with wives at home full-time and the two other women had chosen not to have children yet, or at all.

My joy had turned into their headache. It was an anxious and lonely time.

One colleague told me, “once you have that baby in your arms, you won’t want to come back to work”. Nobody asked me what I wanted; it was just assumed that after working my socks off for 15 years, I’d give up my career to stay at home full-time.

Of course, I wanted time with my beautiful child but a discussion about my leave and flexible work options would have been helpful too.

There was no maternity leave bar that provided by the State, so I simply handed over my work to colleagues and returned five months later. It was like nothing had happened.

Mentioning that I had a child or having pictures of her on my desk was frowned upon. Before the big bosses’ annual jolly to the Dublin office, I was told to remove the photograph. Somehow, I had let the side down.

More than 20 years later, it seems that many companies are still awkward about what to do before or after a staff member gives birth. Workplace support company, Platform55, reported that 62 per cent of managers don’t feel equipped to manage parenting conversations at work.

That support gap might be leading to poor retention levels.

Central Statistics Office figures from 2020 show that within 12 months of returning from maternity leave, a third of women in Ireland have changed jobs or left the workforce entirely. That’s 33 per cent versus the average employee churn of between 8-12 per cent.

If we truly want, and need, women in the workforce and at the top table, then we urgently need to support them at this critical phase in their lives and careers.

Structured support

The cost of replacing a worker is much higher (twice their salary) than retaining them. Employers who value all their employees, regardless of parental status, should consider structured maternity and paternity leave or coaching, working parents’ networks and flexible working options.

Large companies have more resources for employee support, but smaller organisations can also use conversation checklists and clear processes to ensure parents feel well supported.

Maternity leave coaching supports women navigating the changes associated with becoming a mother and returning to work after maternity leave. It focuses on the unique emotional, practical, logistical and identity changes that women face during this transition period, helps them plan for leave and successful reintegration into their careers.

This support has been in Ireland for about 15 years and it helps with retention, confidence and smoother returns, so it is both a people and performance investment, says Donna Hogan of Birch Coaching. Law, accountancy, consultancy and finance firms seem to have embraced this option the most so far.

Hogan is also seeing increasing interest from smaller businesses that have scaled up quickly. “They have little experience supporting new parents and recognise the need for 1:1 support and they want to maximise the likelihood of a successful and fast ramp-back.”

More fathers are leaning into parental coaching, too. “These conversations are focused on the stigma around taking paternity leave, along with questions of timing, how to detach fully and bigger questions on identity and values when it comes to promotions and travel.”

Hogan says parental coaching benefits employers on an organisational, managerial and employee development level.

The existence of strong maternity leave structures helps attract and retain talent, while building the organisation’s female leadership pipeline. Managers benefit by learning coaching techniques that complement their role and this leads to clearer communication, smoother handovers, structured return to work plans, practical and emotional support, and less burnout.

“Confidence is the product of clarity and communication. If we can empower women to be clear on their own needs, priorities, goals and ambitions – and to understand what their organisation needs and expects – they can feel more in control and better prepared.

And if it’s communicated clearly between employee and manager and other people in the team, they’ll feel more confident in returning to work.”

Working parents’ networks

Most parents feel the pressure even if they don’t talk about it. To address this, some companies have started employee support networks for working parents. This helps open up conversations, develop deeper relationships with colleagues and removes potential stigma.

These groups should also include colleagues who aren’t parents but might be considering it in the future and are wondering how they can make it work.

Parenthood conversations at work should be open to those who can sometimes feel excluded from the discussion: fathers, parents of adopted or older children, LGBTQIA+ parents and even those who have lost a child.

If you’re thinking of setting up a network, invite all parents (current and future) to join the meetings and make sure you talk honestly about the struggles of work and career. Information is power and conversations about what life is like at your company for caregivers might lead to a more supportive culture and policies.

You might even find someone whose kids are a few years older than yours who can offer you invaluable advice. Longer term, your group might set up an informal mentoring programme for parents who are thinking about their next career move or transition.

Overall, parents say hybrid and flexible work is one of the most important wellbeing supports offered by employers. Recent Hays Ireland research found that 85 per cent of those surveyed say it has positively affected their wellbeing. Structured support, openness and flexibility are the recipe for making working parenthood work.

• Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie