Slashdot, the self-described "news for nerds" discussion site, is usually worth the occasional visit even if you aren't a programmer, obsessive about the operating system Linux or about freely-available, so called "open source" software.

The site, www.slashdot.org, attracts a set of fine, unfettered minds and a high volume of intelligent, irreverent and often highly amusing postings on a formidable range of topics. Slashdot also attracts more than its share of programming extremists, misanthropists more in love with their machinery than the human race, and paranoid conspiracy theorists (usually ranting about the company they believe to be Evil Incarnate, Microsoft). But that's exactly what makes the site one of the best going, if you are a tech fan. It's great for programmer-watching, and they can be a pretty interesting species.

This week Slashdot has been having a grand old time with the ongoing dispute in the United States over the awarding of patents to "processes", as opposed to concrete inventions. The Slashdot contingent tends to be those who would look dubiously on Amazon.com's successful patenting of its One-Click buying process, for example.

In response, one slashdotonian has suggested a Slashdot contest to come up with the most ridiculous patent proposal for a process. Submissions are being judged on the basis of "originality, believability, and humour", and the winners will be announced today on the site.

Proposals were to be written in patent-ese or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Given the time delay between the United States and the Republic, you could probably make your own proposal if you want to have a go, but you'll need to register with the site to do so.

Below are some of the better suggestions to date:

"A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end-user to eat such foods while being able to carry out tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.";

"Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual inter course.";

"1) A mixture of compounds and elements including Oxygen in gaseous form; 2) A compound consisting of two parts hydrogen and one part Oxygen in liquid form; 3) A combination of compounds and elements in solid form in sufficient quantity to form a planet that is roughly 24,000 miles in diameter, which is 70 per cent covered by the liquid in claim (2) above, and completely surrounded by the gases in claim (1) above.";

"A method of making a human commit complex rotational motions at the `knees' and `hips' to promote the alternate, forward or backward-moving actions of the `feet', whereby the human can update their position in an arbitrary real-world environment.";

"Device for extraction and removal of undesirable waste by-products from nasal chambers without the use of manual dexterity on the part of the operator.";

"This is a process wherein data might be collected from users of a website by having them fill out an electronic `form'. It includes a means to ensure the form is filled out correctly, a means to `tag' the browser of the user so he/she may be tracked later, a means to store user data for quick and convenient access by administrators, a means to cross-reference user interests from the form data with website activity, and a means to ensure data is current by verifying users' e-mail addresses through periodic e-mails sent to users' mailboxes."

Several writers suggested patenting the process of applying for a patent, or patenting the concept of a patent itself. To wit: "I'm patenting the process of patenting the patent. I call it a `meta patent'. I'm also metapatenting the metapatent, and so on."

Much-revered satirical fake news site The Onion had a go at the same topic some time ago, publishing a story claiming that Microsoft had patented the concept of zeros and ones (the digits used to represent all information to a computer). According to the piece, www.theonion.com/ onion3311/ microsoftpatents. html, Microsoft's Bill Gates had announced that patenting the digits was "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors".

Said the article: "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Mr Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

And just to show that life imitates Onion, a site exists which collects and displays strange but real patent proposals. The Gallery of Obscure Patents, www.del phion.com/gallery, has some wonderful invention proposals like the motorised ice cream cone and a proposal for the process of exercising a cat.

Actually, the site is part of www.delphion.com, which is the new home to the intellectual property database housed online for many years by IBM. The database is searchable in numerous ways and is guaranteed to provide hours of entertainment . . . or at least the correct language in which to send in your own patent proposal to Slashdot.

Karlin Lillington is at klillington@irish-times.ie