Chelsea manager Abramovich baffles assistant Ancelotti with his team selection

TWITTERER-IN-CHIEF Rio Ferdinand guaranteed Sky Sports that it would be a “mahooosive” game, which sounded quite like a good thing, but only after checking our Down with the Kids Dictionary of Unfathomable Lingo were we sure.

Alas, Ray Wilkins was stuck in a mahooosive tailback on the M6 and was in danger of missing the latest Battle of Britain, Jeff Stelling regretfully informing us we’d have to make do with a midfield partnership of Graeme Souness and Jamie Redknapp.

Over on TV3 there was no midfield at all, Martin Keown looking after defensive duties and Tony Cascarino the lone man up front in a kind of an all-or-nothing, revolutionary 1-0-1 formation, managed by Matt Cooper.

While tactically at odds, the bulk of the two panels were in agreement on one issue, both at a loss to understand why Chelsea manager Roman Abramovich had left Didier Drogba out of his team, wondering if his assistant, Carlo Ancelotti, hadn’t raised an objection to the preference for Fernando Torres. You know, the Spanish lad who’s now officially rubbish.

This reminded us a little bit of Jon Snow’s introduction to a piece on Rory McIlroy on Monday’s Channel 4 News: “So near and yet so far, almost a champion, McIlroy turned out to be a failure.”

You know, tea makes a right mess of your telly screen when you chuck a cup-load at it.

But that’s the way, all or nothing, you’re a winner or a loser, as Mr Abramovich was no doubt telling Carlo in the dressingroom last night.

Unfortunately, Ray missed most of the Drogba v Torres chat, but, mercifully, made it in one piece to Old Trafford, adding a little much-needed je ne sais quoi to Sky’s midfield.

He took time to thank “Jim the Driver” who had heroically gotten him to the church on time, but, while looking out at a half empty stadium he fretted over the fate of the fans still stuck on the M6.

“And that would include thousands of United fans because a lot of them aren’t from Manchester,” he said, not intentionally provocatively – because Ray is too nice to do provocation – but enough to annoy our friends in the Mid-West Dublin United Supporters’ Association.

Ray then proclaimed himself to be “baffled” by the absence of Drogba from the Chelsea starting line-up, and neither Graeme nor Jamie had the heart to tell him the subject had already been covered while he was stranded on the M6.

Back on TV3 Tony was still insisting Drogba could have a big impact on the game. “If Chelsea are getting beaten he’ll come on and get sent off,” he forecast.

First half and Chelsea started mahooosively well, that little Ramires fella running rings around United and, at one point, appearing to travel through Rio’s legs. It was then that Rio starting limping, prompting Kevin Moran to heave the heaviest of sighs in the TV3 commentary box.

Those of you too young to remember should know that Kev often played in the United defence while his left leg was still on the treatment table back in the dressingroom, he was what you’d call 110 per cent committed.

Rio’s woes, though, had no great impact on the first half, Javier Hernandez scoring twice for United. The ref only allowed one, mind.

“His boots were onside, but his head was offside,” as Matt explained at half-time, but Tony wasn’t entirely convinced, even if his head had been offside for a fair chunk of his playing career.

Second half and Drogba was on and Torres off. Roman Abramovich looked a bit tempted to join in on the Old Trafford chorus of ‘what a waste of money’. Merciless, these people.

On we drifted towards a comfy enough United victory, Chelsea a man down, when Drogba went and did his thing.

“Game on,” Kev almost wept.

Then. Ji-Sung Park. 2-1.

“They must be sick, Chelsea,” Kev almost sang, the fella trying hard to sound completely gutted for the London lads, but failing a touch miserably.

Home and hosed. “United’ll beat Schalke, I’m sure of that,” said Tony, adding to the ever increasing telly punditry respect for the Germans, possibly prompting the entire audience to put a fiver on them. “And I think they can beat Barcelona in the final,” said Martin.

“Helloooooooooo,” said Jose in front of his telly. “Oi,” said ’Arry in front of his.

A mahooosive win for United, though, and an even mahooosiver defeat for Chelsea. “So near and yet so far, almost a champion, Carlo turned out to be a failure,” Roman might just say in Stamford Bridge’s next press release.