What you think about the original Happy Gilmore doesn’t matter. What matters is that among pro golfers, it’s Citizen Kane, Pulp Fiction and Old School all rolled into one. Which means all the best players in the world fell over themselves to be in Happy Gilmore 2, out this week on Netflix.
The results? Nobody will be giving up their day job. Maybe John Daly – but then again, it’s never totally clear what John Daly’s day job is, so maybe it’s this?
Anyway, herewith – in reverse order – the official Look Up ranking of the pro golfer cameos in Happy Gilmore 2.
Spoiler alert: it’s all spoilers.
Shane Lowry heeds caddie pep talk to shoot sizzling 63 at Tour Championship
Leona Maguire two shots off the lead in CPKC Open
Tour Championship: Rory McIlroy four-under after opening round in Atlanta, Shane Lowry level par
Tiger Woods takes up PGA Tour role but unification in golf is as distant as ever
23 Keegan Bradley
In the movie but doesn’t speak. Maybe his joke got cut out?
22 Jim Furyk
Also mute but does get to give the finger to a seagull in a flashback, so that’s something.
21 Tony Finau
Should have been Bradleyed. Wooden as the fine oak doors in the players’ locker room.
20 Nick Faldo
Part of the old-guy chorus, strictly there as the set-up man for the others. Credited as Sir Nick Faldo in the cast list, presumably to cushion the blow.
19 Corey Pavin
Another who got very little to do, other than provide one line of exposition on How Times Have Changed in pro golf.
18 Nancy Lopez
On the board of the mental hospital where Shooter McGavin has spent the past 29 years. A small role, but at least she’s acting.
17 Collin Morikawa
Gets body-slammed by NFL star-turned-waiter Travis Kelce, which is long overdue. In life, whatever about the movie.
16 Rory McIlroy
Ach, Rory. The material was there, he just didn’t deliver. Part of a superstar quartet but ultimately got outacted by his stunt double with a couple of funny pratfalls. Definitely the biggest disappointment.
Best line: “You guys get those clothes from the Lost & Found at ComicCon?”
15 Bubba Watson
Not great either but does make a pleasingly niche joke about a breakaway golf league.
Best line: “What’s up with that tool starting that goofy league?”
14 Jack Nicklaus
One good joke wherein he asks for a half lemonade, half iced tea and the waiter goes, “Arnold Palmer?” and Jack goes ...
Best line: “No, Jack Nicklaus. But I do get that a lot.”
13 Jordan Spieth
Ominously convincing as a gin snob who complains that he got Tanqueray instead of Bombay.
Best line: “No, just the right booze please.”
12 Brooks Koepka
At least he’s convincing as an aggressive, shit-talking alpha golfer.
Best line: “I say we sweep these goofy bitches.”
11 Rickie Fowler
Seems to be on the verge of corpsing most of the time. Plays the straight man for Xander Schauffele, building up to one big pay-off.
Best line: “Now THAT’s what she said!”
10 Justin Thomas
Sends himself up as an Uber-fan of Happy Gilmore even as he’s competing against him. Pulls out his camera and films him hitting his tee shots.
Best line: “I’m actually kind of rooting for you. I gotta stop.”
9 Charley Hull
Nobody grabs their moment better, as she bolts from the manager’s office in Big Charley’s Mini golf in a rage and berates Slim Peterson for walking off the job.
Best line: “You leave now, you ain’t ever coming back, you big pork chop.”
8 Lee Trevino
He was in the first movie and has said in the past that he regretted it because there was so much cursing. Seems to have found a way past his objections.
Best line (talking about aspirin): “I grind them into my apple sauce.”
7 Nelly Korda
Only in one scene and doesn’t have more than a couple of lines. But the world’s best woman golfer can really act. Nails it as the heartless, provocateur board member in the mental hospital with Shooter.
Best line: “And if he was wearing a gold jacket…?”
6 Fred Couples
Leans into a running gag in which he is constantly on the lookout for desserts, whether his own or somebody else’s.
Best line: “Hey Happy, you gonna finish that blueberry jubilee?”
5 Bryson DeChambeau
Makes it into the top five for one line and one line only, which is so out there that he might even have improvised it. McIlroy gets his nipples tweaked by one of the opposing team, leading to Bryson jumping in and screaming:
Best line: “Don’t twist my boy’s titties! Those are my titties!”
4 Xander Schauffele
Thoroughly enjoys himself by continually shouting, “That’s what she said!” at exactly the wrong time. Even mouths it silently at one stage. In the wrong hands, it’s a tired, nothing joke. Schauffele nails it.
Best line: “I think there’s a fork in my ass.”
3 Will Zalatoris
It’s been an online gag for years that Zalatoris looks like a grown-up version of the caddie Happy beats up in the first movie. But he had no right to be this good in playing the role.
Best line: “Blondie? My name’s Will and I’m still mad at you for choking me out, you son of a bitch.”
2 Scottie Scheffler
Some people are just good at everything. So good, he even gets the post-credits extra scene.
Best line (as cops turn up to arrest him) “Oh no, not again.”
1 John Daly
Magnificent. Lives in Happy’s garage, gets taken care of by his family, completely at ease making himself out to be a down-and-out, handwash-drinking, Love Island-watching charity case.
Best line: “It’s 75,000 dollars. That’s four years. That’s 333 grand.”
