AGAINST THE ODDS:An exchange of pre-wedding gifts backfires on our unsuspecting hero

ON A grim Tuesday morning, the rush-hour traffic on Dublin's northside was not rushing anywhere. Road works in Fairview where three main arteries converged, the Clontarf Road, Howth Road and Malahide Road, meant gridlock.

While some drivers blared horns, most did what was customary in these situations - the men picked their noses, some absent-mindedly, others with military-like precision, while the women powdered theirs as if they were preparing to meet royalty.

The corpulent driver of the 29A from Newgrove Cross to the city centre was long enough in the tooth, and short in the leg, not to allow the delay worry him.

There had been a time when he'd fret terribly about running late, about letting the customer down and having to explain himself to the cussed controller. Not any more.

Buses in Dublin rarely ran on time, not even with the advent of free-flow lanes, and no one gave two hoots.

Waiting patiently - for he was a man of immense tolerance - Vinny Fitzpatrick ensured his stubby fingers stayed on the steering wheel and didn't stray towards his hairy nostrils as he considered what to get Angie as a pre-wedding gift. It had been Angie's idea that they exchange presents ahead of their nuptials on December 6th, as "a symbol of love", as she'd put it.

She'd made the suggestion after inviting Vinny over for a Sunday supper of chicken tikka, nan bread and a bottle of Chablis, followed by an hour of American football on Sky Sports, and then a touchdown of a different sort.

They'd agreed to meet that evening - early, as Vinny didn't want to miss the "Tuesday Night Club" with the lads in Foley's - to exchange gifts. It left Vinny with little time and he needed to get a wriggle on.

As he inched towards North Strand, Vinny considered what he'd like from Angie if given the choice. "A round at Royal Dublin, a day out at Leopardstown races, or a night at the dogs, any of them would be brilliant," he thought to himself.

If the boat was being pushed out, tickets to Goodison Park to see his beloved Everton would be worth giving up drink for a week for. "While, we're still in the Premier League," he muttered to himself.

Now, Vinny was one of those fellas who was often inclined to give a present that he'd like to receive himself and he toyed with buying Angie a voucher for dinner for two at a swanky restaurant in the city. That way, he'd get to enjoy the gift as much as she would.

Scrunching his face up - not an attractive sight - Vinny tried desperately to think what else Angie would like. He was useless on clothes, make-up, jewellery, that sort of thing. Angie loved music and was mad on musicals and shows so maybe that was the road he should take.

Vinny had read somewhere that Riverdance was touring Britain in 2009, places like Plymouth, Bristol, Manchester, Birmingham, Sunderland and he knew Angie had a sister, Flo, living in Solihull.

"That's it," he thought. "I'll buy two front row tickets for Angie and Flo for the gig in Birmingham. They'll love it."

Some time later, for there was a breakdown on Talbot Street, the 29A finally docked in Marlborough Street, its allotted 40-minute journey having taken twice that long, Vinny scuttled across O'Connell Street.

Light on his feet for a big man, he skipped down to the Jervis Centre to Ticketron where he paid €110 cash - he didn't use a credit card - for two tickets for Riverdance on Thursday, March 12th in the NIA Centre, Birmingham.

He was, to put it mildly, made up when he made his way by foot that evening from his artisan dwelling behind the bus garage towards Angie's fine, detached home in leafy Mount Prospect Avenue.

While he loved Angie dearly he had no intention of hanging about as there was Champions League action on the box that night and he'd arranged to meet Macker and the lads at 8.30 in Foley's for a pint.

Angie, a fine cook, had prepared a wholesome supper of Shepherd's Pie accompanied by the obligatory large helping of baked beans and dollop of brown sauce, and Vinny tucked in heartily before they got around to business.

"May I go first m'lady," he said smiling before delivering the Riverdance tickets with a mock theatrical flourish from his back pocket. Angie studied the tickets carefully, a little slowly Vinnie felt, and then looked up and smiled radiantly at him.

"What a lovely surprise! I've never seen Riverdance, not since that piece on the Eurovision. We'll have a smashing time and sure we can make a weekend out it."

Vinny gasped with horror. "No, no, I'm not going. You're to go with Flo, the show's only down the road from her and it'll be a nice girly weekend for you."

There was no way on earth Vinny could sit through five minutes of toe-tapping, never mind a whole night of it.

"Absolutely not," Angie replied. "We'll have a great time and I can't think of anybody I'd rather see it with."

With that Angie reached into her handbag and placed a small gift-wrapped present on the kitchen table. Vinny studied it for a moment or two. Could it be a fancy pen?

He was about to open the present carefully when anticipation got the better of him and he ripped the wrapping off to reveal a white, 'phone-sized', object. "Er, Ange, what is it?" he asked.

"It's an iPod, you fool," said Angie. "You use it to download music, videos, photos, from your computer. Instead of logging on to your Betfair and Paddy Power accounts and spending money, you can download those Burt Bacharach songs you're always humming to yourself."

As Vinny stayed silent, Angie continued. "You know the way you've been going on about losing weight before the wedding? Well, I thought you could listen to a little music when you're pounding the pavements. You won't notice a few miles passing when you have something to sing along to."

Vinny picked up his gift, gave Angie a slightly less than enthusiastic kiss and glanced at his watch. "Good lord, is that the time? Got to go Ange, United are on the telly. Listen, thanks for the present. It's out of this world. Catch you later love."

With that he was gone, ambling at a fairly brisk pace towards Foley's. On the way, two things struck him. Why was the 'P' in iPod upper case? And how in heaven's name was he going to get out of Riverdance?

Bets of the Week

2pts Werder Bremen to beat Inter Milan in Champions League (13/2, Skybet)

1pt e.w. Charles Schwartzel in Dunhill Links Champ's (80/1, Boylesports)

Vinny's Bismarck

2pt Lay Bath to beat Wasps in Guinness Premiership (2/1, general, liability 4pts)