We tuned in hoping for an earthquake.
What we got was a seismic snooze.
True, a substantial tremor pulsed through the land at around a quarter to 11. But it wasn’t caused by anything said in the last TV “debate” of this God-awful presidential election.
It was just the reverberation from a nation sighing a heartfelt “thanks be to Jaaysus” when the thing was finally over.
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Given the two candidates’ debating performances so far – one piously whispering and the other nervously stuttering – perhaps the enterprise was always going to struggle under the weight of misplaced expectation.
But hope springs eternal when there might be the chance of one of them producing a sensational election-winning clincher, gladdening the hearts of all those who made the difficult decision to stay awake in the interests of democracy and a good political ding-dong.
Last night, it was the prospect of Heather Humphreys – lagging way behind, according to the most recent opinion poll – delivering a “knockout blow” to front-runner Catherine Connolly which tempted many viewers to stick with RTÉ’s Prime Time.
But it quickly became apparent that, short of whacking her rival over the head with a frying pan, this was not going to happen. And even if it did, the pan would have been made of Teflon, just like Catherine “I never avoided a question in my life” Connolly and her very sincerely voiced non-answers.
In a dull departure from previous make-or-break debates when the RTÉ tombola would be pressed into action to determine who got the best lectern positions in the studio line-up, there was no need to draw lots this time.
Two candidates. It didn’t take a genius to put Catherine on the left of the screen and Heather on the right.
“I’m a centre-ground, middle-of-the-road person,” declared Heather, straight off, by way of clarification.
Both women opted to wear sensible trouser suit ensembles. HH was in dark navy. CC was in black, the pair of them setting the mood for the unexciting fare to come.
Moderators Miriam O’Callaghan (light green) and Sarah McInerney (crisp white) injected a bit of welcome brightness into the proceedings. In trying to winkle answers from a sea of verbiage, they did a very good job under trying conditions.
The candidates were met by RTÉ director general Kevin Bakhurst when they entered the television centre. Cameras and microphones were set up outside to capture the comings and goings.
CC was first to arrive. She gave a little wave and murmured “thank you very much” before walking briskly past the waiting hacks.
HH wasn’t far behind. “Good evening, everyone! Good evening!” she beamed as she passed the media. She turned at the door and looked back. “Wish me luck!”
God love her. Catherine will ate her without salt.
Or maybe not.
They were brought in to the studio to stand silently at their lecterns as wallpaper for Mícheál Lehane while he did a live report in front of them for the nine o’clock news.
Then, when the first ad break came, Miriam and Sarah popped up in the studio doing a live promo. And there, still standing silently in the background at their lecterns were the two women, smiling awkwardly when they should have been in their dressingrooms shadow boxing and having their shoulders massaged.
The weather forecast was next.
It looks bad for Friday, polling day. The political anoraks of Ireland pondered what this might mean. Which candidate will do best in inclement weather? In the rainy conditions, will people stop sneering at their anoraks now?
It was a handy start for the candidates: say why the people should choose them for their president.
Heather swerved briefly to mention the “absolutely awful” scenes at Saggart in Co Dublin where protesters were attacking gardaí “with stones and, eh, with such things”.
She seemed very nervous.
Miriam steered her back to the question. She came out with the usual lines about unity and experience, inclusivity and respect, honesty, compassion and not being perfect.
Oh, and did she say that she is middle-of-the-road? Bang in the middle and “not to the far left” and hardly looking sideways at Catherine when she said it.
Deputy Connolly was already looking at history. Four women in this presidential debate – two interviewers and two candidates. This should be recognised, she said.
From the beginning, she sounded like it’s a done deal for her.
“I look forward to serving as president of this country ... I do so with humility and pride ... I will serve the people of Ireland to the best of my ability.”
Throughout the debate, her serene confidence was unshakeable.
“When I am president.” She said it more than once.
And said it with such conviction, even when the interviewers returned to asking the core questions she has been repeatedly asked but has not adequately answered.
Did she represent banks in home repossession cases when working as a lawyer while at the same time condemning banks for repossessing homes when working as a politician?
As Heather knew, she needed to throw a few haymakers, she came in hard on her rival, demanding an answer.
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Catherine talked very quietly and very reasonably around the issue and Heather pressed her to the point where she thought she had bagged a gotcha moment, but she didn’t.
Calm and articulate – former barrister Catherine had the skill to make it sound like she was saying she did repossession cases for banks, but she never quite said it.
Both performed weakly on foreign affairs.
Heather Humphreys was flat-footed when asked if she had ever been critical of Europe. “Ever? Ever?” persisted Miriam O’Callaghan as the former Fine Gael minister struggled to find an answer.
“Anything?”
Questions continued over details of Catherine Connolly’s trip to Syria when her group was shown around by apologists for Bashar Assad’s brutal regime.
She yielded up a fascinating nugget of information when asked yet again to say who organised the trip.
“A private citizen in Dublin who had previously organised many trips to the occupied territories ...”
Again, none the wiser.
Humphreys trotted out her endearingly mangled single line of Irish to tee up her now-familiar answer to the questions over her lack of proficiency in the language
Heather Humphreys’s defence of “rural pursuits” could prove problematic. She is not against fox hunting “once the controls are in place and abided by”, she said, reiterating her support for “rural pursuits” so many times that we began wondering if she has been rereading too many Jilly Cooper novels.
“It’s part of our heritage. Cruelty to animals, in my book, is somewhat different to fox hunting.”
Interestingly, while expressing her “great difficulty” with fox hunting, Deputy Connolly said foxes pose a threat to wildlife and farm animals and we should try to find a humane way to control them.
No point in antagonising rural voters.
She could have nailed Heather on the issue and further underpinned her significant support among young voters and voters in urban areas. She chose not to.
Former minister Humphreys trotted out her endearingly mangled single line of Irish to tee up her now-familiar answer to the questions over her lack of proficiency in the language.
On the well-aired subject of the woman with a conviction for firearm offences hired by TD Connolly to work with her in Leinster House, she was asked for the umpteenth time if she ever thought of asking her what she intended to do with the stolen guns.
After more pained whispering, we’re still none the wiser.
And so it went slowly on, raking over old ground with nothing much turning up despite all the effort.
Heather gave the same regret-filled answers she has long given on the complaints by the mother of Shane O’Farrell, a young man killed in a hit-and-run in Monaghan, that she was no help to her in her fight to get justice for Shane.
And Catherine persisted in calling the European Commission president “Frau von der Leyen”.
At three minutes to ten, she whipped out a copy of the Constitution and held it aloft.
And those playing Presidential Debate Bingo at home took a well-deserved swig of something strongly alcoholic.
It was even duller after the break.
Not an earthquake or a knockout in sight.
There was talk of the riots in Saggart. And the Council of State.
Then, finally, the last question.
It was to do with humility. Any regrets?
Heather Humphreys talked in touching detail about the rules during Covid which prevented people from being with their loved ones when they were dying.
“You couldn’t hold their hand, you couldn’t whisper something in their ear. And that, that stays with me and I regret that. I really do, because I think we could have found some way ... And I regret that. I genuinely do.”
Catherine Connolly agreed. Her personal regret was that she “agreed with the government” and voted for that measure too.
And that was it.
Two very different women from two very different political perspectives with very different qualities to bring to the job.
Independent candidate Catherine, composed and quietly exuding confidence, would outdebate Heather any day of the week. She did what she had to do.
Fine Gael choice Heather, out of her comfort zone, but putting in her best performance in this setting since the campaign began.
But she didn’t get her knockout. Catherine won on points.
The media gathered again at the front door for the departures.
Heather Humphreys stopped to talk.
“Oiché mhaith,” said Catherine Connolly. The self-proclaimed woman who has never avoided a question in her life walked quickly to her waiting car.
A reporter clearly shouted a question. So who is the person who organised the controversial trip to Syria?
She kept walking.
No answer.
None the wiser.
