TODAY’S reading is from the Second Letter of Herr Pauls to the Hibernians: The peace of the Lord and the fellowship of the European Union be upon ye, brethren. I, the apostle Pauls, also known as Christian, cometh again among the people of Hibernia to deliver the Good News – although, as ye probably guesseth, there will be some bad news as well.
It hath been twelve months and more now since I last addressed you, counselling of the danger of your coarseness and love of Mammon, not to mention your iniquity and base ingratitude, among other things, and warning ye that if ye did not repent, and quickly, ye were all going to hell in a handcart. And it giveth me no pleasure now to return to the subject, considering the weeping and gnashing of teeth that hath ensued on that occasion. Yet return I must.
They calleth me not “Christian Pauls” for nothing, however. And as my near namesake said to the Corinthians: “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.” So I will attempt to speak to you charitably – although, God knows, it’s not easy.
The world hath changed much since I last came among you, and Hibernia hath changed even more. Behold how the mighty have fallen! And although not even I could have foreseen the speed and extent of your demise, subsequent events hath made me look like the prophet Isaiah. But ye in your wisdom did not heed my warnings, likening me unto a false prophet. Instead of heeding, ye said unto yourselves: “Let us eat, drink, and be merry; for tomorrow we shall have a soft landing, followed by more sustainable growth patterns going forward, which will still compare favourably with EU norms.”
So God hath rained fire on the land of Sodom and Begorrah and hath smote everyone within it. And though ye may eat still, and some of ye may drink also, yet merriness is suddenly in very short supply. Merriness hath left town, verily, and will not be back anytime soon. No longer shall your physicians scoff at 200,000 shekels a year, likening it unto “Mickey Mouse money”. No longer shall the announcer in the National Concert Hall ask that whosoever is the driver of the 93D chariot parked outside should please move it because it’s causing an obstruction, and be greeted only with silence, because nobody dareth admit to driving anything so ancient. No longer shall your Ministers of State earn more than the German chancellor. Oh, wait – my mistake: that still happens.
In the spirit of charity, I know that some allowances must be made for Hibernian history. Ye have had a tragic past - yea, worse even than the Polandites. Famine, plague, pestilence, and war have ye suffered. But that excuse will get ye only so far. Yes, ye cast your swords into ploughshares, eventually, which was good. But then, thanks to soaring commodity markets, ye saw the value of your ploughshares go through the roof. Whereupon, ye did lose the run of yourselves altogether.
For the love of money is the root of all evil, as my singularly-named predecessor said. And now that your ploughshares are worth nothing again, perhaps you have become a little easier to talk to.
The Good News is that salvation is still available, even for the blackest sinners. Your path to righteousness is clearly outlined in the Holy Scripture, known also as the Book of Lisbon. But again in your wisdom, ye have closed you hearts to this Good News. Ye complaineth, for example, that the Iberianites and the tribes of Gaul fisheth your waters and plundereth your stocks of mackerel and cod. Yet ye say nothing when ye collecteth subsidies on your milk and honey; or, at any rate, milk. Who payeth these subsidies, I wonder?
As my namesake preached: “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” My point, brethren, is that just because the EU structural funds have dried up and it’s your turn to share some of the pain, that is no excuse to spit the dummy out of the pram.
Verily I say unto ye that if ye accept the Lisbon scriptures, taking them unto your heart and saying “Yes”, ye shall be born again. But if ye again reject them, ye shall be cast into outer darkness, from whence nobody will even hear your weeping and teeth-gnashing. Sayeth not that I didn’t warn ye. May the mercy of God and the understanding of the European Central Bank be with you all. Amen.