Right, so after all that, here’s where we are:

Fianna Fáil thinks that Fine Gael should form a minority government.

Never mind that Micheál Martin spent the election campaign warning that a Fine Gael government would be unfair, unequal, decimate public services, look after the rich, shoot the poor, and so on.

Fine Gael reckons a grand coalition between itself and Fianna Fáil is in the national interest.

This is despite the fact that two weeks ago they were telling anyone who would listen that Fianna Fáil – and its leader – wrecked the country and were not fit for government in any shape or form.

Labour thinks that it is only when Labour is in government that you get fairness, social progress and “balance” (remember that?).

But now the party wants to be in opposition for a bit.

Sinn Féin told people that a Fine Gael-Fianna Fáil government would be a disaster, the most “right-wing” government in the history of the State.

However, it also maintains this is exactly what should happen now.

Ditto the AAA-PBP alliance, the rest of the radical left, the Greens and various Independents.

Are we leaving anyone out?

No Blueshirt pact

Much of the focus will be on Fianna Fáil in the coming days and weeks, and a media clamour for the party to join a grand coalition with Fine Gael is already gathering.

To say that the party is unmoved by these appeals would be something of an understatement.

Fianna Fáilers point out that they spent the entire election campaign saying that they wouldn’t snuggle up to the Blueshirts, and now the meeja – having merrily lacerated Labour for breaking its promises for the last five years – wants Micheál Martin to break his biggest and most public promise.

Nolle prosequi, they say, or words to that effect.

“The very same radio and television programmes that are now demanding that Fianna Fáil join a coalition with Fine Gael would be replaying clips of us saying ‘We will not go into coalition with Fine Gael’ and demanding to know why we broke our promises,” says one Fianna Fáiler.

“Well, they can bugger off.” Except he didn’t really say ‘bugger’.

Ah, but what about the undeniable policy compatibility between the two parties?

Nobody, not even the Fianna Fáilers themselves, really believes the fiction of a great policy gulf between the two parties.

Sure, there’s Irish Water. Fine Gael’s tax cuts are a bit bigger than Fianna Fáil’s. Micheál likes a bit of fruit at the cabinet meetings, while Enda loves an oul’ scone.

And there's the whole Michael Collins thing.

And, er . . . that’s it.

Policy schmolicy

But so what? Culture, tradition, loyalty, identity, dinner in the middle of the day – these are the things that have separated Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil in the past. Not policy. Those things change, but they change slowly.

One of the many obiter dicta of the late PJ Mara springs to mind. Asked why policy debates did not feature more prominently in one election campaign, Mara considered the question thoughtfully before replying decisively.

“The Irish people,” he solemnly intoned, “do not give a shite about policy.”

All this means that political debate for the coming weeks is going to go something like this:

Everyone: Ah go on.

Fianna Fáil: No thanks.

Everyone: Ah go on, go on.

Fianna Fáil: Honestly, we’re grand.

Etc, etc, etc. Repeat ad (magnam) nauseam. Now that’s something to look forward to, eh?

Tales of tension within the Independent ranks

It pains us greatly to report something of a tension convention last week from the previously fraternal ranks of the Independents.

It seems some jockeying for position has been taking place – a shocking thing , of course, but true.

You would almost think that they were politicians or something.

Despite public backing for him from colleagues, many were annoyed with Shane Ross’s description of Enda Kenny as a “political corpse” in his Sunday Independent column last weekend.

Relations between The Deputy Ross and the Roscommon turf-cutter, rural activist and promoter of “common sense” in all matters Michael Fitzmaurice became somewhat disharmonious for a time, according to Leinster House snitches.

Fitzmaurice was reportedly of the view that the Independent Alliance should put forward a candidate for taoiseach.

Moreover, he had a clear view of who it might be.

Step forward . . . himself.

The Deputy Ross was understood to be underwhelmed at the common sense of this proposal.

The normally voluble Finian McGrath, one of the more dazzling stars in the Alliance’s firmament, was uncharacteristically tight-lipped on reports of the disagreement.

“We had some excellent candidates,” he explained, “but in the end we decided not to put anyone forward.”

The nation’s loss, gentlemen, the nation’s loss.

Climate for change as all parties make submissions on Dáil reform

It was Lord Eldon, the British lord chancellor of the 1820s – or was it Finian McGrath? – who wondered: “Reform? Reform? Aren’t things bad enough already?”

But reform is the first buzz word of the new Dáil, with unprecedented all-party agreement on a committee to recommend changes in Dáil procedures next month. Yes, yes, control your excitement.

True, Pearse Doherty mused that "of the thousands of people I met and canvassed in Donegal, not one mentioned the issue of Dáil reform", but that's Donegal for you.

You would think the endless droning on about political reform at the MacGill Summer School in Glenties every year would have some effect but apparently not.

Anyway, all the parties will be making their submissions on changes to the Dáil’s rules over the coming weeks.

Close the bar; extend opening hours; no homework on Fridays; a naughty step – you get the idea.

Much worthy windbagging will take place, and that’s all to the good. Mind you, as one old Leinster House hand put it this week, “the greatest single Dáil reform would be if the voters stopped sending people who have no interest in national politics to the national parliament”.

This is harsh, but there may be some truth to it.

Hard work being Labour

The unhappiest people when the Dáil met this week were those in the Labour Party. Joan Burton’s ululations in the chamber were even more plaintive than usual last Thursday when she bemoaned the fate of the Labour Party.

“The Labour Party has never been afraid to take responsibility, and sometimes the cost of taking responsibility is very high, as we know,” the Tánaiste told the House.

“As Shakespeare put it, ‘he jests at scars that never felt a wound’.”

You can’t beat a bit of Shakespeare at a time like this.

Labour is committed to going into opposition, where what remains of the party hierarchy will try to prevent Alan Kelly from becoming leader.

How to put this politely? They have some concerns about his . . . aaaahhh, temperament.

But it may be some time before Labour can escape the shackles of Government. Can they not just resign?

Apparently not. Legal opinion presented to Labour points to article 28.11.2 of the Constitution: “The members of the government in office at a date of a dissolution of Dáil Éireann shall continue to hold office until their successors shall have been appointed.”

M’learned friends appear to think that this actually prevents Ministers from resigning during the period of the interregnum.

So Labour finds itself in a sort of gilded cage, stuck in office but not in power.

“It’s just not as much fun around here anymore,” said one adviser type.