CLARE loves her four children dearly, and had looked forward to their university years as a time when she could move on from full time mothering to get a life of her own.
The reality is "that I'm still at survival stage, taking care of the bare necessities.
She goes to bed at night and comes down "to a bomb. There's actually more work to do than when they were smaller." And unlike when they were smaller, she can't be sure that she'll ever get some much needed time to herself.
Their university schedules are all different, they and their friends are around at unpredictable times. Even the two eldest, who've worked away from home in the summer, "want mummy to wash their clothes, and ferry them around Dublin. They come home to be mothered."
As much as she loves them, and knows she will miss them when they do finally leave home - with luck, when they're 25 or so - Clare says "I'd love the luxury of asking them all to leave home now".
So when do your children become adults and how do you all get on when, as adults, you must live under the same roof?
A generation or so past, it was all clear cut. Parents were the boss and you were the child, no matter how old. Mammies did most of the work, but made all the rules too. Nowadays, we're expected to treat our 18 year olds as adults and the transition in the relationship is tricky on both sides.
Clare is caught in a thoroughly modern parent trap. Her children, age from 18 to 23, have adult rights to come and go more or less as they please, but are reluctant to take on the responsibilities that go with being independent.
Ed McHale, director of the Clanwilliam Institute, Dublin, pinpoints the paradox that makes parent/child relationships today more complex. "Children mature earlier, and insist on exercising choices about many aspects of their lifestyle earlier than ever, from about the age of 12 or 13. But they're financially dependent for longer than ever frequently until their early 20s.
If you're lucky, geography might solve the problem for you both, as it did for Clare and many of her generation who came from the country to Dublin or other cities to university, or to work. Thus leaving home becomes a necessity, and the best and fastest way to grow up.
Another quick way to transform the relationship between you and your children is to have a house big enough for you both to have separate living quarters, or enough money to buy an apartment for them to live in. The deal, of course, is that they would pay you rent, if possible, and be completely responsible for cooking and cleaning for themselves.
Unfortunately, for most of us living in standard three and four bedroom semi detached suburbia, this is not an option. So you have to live under the same roof while you negotiate the tricky emotional changes where you begin to relate as adults rather than as parent and child and establish agreed practical rules about house sharing. This may cover not just practicalities like cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, and finances, but nowadays, issues like whether or not it's acceptable for your child to sleep with boy/girlfriends in your home.
Both Kathleen Kelleher, senior clinical psychologist at the Mater Dei Institute in Dublin, and Ed McHale agree on two key things. The first is that you must start training your children for independence from infancy onwards, giving them age appropriate chores and lots of positive feedback. (Otherwise you will be raising another generation of men who whine "where have you hidden my socks?", or computer whiz teens who say "but I don't know how to turn on the drier".)
The second is that you should sit down as a family and agree on the way forward says McHale. "Parents must be clear about their expectations and you must sit down as a family of adults, treating shared problems as shared responsibilities."
ALL THIS is easier said than done. Many of us, like Clare, have tried the family council idea only to find it breaks up in disarray as emotion gets in the way of logic. But parents should persevere in trying to get agreements.
Kelleher makes the point that children don't automatically become responsible adults on their eighteenth birthday - there is still a lot of growing up to do between the ages of 18 and 25. And she adds. "The rules you need to negotiate will differ from family to family. The demands you make on an 18 year old who is out of work and around the house all day will differ from those you make on a child who's working or in full time education. The rules will depend on what stage your family is at. A 20 year old can't come in at midnight after drinking with his pals if you still have a baby at home."
If a child is earning money, you should expect him or her to pay you a realistic rent, not just a token. If your children treat you as a domestic slave, you should get tough; arrange to be absent at mealtimes, announce that you'll do only one wash a week, and if they miss it, that's their problem. Examine your conscience to see if underneath it all, you're having trouble giving up your "mammy" role.
And even if you try your damndest to avoid phrases like "as long as you're under my roof" or "as long as I pay the bills around here", remember that it is your house. If, for example, you don't want your children to sleep with boy/girlfriends in your house for moral or other reasons, say so.
It's not just a matter of what's good for you, but what's good for your children as well. Ultimately, even if you're getting on fine, it is best if your child does leave home when financially able to do so, believes Kelleher.
"The old idea of staying with mammy `til you get married is gone. If someone is 22, 23, 24, and working, but not moving out, it's because it's too comfortable at home, or because they're scared. And parents would have to ask themselves; `am I encouraging them to stay here for my sake?'
