I was at a function doing what I do best, minding the bags at the table. Using my reflexes to fend off scavengers trying to snatch away our chairs. It was an event of mostly over 30s and chairs with good backs were a scarce, non-renewable resource that had to be protected at all costs. Much like the bottles of prosecco hidden under the table, far from the eyes of bar staff looking to clear them away.
On the periphery of my table was a man and a woman. I was doing what any person would do while waiting for their friends to come back from the bathroom – eavesdropping on their conversation.
It was less of a conversation and more of a sales pitch. He wanted her to leave the function and her lovely chair with the comfy back and her half-filled glass of sparkling wine from somewhere as exotic as Wagga Wagga to go back to his place. And she did not want to. At least that’s what I picked up from her saying “No, I’m going home, I have work in the morning”. To me, her “no” alone was a full stop. She did not want to leave with this man. It was not a coy “I shouldn’t” but “I am not” coming home with you.
But this man must have listened with different ears. He launched into a spiel overcoming her objections like he was the top graduate of a weekend sales seminar on closing the deal.
Her ‘no’ was clear. She did not want to go home with him. Still he went on. And on
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What if they went back to hers instead? No, you don’t want to do that? What if we went out for another drink? Oh you don’t want to go to another pub? Okay, I know we’ll get a bottle of wine and go down to the harbour and look at the stars.
On it went. He told her it wasn’t about sex. He would just come over “for a cuddle”. She objected. Sensing he was losing the battle for hearts and minds, he walked back his position. Okay he wouldn’t come in. But could they share a taxi and he’ll just drop her off. Promising a chaste peck at the door before he whisked off into the night. A gallant gentleman on his way to the kebab shop.
“No thanks,” she replied, explaining that as they lived on opposite sides of the city, it made zero logistical sense for them to share a taxi. He remembered his sales ABCs (Always Be Closing) and dug deep. Didn’t she know how beautiful she was? He really felt the connection between them. He couldn’t just let go when she could be his future wife.
I had given up any pretence that I was not earwigging at the display in front of me. By now, I was giving my best unimpressed Roy Keane facial expressions. A face that could only be taken as the international sign language of “would you be well listening to all this?”.
She had said no multiple times by this point. That wasn’t the problem. It was his refusal to hear it. I remembered my experiences as a younger woman when men took my “no” as the start of their negotiation and not as the stopping point. They thought I didn’t really mean it, when I didn’t want to come with them, when I didn’t want to give my number or when they were trying to kiss me. They had the mistaken and dangerous belief that some women mean “yes” when they say “no”.
When we talk about raising young men to respect boundaries, get consent and engage in healthy relationships we have to be more specific. We have to teach them that sex is not a thing you win. It is not the result of how well you negotiate or argue your case. It is not a thing you achieve through high sales pressure tactics. It comes from two people electing via a mutual, independent process that now is an opportune time to ride one another. A no is a no, it’s not a “not now”, a “I secretly want to” or “keep asking me, until I give in”.
It’s like women are not respected enough to know their own mind. It’s the entitlement to their bodies because “I know what you really want”, and that answer is strangely sex with a man and not, say, a lovely two-week all-expenses cruise or a curly blow-dry or equal pay.
I’m pleased to report the woman at the function did not go home with him. He was left scowling at the taxi rank at the end of the night, looking like he failed to hit his quarterly sales target.
