I have had many academic honours, but the highest accolade I have ever received was being designated fourth toughest in fifth class at my local national school in Co Kildare.
Having moved around a lot between schools in my youth, I was very aware of the political cross currents in the schoolyard and knew I was still finding my feet socially. I took most of my social cues from the television programme The A-Team, in which I idolised the mental-health pioneer “Howling Mad” Murdock.
I could see some of my classmates making their way in the world as the strongest, the cleverest or the best-looking. All of these avenues were shut to me. From the life of “Howling Mad” Murdock, however, I learned that every gang needed a crazy wild-card character. Looking around at my classmates, I was pretty sure I had an edge here.
Who was the arbiter of toughness? That would be the unanimously accepted First Toughest Boy. He was called Dodo, nicknamed inexplicably after an extinct bird, who regularly looked across his puny classmates with disdain
And so it would turn out to be when, eventually, a sort of battle royale broke out in the schoolyard and the hierarchies of “toughest boy” in the class were up for grabs once more. Who was the arbiter of such things? That would be the unanimously accepted First Toughest Boy. He was called Dodo, nicknamed inexplicably after an extinct bird, and he regularly looked across his puny classmates with disdain and rejigged the hierarchy once more.
I was a runner (in so far as I usually ran away), not a fighter, but on this day of random child violence I decided to channel my hero “Howling Mad” Murdock and allow the Second Toughest Boy, Robert, to punch me repeatedly in the face. I didn’t cry. I think I might even have smiled. So Robert started to cry, because he was tired from the punching, and sadism loses its edge with masochists.
Everyone was very impressed. Dodo bumped me all the way up to Fourth Toughest Boy, leapfrogging several violent young thugs along the way. It may have been the proudest moment of my life. I’ve a memory of getting a certificate and everything, but I can’t find it, so that bit could have been a dream.
