Life can be overwhelming. So much so, running away can feel like a plausible and desirable way to try to escape the problematic events and tough emotions we may be experiencing.
Yet, most of us know that running away is not proactive and will not make things better, or ease the surge of heightened emotions at play.
It may, in fact, make things worse, intensifying the feelings of being trapped or powerless.
It makes sense to want to run away from the difficult emotions consuming us, but what exactly is pushing us to escape rather than attempt to adjust or control our emotions?
“Our brains are wired to scan the environment for signs of possible threat and to react as protectively as possible,” says Cathy O’Byrne, psychotherapist at The Swallow’s Trail. “Intense feelings can sometimes be experienced as threatening and this can activate a fight, flight or even freeze response in our nervous systems. In many ways, it is our brain trying to keep us safe from a perceived threat.”
We are wired to avoid pain, discomfort and threat. So, when we imagine what it would be like to run away, this possible scenario without stress, worry, or other difficult emotions can be relieving as endorphins are often released when we use our imagination.
“The thing is,” says O’Byrne, “feeling these emotions is not actually threatening or unsafe. It can just seem like that in the moment, until we learn to regulate ourselves.”
O’Byrne recognises that intense feelings can be very dysregulating and overpowering and that it can be tempting to avoid this for all sorts of reasons through a means of some kind of escape, depending on a person’s “coping style or the support” available to them.
“Fear can lead us to suppress authentic and justified feelings of anger and frustration because of how others might perceive or judge us,” says O’Byrne. “Fear of looking ‘weak’ can feel deeply threatening and can really get in the way of being able to express sadness, hurt, loneliness, shame or any of the more vulnerable feelings.”
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How we address such big and difficult feelings can be traced back to our vulnerabilities and our responses and reactions to past experiences, especially, as O’Byrne highlights, “whether or not expressing [our feelings] was a safe or acceptable thing to do”, and how feelings were labelled as being good or bad.
“Thinking about emotions in such polarised ways may have conditioned our ability to ‘be with’ our feelings with differing degrees of ease, comfort, or confidence,” says O’Byrne. “This is not about blaming, shaming or even judging previous generations. We all do the best we can in any given moment with the tools, skills and awareness available to us at the time. Early experiences, particularly those that are co-regulating, have been shown to improve our capacity to hold, feel, express and work through big feelings.”
While running away feels advantageous, O’Byrne points out that there is only so far we can run before something catches up with us. “Buried or intense feelings are no exception to this,” she says, adding that avoiding strong emotions takes energy and effort, which is exhausting over time, leading to ill-conceived reactions, or over-reactions that are disproportionate to the event at hand.
“Think of it like a pressure cooker or a bottle of something fizzy that has been containing stress, distress and tricky feelings, with pressure building up inside,” she says. “As life, work, adversity and circumstances do their thing, a vessel can get knocked around or shaken up, causing a lot more pressure to build up from within.
“It is the same with us, as our bodies can serve as a storage container for our emotions, especially those that go unexpressed or unaddressed. Feelings need to be expressed and released in healthy ways to avoid congestion and putting all that extra pressure on our nervous systems and our general health.”
Tell yourself, in loving and supportive terms, that what you are feeling is okay and that it will pass
— Cathy O’Byrne
The brain is complex and scientists are consistently learning more about how we think, feel, process and utilise its various aspects. While there is slow progress as a result of the multifaceted nature of neuroscience, we are learning more and more about emotional regulation and the physiological, cognitive and behavioural processes required to help us manage difficult challenges in life.
“To put it very simply, many of us would struggle with these difficult emotions,” says O’Byrne, “because we simply haven’t learned the skills of regulation. Sitting with these feelings, allowing them to be there and teaching our nervous system to regulate, breathe and slow down, can allow the feelings to pass and not overpower us.”
We can learn to surf
Allowing things to settle down before slowly opening that bottle might avoid an eruption. The same can be said for our emotions. When the urge to run away comes, O’Byrne suggests riding the wave.
“Jon Kabatt-Zinn said: ‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.’ Anyone who has ever tried surfing will know that it’s a lot harder than people make it look,” says O’Byrne. “Life can happen in big waves. These waves can be joyful and exhilarating, or sometimes scary and testing. Rather than trying to run away, notice what is happening for you.”
O’Byrne explains that to do this, we can begin by thinking of the feelings as neither good nor bad. Allow them to just be. “It can be helpful to place your hand on your heart to help you connect to yourself and what you’re feeling with care and compassion,” she says.
“Try and stay grounded enough to really ‘be with’ what’s going on for you in that moment. Breathe deeply and slowly and give yourself permission to feel. Try not to change the feeling, deny it, minimise it, judge it or talk yourself out of it. Let it be what it is, for that moment.”
When doing this, O’Byrne encourages us to take charge and remind ourselves that we are safe and capable. “Tell yourself, in loving and supportive terms, that what you are feeling is okay and that it will pass,” she says. “With time, patience, practice and lots of self-compassion we can learn to regulate, accept, express, cope with and process these more difficult feelings.”
O’Byrne stresses that we don’t have to be alone if we are finding things difficult. “It is good to reach out to someone you trust,” she says, “or connect with a mental health professional if you are in need of extra support or a listening ear at any time.”
