WEBSITES: Have keyboard will travel: the virtual world of the Internet offers an entertaining way to get away from it all at virtually no cost.
As another pitiful summer plods to a close and wheezy autumn stretches its legs, the lure of the virtual world becomes difficult to resist. The Internet is a Utopian holiday destination: endlessly informative, ceaselessly entertaining and cheaper than a budget airline jaunt to an obscure continental airport.
Those seeking distraction from the miserable weather could do worse than visit www.digitalart.org, a sumptuous gallery of desktop wallpapers and screensavers. Although much of the art exudes a faint whiff of limp new-age mysticism, its winsome loveliness transcends the site's vaguely mawkish tone. A handsome splash of wallpaper won't encourage the sun to show its face or banish gathering clouds but it may lift your spirits and brighten your working day.
Digitalart's trippy visuals will undoubtedly grate as many as they delight. Punch 'Em! (www.urban75.com/Punch/index/html) provides a darkly wicked alternative. Click on and slap the celebrity of your choice. International political figures, including George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Clinton, head the cast of targets but there is a wide selection of celebrity annoyances also. If you've ever wanted to smack Moby, Jeremy Clarkson or Bill Gates, here is your chance.
Fond of adroit, sand-paper dry humour? Peruse the funniest site on the Internet, the Onion (www.onion.com). Innumerable journalists have already churned out reams of overwrought praise for this quirky, straight-laced and routinely hilarious spoof journal. Sure, it's not as wickedly cutting as it used to be (what is?) and vast swathes are unsuitable for children. When it hits its stride, however, few satirical organs come close. Like The Simpsons and Frasier the Onion remains a comic institution deserving of your unquestioning devotion.
Murkier delights are to be uncovered on the official site of children's author Lemony Snicket (www.lemonysnickett.com). A grievously overlooked delight, Snicket's novels (yes it's a pseudonym) offer refreshing respite from the overabundance of self-regarding juvenile literature jostling for attention in book-stores. In ebullient contrast to dull old Harry Potter, Snicket's work mingles the gothic wit of Roald Dahl with a baroque sensibility redolent of the work of filmmaker Tim Burton. The results are compelling and consistently astonishing. The website is no less accomplished.
For the less bookish, the bewildering assortment of dancing animal sites that proliferated in the wake of the late 1990s boogying hamster mania present a cheerful diversion. Choose from booty-shaking penguins, (www.calum.org.uk/penguins), jiving hippos, (www.bigdance.com/humpty.htm) or even get jiggy with carton brontasaurs http://www.funsilly.com/dinodance.html). Yes, this craze lapsed into terminal naffnesss at least three years ago. But, hey, it's the Internet. Nobody need find out you're that far off the pace!
An uproarious, if slightly surreal, alternative is www.gajinagogo.com, which delivers a poke in the eye to anyone who thought A-list movie stars were above whoring themselves on dowdy television commercials. Crass, obscure but deeply lucrative, the Japanese market provides the perfect hidey-hole for avaricious stars - so long as nobody catches them, first-rank draws such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Winona Ryder and Demi Moore will cheerfully hawk coffee, bubble gum and sensible family cars in exchange for a few yen and the cab fare home.
Figurative light years from such flippant silliness is sodaplay (www.sodaplay.com) where you can design and animate your own virtual droids. Infuriatingly impenetrable at first, sodaplay quickly reveals worrying addictive qualities. A malleable jigsaw puzzle for the e-generation, the site demands a passing familiarity with basic engineering principles and doesn't reward casual surfers. Give it time, however, and you will quickly find yourself helplessly addicted. The easily bored can access a menagerie of ready-made constructs and glean wicked fun from tinkering with their meticulous designs. If you've ever dreamed of removing a robot's appendages and watching it scrape across the floor in stuttering confusion, sodaplay will hook you.
Sounds too cerebral? Cut your brain some slack and log on to www.paintingelephants.com, an engaging - and undemanding - selection of oil etchings by artistic pachyderms including Khang, Jo-Jo, Phong and others. Critics have panned their efforts as chaotic and without purpose. But to the untrained eye it is often difficult to distinguish these elephantine endeavours from those of their two legged peers.
Restless surfers will soon tire of such pastoral pleasures. Best then to trot along to www.shockwave.com, an engaging bells'n'whistles treasure-trove showcasing the powerful and flexible shockwave media player. An abundance of games and quirky animated shorts ("Trooper Clerks", the delirious Star Wars-Kevin Smith pastiche Trooper Clerks is a highlight) vie for your attention. You will need a fast Internet connection and a powerful PC to extract the full potential of this site. Hey, why do you think they have computers at work? Over at the cheerfully low-tech "tracking Elvis" page (http://members.aol.com/Trmptgrl/elvis.html), fans are frantically charting sightings of the rhinestone bejewelled demagogue. Catch a glimpse of the king on the bus to town this morning? Click here and let the world know! And if you happen to BE Elvis (where have you been, man?), you could always lay a few false trails. Tee hee hee.
Tarrying too long on the web will not only leave you rheumy-eyed, migraine-smitten and numb-fingered but might also deliver you into the clutches of self-proclaimed "end of the Internet" (http://www.dotcomscotland.co.uk/weirdsites/end.htm). Its advice is eminently sensible: "Sorry - you have reached The End of the Internet. This is the VERY last page. There are no more links. No more exciting sites to visit - NOTHING. Please turn off your computer and get a life."
