“I want the gold banana!” shouts Jeremy. Jeremy is a giraffe, miniature in size and he needs the banana. He is standing in front of his mirror, in his toilet-free bathroom, brushing his teeth with his banana-flavoured toothpaste.
Jeremy steps down off the stool. He is in the presidential suite of The Heritage Hotel, Killenard, Co Laois, where he lives. He lives there because he is Lord Portarlington, and his current house, Emo Court is being renovated to remove all the toilets.
The previous week, Jeremy had gone to Killenard School where the teacher, Ms Baguette, the French-accented spider, who is the substitute teacher for Ms Skehan in fifth class, had told them some local news. The only big gold banana in the world, the size of a chair, is coming from Australia and is going on a parade through Ireland. It’s first stop is Laois and Jeremy is invited is see it because he is Lord Portarlington after all.
Jeremy is getting dressed for the special banana visit and he puts on his special suit with a banana motif, his gold glasses and his solid gold chains which read, “I’m the banana king”. Jeremy wants the golden banana because Ms Baguette told them that it grants its owner more power.
Jeremy wants to take over all of Leinster and become The King! Ms Baguette knows this because her grandspider created the golden banana with magic, using an enchanted tome, The Sorcerer’s Banana Cookbook by Dorothy, the Wizard of Bananas.
On his way to the parade on Main St in Portarlington, outside the library and just around the corner from the swimming pool; Jeremy accidentally gets lost in the portaloo area. He is terrified and freaked out. Jeremy exclaims: “I’m so afraid of toilets. Whatever shall I do?” And then, Jimmy the sky-blue cow, drops out of the sky on a zip line from a helicopter and falls on top of Jeremy. A rabbit hops out of his top hat because Jimmy is a moogician. Jimmy says: “Sorry sir, here’s your nuclear codes so you can launch your nuclear missile at the portaloos!” Jeremy says: “Stop milking it and get off me!
Jimmy comforts Jeremy and gives him a big hug because he knows he is terrified of toilets. “I know you’re scared of toilets from when you were flushed down one when you were a toy. Even though it turned you into a real giraffe!”
Meanwhile, in Derryounce Woods, gathered together in one of the disused railway cars, a team of thieves, The Terrible Trio, discuss plans to steal the golden banana. Gary the oversized snail, Milly the miniature Monkey and Bob the sunglasses-wearing ghost plot their deed. They drive the railway car using the old train lines until they reach their horse, Merrylegs and using the carriage, they then gallop off towards the parade. The carriage gets caught in Merrylegs tail, and the terrible trio worried about their horse, bring her to Karla the vet in Portarlington Vet Centre to get help.
The Golden Banana is in the Community Centre, next to the swimming pool. Jeremy and Jimmy head towards it in the helicopter. Jimmy is piloting his lordship to see the banana. The helicopter lands in the playground and just then the Terrible Trio come out of the vets with Merrylegs who is all better.
Gary who was friends with Jeremy in secondary school recognises Jeremy as the giraffe who hired them to steal the banana! “Hello Boss,” Gary says. Jimmy faints in shock. Jeremy shouts, “Where is my banana?” Bob says, “We were at the vets, so we haven’t gotten it yet.” They all turned to the plush red cushioned stand to find the banana was gone!
Then out of nowhere, Jimmy pulls out his sharpened Twix gun, fires venomous caramel bars at them all, making them dance the macarena, grabs the golden banana and flies away in his helicopter, shouting “See you later moosers!” Moooha ha ha ha ...
