The day started beautifully. It’s not that this couch has anything against our Celtic cousins, but Italy’s win over Scotland in Rome, their first in the Six Nations since around 1763, was a thing of loveliness due to the way their players celebrated, like they were Marco Tardelli in the 1982 World Cup final.
Six-foot-nine, 36-stone prop forwards bawling like babies. And former Italian international Ian McKinley dancing around the Virgin Media studio, hugging the bejaysus out of Matt Williams, Andrew Trimble and Joe Molloy. “And you’re supposed to be a professional,” said Joe.
So, that was very special. All we needed to complete the day was a triumph in Twickenham – which would result in the championship being sealed with a whole game to spare.
The permutations were straightforward. As Nathan Johns of this parish explained pre-match, “a draw or an Ireland win will put them out of sight. If England win with no try bonus point, they will move to 12 points. If Ireland lose by less than seven and score four tries in this scenario, they will move to 17 and, given their superior points difference, would still be expected to wrap up the title given England could only match them for total points”.
[ Marcus Smith’s last-gasp drop goal ends Ireland’s hopes of Grand Slam repeatOpens in new window ]
“My brain is fried,” Nathan concluded. To be honest, those belonging to the rest of us were deep-fried in a beer batter. But from what we could gather, winning was the main thing.
The ads before the game reminded us of those we’d lost before this challenge, Johnny Sexton spotted buying apples and oranges in his local supermarket, but you move on because you have to, you can’t mourn forever.
The pre-match mood of the RTÉ panel? Highly buoyant. “You’ve certainly done your bit for the country this week by saying that Ireland need to be down to 13 or 14 players for England to have any chance. You hopped the ball good and early,” Jacqui Hurley said to Jamie Heaslip.
He responded with a sheepish grin, noting the dog’s abuse he’d received from the Sasanach on social media, which might have persuaded him to put that proposed podcast on a further hold, but he was standing his ground.
“I just think so much has to go right for England and so much has to go wrong for Ireland for them to have a chance to stay in this game. It’s going to be difficult for England today,” he said.
Stephen Ferris was equally confident. “Everybody feels this England team will come good at some stage, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen today.” The same with Bernard Jackman. “In terms of how England are playing and how Ireland are playing, it should be a pretty comfortable day.” He did, though, offer a “word of caution”: “England have the capacity to step up.”
Following a lusty rendition of Ireland’s Call pre-match, which suggested that we’d annexed a fair chunk of Twickenham, off we went. And, somehow, Ireland led 12-8 at half-time, despite England stepping up considerably. Donal Lenihan put Jack Crowley’s wobbly penalty, that brought his team’s tally to 12, down to the intervention of St Patrick, and while standing by their belief that Ireland would prevail, the RTÉ lads had a small fear that further divine intervention would be required to hold off this rejuvenated England.
All seemed grand when James Lowe went over for his second try – “the leprechauns are with us,” Donal howled – while George Ford kept on missing kicks, the camera operators somewhat insensitively picking out Owen Farrell in the stands, in a ‘look what we’re missing’ kind of way.
[ England 23 Ireland 22: How the Irish players rated at TwickenhamOpens in new window ]
Thereafter? You knew it was beginning to go pear-shaped when Sweet Chariots started filling the Twickenham air. As Hugh Cahill put it: “This. Is. An. Incredible. Finish. To. An. Incredible. Game.”
Two minutes to go. An Irish lineout. “Henderson ... risky one ... balls of steel.” If Hugh isn’t careful, he’ll be cancelled. Which Ireland were with that Marcus Smith drop goal in the dying seconds. Game over, hearts in smithereens, sport is rubbish.
“We’ve got to say congratulations to England,” said Bernard, to which the viewers said, ‘no we bloody well don’t’. Jamie was pressing a further pause on his podcast plans, while Stephen was trying to be philosophical. “This is sport, that’s why we love it, upsets happen.”
He was, of course, wrong. This is sport, that’s why we, more often than not, feckin’ hate it.
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