You might have heard about the poor old Turkish commentator being axed from the TRT channel’s World Cup coverage after he called Iran New Zealand and New Zealand Iran during the opening stages of their meeting in Los Angeles. It was probably an inexcusable mistake to make seeing as there was a clue in New Zealand’s colours – all black – but then, Turkey isn’t a rugby hotbed.
But such has been the never-ending onslaught of games, it all has to be a bit discombobulating for those working on it. Take Martin Keown. “This is a big ask for Curacel,” he said of Curaçao’s game against Ecuador in the early hours of Sunday morning.
The internet told us that Curacel is the brand name for an antioxidant supplement containing micronized curcumin rhizome extract, so quite how Martin confused it with the southern Caribbean island is hard to say.
“Brilliant goalkeeping from CuraSOW’s Eloy Room,” commentator Steven Wyeth said 15 times, for each of Eloy’s World Cup record-equalling tally of saves, in the hope that Martin would pick up on the pronunciation. But each time Martin responded along the lines of: “He’s doing Curacel proud!”
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Over on RTÉ, meanwhile, the American commentator reassured us that VAR would be entirely reliable for this game because “we have a literal rocket scientist” in charge of it – “Fu Ming, professor of agronomics and astronomics in China”. “He’s a smart cookie, is Fuming,” Martin didn’t say back on the BBC, because if he had, Steven would probably have left the stadium and aimlessly wandered the streets of Kansas City.
Hands up here, this couch didn’t actually stay up for Curacel v Equator, instead playing it back at a more civilised hour, the continuing absence of a Match of the Day-type highlights package for the overnight games on any of the channels still a source of great mystery. This has led to even football-diehards not seeing a nano-second of, oh, 50-ish per cent of the games thus far, and, so, feeling a touch detached from it all. God be with the days when Fifa thought there was only one time zone: Europe’s.
England were given kinder kick-off times, as were Germany and France (anyone would think the trio and the size of their TV audiences held sway). Ghana are up next for Thomas Tuchel’s men, confidence high after that opening 4-2 win over Croatia.
How high? “With all due respect to Ghana, but ...” ITV’s Mark Pougatch actually started a sentence in that manner when suggesting Tuchel could rest some players for their final group game against Panama after, presumably, sweeping Ghana aside, thus keeping key men fresh for the beginning of their knockout journey. This could indeed happen, but Mark? History isn’t bunk, it’s there to learn from.
Any way, the big TV issue in this opening phase has, of course, been ITV placing Emma Hayes in a kitchen-like setting and arming her with chalk and a blackboard, rather than high-tech gimmickry, to explain tactics to their viewers. This, need it be said, has led to some highbrow commentary on the interweb, along the lines of “rite playce 4 ya luv, in da citchun, lolololol”.
ITV, perhaps concluding that this look wasn’t one of their better ones, have now given Emma a magnetic board, their shots so tight you can no longer see, well, the kitchen. So all’s well. Although they will only truly make amends when they have Gary Neville in a pinny baking cheesy scones for Emma, Roy and Wrightie.
For a break from all this world-Cup-arama, no better place to take yourself than Croke Park for a ding-dong between Dublin and Donegal. “I think there’ll be a kick out the Dubs today,” said Gooch Cooper, probably one of the few men on the planet to think Donegal might be troubled.
That they were. Two points down, the hooter having sounded, Michael Murphy with a chance of a two-point free to send it to extra-time. Over it goes, and then we had ourselves a lively schemozzle.
“You said at half-time there was a lack of physicality, they must have heard ye,” said Peter Canavan to Gooch, while Mark Sidebottom explained to BBC NI viewers exactly what happened: “Something somewhere infuriated someone, both sets of players involved in an unseemly orgy of pushing, pulling and shoving.”
At the end of “a titanic match,” as Ger Canning described it, Donegal were sunk. It’s been a strange old championship. If the World Cup replicates it, Curacel could end up winning it.
