The Last Straw: I was chastened this week to read of a new book called Childfree and Loving It. Writing in the Daily Telegraph, one of the book's contributors said it was an attempt to represent a large but marginalised group of people - often married or in long-term relationships - who are childless by choice.
Politicians ignore them, apparently. Workplaces discriminate against them. And to cap everything, they suffer frequent insult from parents "who are evangelical about breeding".
The writer's frustrations were exacerbated by the fact that she has a dog. "The Mummy Mafia smile knowingly and diagnose a child substitute," she wrote. "[But] how can a dog be a 'substitute' for something I don't want? I love my dog in his own right." The piece was illustrated by a photograph of the writer and her pooch, posing beside a children's playground with a "no dogs admitted" sign.
The Mummy Mafia can speak for itself on this issue. As for me, while I hope I have never been evangelical about breeding, as a member of the Church of Latter Day Fathers of Three (reformed) I would like to apologise for any offence I have caused, even inadvertently. To those who have chosen not to be parents, especially those who prefer dogs, I say: I respect your choice.
Which is why, in a spirit of inter-faith dialogue, I'd like to talk to you about dog poo. Dog poo on footpaths and in parks, to be exact. Now I know this not just an issue for the non-parent community. Many parents also keep dogs. I myself own almost 6 per cent of a greyhound, and it's a source of regret that I can never take him for a walk, because organising custody of the other 94 per cent is a nightmare. The syndicate keeps him in a kennel down the country to avoid arguments.
But if I did take him for walks, I hope I'd pick up any deposits he dropped. At any rate, I'd be conscious of the hazards created if I didn't. Whereas I suggest that dog owners who are not parents - and I suggest this tentatively and in the hope that it does not add to the hurt between our two communities - may be less conscious.
On of the advantages of being a parent is that you can remember (however dimly) what it was like not to be a parent. Back then, you didn't take as much notice of the ground around you, because you didn't have kids rolling on it, eating off it and so on. These days, you know that if dog owners don't pick up after their dogs, your children will. If you're lucky, it'll be only on their shoes. And if you're really lucky, you'll notice it before they use your bed as a trampoline.
Despite this, no doubt, there are many dog-owning parents who do not clean up after their pets. To these people, I say: "Bad parents! Bad!" But I'm going to make a sweeping generalisation and say that dog-owners who are also parents are less likely to foul public places. In the absence of official figures, I base this on one simple observation.
Small children and dogs have much in common. They're great company, they need a lot of exercise, and they have a habit of going to the toilet in public, at very short notice. We know many dog owners take the easy option and fail to deal with the consequences. Indeed, some seem to think they're civic-minded if they get their dog to go on the nearest available grass, like it's a donation of fertiliser to the parks department.
By contrast, the number of parents who allow children to foul footpaths or public parks is (in the western world, anyway) close to zero. We'd save a fortune in nappies if we did. But somehow the idea of allowing humans of any age to take a dump in the street went out with the plague.
For many dog owners, it's still the Middle Ages. The other day, in the Phoenix Park, I had to swerve to avoid a dog crapping on the footpath while his female owner held his lead (and her nose). She looked a little embarrassed - obviously, it's the last thing you expect to happen when you're out walking your dog - but not embarrassed enough to pick it up. I have two words for that woman if she's reading: dog diapers! It's all about choice.
Although I like dogs, I have chosen not to have one at home. I'm comfortable with this decision, and I hope others will respect it. All I ask is that those who do know the joy of hands-on dog ownership must also deal with the responsibilities.
