Feeling a bit queasy after the long weekend? Tense and irritable because of queues at Dublin Airport? Driven out of your mind by a five-mile tailback in Moate, and worried that if your kids ask "are we there yet?" one more time, you may spontaneously combust?
Relax. The good news is you couldn't have picked a better time to feel bad.
Today (for one day only) relief is at hand, thanks to a revolutionary self-treatment technique known as "prayer". Since the middle ages, August 8th has been the Feast of the Fourteen Holy Helpers, a crack team of saints, each of whom specialises in offering protection against a particular bodily ailment, ranging from headache to insanity.
All have individual feast days, when they can be prayed to separately. But today, the Super Tuesday of the saints, they can be invoked en masse.
Combined, the Fourteen Holy Helpers have a cure for whatever ails you as the group includes St Blaise (throat disease), St Erasmus (intestinal disorders) and St Denis (headache and rabies).
Of particular importance at this time are St Christopher (protecting travellers in difficulty) and St Eustachius, (preventing "family discord"). Unless you've seriously under-researched your holiday destination, you shouldn't need St Barbara (lightning, fire, explosions, sudden death). But if conditions are really bad at Dublin airport, you might find a use for St Margaret (demonic possession, childbirth).
It was because of their perceived effectiveness as individuals that the saints came to be venerated collectively, a tradition that began in Germany around the time of the bubonic plague.
The group's earthly headquarters is at Bad Staffelstein in Bavaria, where the 14 helpers are said to have appeared to a shepherd in 1446 and asked him to build a church, and where pilgrimages continue today. From there the cult spread across Europe until, in the 16th century, Pope Nicholas endorsed it with special indulgences.
In common with all large organisations, the communion of the saints gives rise to overlapping responsibilities and confusion about who does what. Again, this is where the Fourteen Holy Helpers come in handy.
As the Dublin Horse Show begins this week under the shadow of swamp fever, for example, devout show jumpers need not worry whether to direct prayers at St Barbara (the fever specialist) or St George (responsible for the health of domestic animals). On the other hand, it's doubtful if even St Barbara could do anything about a more widespread condition now reported to be sweeping Ireland and exclusively targeting humans.
Members of the public worried about contracting "festival fever" are advised to stay indoors, avoiding all contact with face painters, buskers and members of Macnas until further notice.
