Mind Moves: How could I have come so far?
and always on such dark trails?
I must have travelled by the light
shining from the faces of those I have loved.
These words of Thomas McGrath express an appreciation for friendship that seems apt at this time of the year. Of course, gratitude for the kindnesses and support we receive from friends and loved ones belongs to every moment of the year. But Christmas can offer us permission to acknowledge and to express our more tender feelings of appreciation, particularly to those whose support and acceptance have given us direction when we've felt lost and disoriented. To say thanks, not in some sentimental way, but in a manner that conveys our genuine gratitude for all things given and forgiven.
Friendship is an act of grace that stirs in us our courage and willingness to say yes to life. Particularly at those times when we are confronted with difficulties that make it hard to say yes; when it would be easier to retreat inwardly and make oneself comfortably numb through whatever means we've discovered to close off reality, however briefly. In times of pain and darkness the ego naturally contracts and seeks to create a safe place for itself. When feelings of dread and fear arise and when it takes a lot of courage to keep the heart open and engaged.
The kindnesses we are offered in such moments of crisis both support and challenge us. They convey a faith in us that we are up to the task. They also invite us to keep our hearts open, to accept the troubles we've been given as opportunities to grow, rather than as an excuse to retreat and bury our heads in the sand.
This is the paradox of genuine friendship. Friends both challenge us to take a stand in the face of whatever life has thrown our way, while at the same time reminding us that our drama is not the whole story.
Our worries, our fears, the stories we tell ourselves about how awful we are, or how unfair life is, how hopeless everything looks, eclipse a greater truth. That there is within us an incredible potential for growth and transformation if only we would trust ourselves and our passion for life. That we belong in the particular way we are made to this precarious and beautiful world and that we have every right to claim our place.
The closer our friendship, the deeper a relationship goes, the more it brings to light ways we may be limiting ourselves and afraid to grow. Intimate relationships challenge us to open our hearts to parts of ourselves that have been wounded, cut off or deprived of caring.
Because these relationships challenge our usual defensive coping strategies, they can provoke tremendous fear and resistance in us. Emotions can run high when we feel we are "being got at", but it can take heated conflict to make us look at ways we've allowed ourselves to become imprisoned by our stubbornness and our fears.
This column today is an invitation to appreciate those friendships and close relationships that have supported you and challenged you to grow in the past year.
This is not to forget the importance of those with whom you enjoy normal day-to-day social relationships. I think of the ladies in my local dry cleaners who know me and greet me with great humour every time I drop off a load of laundry on their counter. And how reassuring and welcoming it is to be greeted by name and with a smile by the porters where I've worked this past year. And those friends who remind me that most of what happens in life has a humorous side to it, and who make me laugh in times when I'm seriously at risk of taking life way too personally.
And you, my reader, for bearing with me in the year that is about to close. Your comments, feedback and criticisms have supported and challenged me in important ways.
I hope at least some of these columns have thrown a light on your moments of darkness and given you some comfort. And that they have reminded you that you are part of an adventure which wants you to participate even when the going gets tough.
This life is the only one we have. This is it. Savour and appreciate it over the coming holiday, and remember those who have been a blessing and support to you, especially those whose love has lit your dark trails and re-ignited your will to live. Happy Christmas.
• Dr Tony Bates is principal clinical psychologist in St James's Hospital, Dublin.
