Parents need to start talking to children from as young as 11 or 12 years old about pornography, a leading therapist has said.
"Parents may not want to hear this, but the average age of children accessing porn is 11 years old," says Trish Murphy, "and children don't tell their parents they have seen it, because they do not think their parents can handle it."
Murphy, a psychotherapist and Irish Times columnist says watching pornography in early puberty can lead to socialisation and relationship problems later on. She says many problems can arise. “It can lead to a complicated sexual response. Desire is obviously one response, and the next response is ‘don’t get caught’.”
Murphy says watching a lot of porn can cause issues for the child when they meet someone later one – “a real live person”. Their ideas and expectations may be at issue, she says. “Although most people know porn is not real, often it is all that informs the person.”
So what should parents do?
Murphy says parents should not come down heavily on their children if they think they are watching porn. Instead, she says, they should raise the issue by saying something like they were watching a programme recently on the subject of porn and the damage it can do to children.
Murphy says for many children most of their sex education is coming from porn, so parents need to be able to talk reasonably to them about it. She points out that for many children, they click on some icon on their phone and suddenly they are on a porn site.
Murphy, who will be giving a talk on teenagers and mental health in Athlone on Wednesday, October 7th, as part of the Irish Times/Pfizer Healthy Town project, says teenagers' brains are wired for excitement. "They know the consequences of their actions and the danger of getting caught, but they want to do it anyway. For example, the thrill of going drinking in the principal's house far outweighs the dangers of getting caught."
Murphy says teenagers often do reckless things because of the fear of not living up to expectations or fear of being left out. She says many schools are now introducing “little periods of mindfulness” which teach teenagers to pause before doing something.
In fact, says Murphy, it is something parents should do too – pause before saying anything or tackling a child about their behaviour.
She recommends using the 20 minute rule – wait 20 minutes until you – and the child or teenager – have calmed down, before talking to them. “Don’t rant. Try to have a reasonable discussion.
“Teenagers love black and white – they have an enormous sense of justice and fairness,” she says, “and they know when it is not being applied to them.”
Murphy recommends that if you are confronting a teenager over something “ you do not go for the jugular every time,” and that you speak in a calm and reasonable manner , and also give them hope.”
Murphy says teenagers also “ like the idea of courage, which they can only practice when facing a fear.”
The psychotherapist says teenage novels are full of the concept of taking courageous steps, “so they are very familiar with the concept.”
Murphy says that children respect boundaries. “ They also want to know that you have got their back.”
But, she says, if you decide to ground a teenager for a week, then you must follow through and not give in afterwards.
“Children can sense it in your voice,” she says, “ They know whether there is a bit of leeway or not.”
• -Trish Murphy will be giving a talk on teenagers and mental health in the Sheraton Hotel on Wednesday, October 7th, at 7 pm. The talk is free and you can register in advance or just drop along on the night. To register email: healthy.town@ogilvy.com or phone: 01-6690165.